A lesson from a great RomCom

I just got done watching PS: I love you. An awesome, truly heart wrenching movie about moving beyond loss and the fear of  pain and finding yourself again as well as love.

I laughed, I cried, I wept. I love this movie even though it moves me to emotions I would rather not touch and forces me to ask myself questions I would rather not answer. I love this movie in-spite of what it does to me.

I just finished watching it and knew that I had to write something. Its 11:36pm here which means my friends on the West Coast are snuggled in their beds getting ready for the day ahead and my East Coast friends are in their beds asleep before the sun begins a brand new day.

I’m choosing not to text my friends to remind them what a great movie this is because I feel like that would be such a mean thing to do to them so instead I am writing a post here. Now it won’t be published until tomorrow morning because my internet is out but none-the-less I am writing it now.

I love it when movies teach us something about ourselves. They move beyond pure entertainment into educational and informational but on a completely personal level. I love watching a RomCom for purely entertainment purposes and learning something about myself in the process.

PS: I love you is such a film for me. The grief of losing someone you love comes bubbling to the surface every time I watch this film. Would it be better to see death coming and have a year or so to say good-bye or would it be better to get hit by a truck and never see it coming?

Is death planned better than death unexpected? I’m not contemplating death because of a brush with my own mortality but because of this movie. I have had friends and family members die and the idea of losing someone you love so dearly crushes my heart.

I have been used and abused and left and the fear within my soul is so great that it keeps me sitting on the sidelines. My fear of love and pain has kept me in the same state for 7 long years.

I can say that I have been healing and that is true but some part of me, the part of me that is weeping right now realizes that that’s not the complete truth. The truth is I am terrified. I am scared of feeling pain. I am scared of falling love. I am scared of trusting someone so deeply. I am scared of being truly happy again.

I am scared to feel such pain again or to feel worse pain and so I sit on the sidelines of my life watching opportunities pass me by.

So what did this movie teach me tonight: I can’t be scared of my own life. I can’t be scared to feel great joy. I can’t be scared to feel great pain. I can’t be scared to reach for my dreams. I can’t be scared to move on.

My time at fuller is quickly coming to an end. The safety net of school will soon be ripped away and I have to move before then. I cannot be afraid to fall. I cannot be afraid to put myself out there because if I believe all my friends, I am awesome. And the world deserves the honor of knowing me.

I’m not conceited but realistic. The world deserves the honor of knowing all of us and we cannot let our fears get in our own damn way!


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