Uncensored, unedited me!

Posts tagged ‘waiting’

God’s Time

This blog started out as a Facebook status update but when it got to be a paragraph long I realized it needed to be a blog.

My reward for 5 cover letters, resumes, and applications written/filled out this evening: reading a good book. I know God has his plan, and I know in that plan is my job.

I know this in the absence of a job because he continues to care for me. I continue to receive money and I continue to be energized instead of depressed. I continue to feel the drive to write. I also feel the drive to apply for the job I want.

In the beginning of my job search I applied for any and all jobs. I applied for jobs in and out of my field and I felt the drain. Day in and out I was drained by applying to jobs I was hoping I would never get. Once I stopped doing that, once I narrowed in on the jobs I wanted, once I only applied for the jobs I was driven to get, I stopped feeling drained.

I started to fall in love with positions and I started seeing similar positions everywhere.

I’ve started some traveling journals with close friends in my life, people that I hope continue to be close with as lives get more complicated. One of these friends has already sent it back to me. She asked me what kind of positions I’m applying for. I’m applying for positions in nonprofits that work with domestic and sexual violence victims. I apply for jobs that have me interacting with the women and allow for an aspect of teaching.

I love all the jobs I apply for but I’m not depressed. You might ask yourself, “how is this possible? She’s not getting interviews or call backs. It’s been 5 months how can she not be depressed? Especially when she falls in love with all the jobs.”

To be honest I’m surprised myself but the truth of the matter is that I’m at peace. Weird I know but also the truth. Each new job I read about sounds more awesome than the last. I want all the jobs I apply for. I don’t know how many places I’ve applied to, because I’m not keeping track. If I went back in my sent email box I’m sure I could tell you but I like my peace so I don’t think I will.

God is in control and this process has taught me that. I’m just waiting for My Job and I know I won’t get a job until My Job comes. So I’m at peace knowing that its out there. Don’t get me wrong I do ask God when that job will come and if he could speed things up a bit. But I’m at peace actively waiting for his job for me.

So I continue to apply. Tonight I applied for jobs in Washington state, in Maryland, in Kansas and Missouri. Most are for Domestic and Sexual Violence Advocate and Prevention Specialist.

Doesn’t that sound awesome! I’m energized just thinking about it! And that feeling is why I continue my search, that feeling is why I’m not depressed. That feeling is why I’m at peace.

God is in control and I’m excited to find My Job!

Now I’m gonna read my book and have a good night’s sleep because I’m in God’s hands waiting in his time for the right job for me.

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I miss academia

I was an academic for the last 5 years and I find that since I left it I miss it. I don’t miss the deadlines and the endless reading and writing. What I miss instead is the challenge.

I miss someone (or several someones) pushing me to greatness. Sure I had to read a lot of books that were pure crap but some of those books were great. Some of them (even the crap ones) led me to think. They kept me on my toes and pushed me to think even more.

I find myself hanging back on the sidelines these days and miss being immersed in theology and the Bible and the dripping disdain of people who thought differently than I. I miss being so focused on a particular Scripture, idea or concept that I could spell it out in many different ways and have people listening to what I had to say because it might be different than what they could comprehend.

I miss not the attention but the ability to freely and frequently share my ideas and listen to others to hopefully come to an agreeable new idea or a fresh way to look at something.

I miss arguing with people. I miss being immersed in something and pushing myself to greatness. 

I miss academia, especially now when I have hours to myself and I wonder how to fill it. I miss it all and I find myself waiting with baited breath for someone to ask me a question where I might be able to share some of the wisdom I have gained.

Just last week someone came up to me and asked me how to help their friend get out of an abusive relationship and I have to say that those few minutes where I got to share my knowledge were some of my happiest in the last few months.

I cannot wait to do this work and I am getting antsy waiting for something to happen.

I awake every day and think, “Is it worth getting up today?” I look at the clock and usually see that it is some time after 8am and I usually tell myself, “If you get up now what are you going to do the rest of the day?” My day is filled with TV and reading and searching online for jobs. I usually apply for as many as I can and then spend the rest of my day watching TV and reading. I feel such a waste. Not that I am wasting time or wasting whatever but that my presence is a waste.

My therapist, in Pasadena, before I left told me that it was okay for me to take up space and everyday I try to remind myself of this fact. It’s okay for me to take up space and I try to tell myself that I am not a waste but there are moments where it feels that way.

When I was immersed in classes and classwork my focus was on learning and getting as much knowledge as possible to do the best job I could when I left and now that I am out I cannot wait to use that knowledge.

How much longer do you think I will have to wait? Image 

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