You’d Think I’d Be Thrilled

This week I heard from the doctor that I don’t have Celiac, that I’m not gluten intolerant. WHAT!!??!! How is that possible? I gave up bread and pizza and cake and everything! Now you’re telling me that, that isn’t the answer!?! That when I’ve had horrible migraines, diarrhea, body aches, horrible gas, running to the bathroom hope I make it, etc it hasn’t been because I messed up and had gluten along the way???????????????

So what does this mean? Last night I gave it a try, because I’m already in hell why not go for the gold. I ate a breaded chicken sandwich on bread and a gluten full cookie and the world didn’t end. No headache. No 10 trips to the bathroom in one night. I still had the problems I’ve been having but it was no worse. WHAT THE HELL!!!????!!!!

You’d think I’d be happy about this, and don’t get me wrong I am. I’m not going to go full throttle because when I’ve been eating gluten free I’ve felt the healthiest I’ve ever felt, plus I like the weight I’ve lost and I don’t want to go back to BIG TAMMY :). Plus cooking has become something I excel at and love. But I’m looking forward to eating cake on occasion and when I eat out not having to freak out about what has touched what in the kitchen.

You’d think with this new revelation I’d be happy but the truth is I’m not. I thought I had THE ANSWER! I thought for the last several years that the answer was GLUTEN and if I stayed away from it I could live a happy, healthy, life. I thought that my troubles were behind me and that my change in diet could be the answer….but now they are telling me I never had the answer. That that wasn’t it.

How can that be? I lost lots of weight, and felt better with minor blips along the way where I would have all the tummy troubles but they would only last a day or so not months upon months upon months.

So the blips have been minor flare ups? And the months upon months have been actual flare ups? So you tell me, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!

The minor blips come with diarrhea and the need to run to the bathroom; migraines; body aches, weakness, and tiredness; painful gas; and this all comes on within moments of eating. I mean I remember eating out with my friend Betsy and within a few bites of food I knew I was going to be sick for the rest of the night. I would eat and my body would feel like it ingested poison and around 2 am I’d be running to the bathroom.

The days upon days upon days of this stuff comes with morning, noon and night trips to the bathroom, multiple trips to the bathroom; painful gas, and nausea. Most of my trips to the bathroom happen in the evening but they seem to be related to the time on the clock and not when I eat. In the beginning I thought they were triggered by my eating but I noticed when I skipped a meal I was still having the same problem.

So basically I’ve been living with this for the past 10 years with no solution. I thought I had a solution but I was wrong.

You’d think I’d be happy I can eat gluten again but I’m not. I’m not happy that I don’t have an answer anymore. I’m willing to give up the foods I love, even if it’s the veggies I adore or the fruit I love (though I’m very hopeful I won’t have to give these up) to have the answer I need.

Lord, I’m seeking an answer. It doesn’t have to be today but someday soon please. What is the answer to this question? Please help the doctors that are treating me to find the right answer. I’m sorry I’m not grateful that I can eat gluten again, it just feels like I’ve lost hope again and I’m not happy. I know you are the great big GOD and can do all things, so why God am I still suffering? Healing would be awesome God but if that’s not in the plan an answer would be even better. I just want an answer. I’ve got millions of questions but this is the one problem that I need an answer for. Please give that to me God. Amen.



I know some of you are sick about reading about my health but since it has kept me in my bed for the better part of this week I’m still going to write about it.

Last week I had a kidney infection and I’m almost done with the horrible giant antibiotics that they gave me. Before I was on the drugs my kidneys were killing me. I was in a lot of pain and sometimes I felt like passing out.

Now the pain is gone and I feel like I’m going to pass out all the time. Walking to the bathroom (which is probably 10 feet from my bed) I always wonder if I’m going to be able to get there without passing out.

I made myself dinner last night because on a gluten free diet there are no quick meals. I was making a new potato recipe and the recipe said it would take 20 minutes for prep and 20 minutes to cook. It took about 30 minutes prep time between all the times I had to lay down and then get myself back up to finish the task. The 20 minutes cook time was also difficult with at least 10 minutes of laying down and 5 minutes doing a move my father has perfected: bend over, hand on knees, and breath. I’ve done this move many times in the last few days. I haven’t left my apartment since Sunday. I haven’t left my bed for more than a few minutes: shower, make lunch, get drinks, make dinner, and trips to the bathroom.

I’m not throwing up but with the nausea I often wonder if that might be better. This is the 10th week! For those of you not on a quarter system this is the last week of class and next week is finals! I have to leave the house tomorrow. I wanted to go to class today but I really don’t think that is possible (luckily the professor I have today has been really understanding). I’m still working on the paper for that class and hoping I can get that done today while I lay down in my bed with my laptop working like the name suggests (with a pillow underneath because that thing gets hot!). I also have a writing center consultation to do today and one in person one tomorrow.

To say I’m stressed would be an understatement. My dreams are about eating pizza (because I can’t) and what will happen in the next month or so.

I’m done with class in the next two weeks which also means I am done with getting loans so in the next few weeks I either have to find a job or move home. This gets even more stressful because everyone keeps asking me what I’m going to do. I really want to stay in town so I am working hard to make that happen. I have been working hard for the last 6 months without really finding anything so I might have to apply to retail places (which makes me cringe). I hate working retail. But maybe I could do it again, if I have to, which I might have to.

So that’s me right now. Totally stressed out. Oh I forgot to mention that my beloved grandma is moving into assisted living this weekend because the dementia has gotten worse. It’s sad but a necessary step. So I’m also grieving which I have learned is just part of this long process of dementia. As each new thing happens there’s more grieving. Which again is not helpful in a 10 week quarter but in a week and a half that stress will be gone. I will no longer have to write papers I will instead have to find a job in a hurry. Time to walk up and down the street and see who is hiring but I can only do that if I start to feel better. Especially since walking to the bathroom is such a task.

What is up with me? Have I not been sick enough this quarter? Have I not been sick enough for the past 6 months? Silly me, I thought that moving to a gluten free diet would rid me of this never ending sickness.

So today, as I work from home again, I am asking God REALLY!?!

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