The Merry Go Round That Doesn’t Stop

I feel like I’m on a merry go round that I can’t get off. I have been applying for jobs like crazy lately and I have only heard back from people about nanny jobs.

I’m anxious which is so not helping me sleep. So I’ve been trying to find ways to cope with all of this.

So far I have painted my nails, cleaned my room, watched countless hours of Netflix, taken walks, talked with friends, and still the anxiety rests inside of me.

It’s almost noon and I have already sent out 3 resumes, filled out 3 applications and had a break down in my therapist’s office.

I need a nap. Life is hectic and crazy and I’m not really doing anything. I mean I shower each morning, get dressed, make lunch and dinner and spend hours searching for jobs and filling out applications. But other than that I’m not really doing anything.

All of my friends tell me that I should be enjoying this time but what is enjoyable about restlessness and anxiety. I’d much rather be at a 9-5 making money than worrying about how long I won’t be at a steady job with steady pay and hours.

I do have a small job. I work as a Writing Consultant and the Writing Center’s Workshop Coordinator but it is small in pay and hours. So it keeps me afloat for now but won’t be doing so for long. So I need a real job or I need several other small jobs. If I had several other small jobs then I could work for those jobs while I find one big job that will make it unnecessary to have several small jobs.

The only good thing about this week is that last night I got to celebrate with some friends and Saturday I’m taking a break from the applications. I am spending the day/some time with a friend who has promised to take my mind off all my troubles.

It should be lots of fun and hopefully I will be able to stop thinking about everything.

The hardest part about this situation is that I have no control. I cannot make someone hire me. I cannot make someone look at my resume and decide to give me an interview or give me a position. I just have to wait. The only thing I can do in this situation is send out the best looking resume and cover letter that I possibly can. Beyond that I’m at a loss. Beyond that, there is nothing I can do. I think that is the worst feeling.

I am completely powerless in this situations and it sucks. I really want to get off this merry go round!

But for now I go back to the applications and resumes and searching because I have to and my only solace is knowing that this won’t last forever.


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