“Keep on pushing back the dark”
My week has been one of ups and downs for sure. Although at this moment in time the only thing I can focus on are the downs. “Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.”
I’ve been dealing with a medical annoyance for about a month and this week it met a height that I could no longer ignore. “One million reasons why, you shouldn’t even try.”
Okay I’m gonna get gross, only so that you can for a minute be me and feel the frustration and anger and sadness that has been this week, this month, the last 10 years. “After all you’re just one heart, a single candle in the dark.”
For a month now, and 3 years back for 2 years and 6 years before that for a year and a half, I’ve been having diarrhea at least daily and usually multiple times a day after I eat. Gross I know but the facts. My stomach/bowels will speak to me after I’ve eaten, before I’ve eaten, almost all day long and all night long. To the point that people talk to me about it or ask if I’m hungry or feed me or whatever to make it stop and no it doesn’t stop and no it has no effect but I’ll let you think it does so that we’ll stop talking about it. “And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears.”
This week I was going to the bathroom like crazy, having diarrhea 20 times in one night and that was just after eating dinner. So I decided to go to the doctor. “That you don’t have what it takes–who are you to make a change.”
I went at 3:00pm this past Tuesday and laid it all out for the good doctor. I told her about my past and my missed diagnoses. One specialist said, Ulcerative Colitis. The next said they were wrong and nothing was wrong with me. I told her that I have given up the gluten completely because when I eat it I have to run to the bathroom and pray to God I make it, I get massive migraines and become lethargic the next day with great body pains. I told her my entire history with this stupid stuff and then she did what they all do she started circling the tests she wanted to perform. “But oh, oh, don’t underestimate the God you follow.”
So I walked down to the lab where they gave me the cup to pee in, the bowl to collect the poo in and the cups to put the poo in. Then I went to the bathroom and collected all the disgusting samples and it took about 15 minutes to completely collect and fill the cups. But I was determined not to take that stuff home. “The city on a hill, it should be shining still.”
Once finished with my collection I walked back to the lab and dropped my samples off. Then the nurse proceeded to collect all my blood (not really but there were a lot of viles she was filling). Then I went back to the Lab waiting room, waiting for someone to call my name. “Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place.”
When they called my name they took me to the X-ray where I disrobed and lay on a table in those ridiculous gowns and waited. They took the X-Ray they needed and I got dressed again. “Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.”
I should say before she sent me to the Lab to be poked and prodded she told me what she thought. She said it could be diabetes, it could be thyroid problems, it could be kidney dis-function, it could be IBS, etc, etc. I was barely listening but I remember the big 3 “thyroid, diabetes and IBS.” She said she was sending me for labs and that we would talk on Monday once she got all the Labs back. Then she sent me on my way to THE LAB. “But if we just keep walking on, we will see the kingdom come.”
I have to tell you while sitting in the Lab and while getting my X-Ray and while driving home I was FREAKING out. Sure this has happened to me before. The first time my mom was there with me, the second my good friend Vicky was there and this time I have friends in the state and all over the country I can talk to about it. But I felt truly alone and scared. So scared. “Whatever you do just don’t look back.”
I kept thinking about the times before, the diagnoses before, the guesses before and the non answers I was given. The last time I did this, after the clean colonoscopy my Doctor turned me away. She said I was fine. And that was it. She was done. I was fine having diarrhea all time. This was it she was done with me. I had no hope then and that feeling returned in full force this week. “Oh somebody needs the light you have.”
When I got home, after being released at 5:00pm, I called my mom and talked with her. I wrote a note to my prayer group and texted good friends and still I felt all alone and SCARED. “Whatever you do, just don’t lose heart.”
Wednesday I had to work from home because my problem was still a problem. The doctor called in the morning and said what the others had said, “you’re pretty healthy.” My kidney function was good, my urine was good (something no doctor has ever said to me), my blood glucose was fine so diabetes was out, my thyroid function was fine, so she was crossing items off the list. Leaving the one thing she thought it might be IBS but she was still waiting to for my poo to come back and some other tests so we would wait to talk diagnosis until Monday in her office. “Keep pushing back the dark.”
So Thursday I went to work and worked from work but came home early and it was a good thing I did. I got books from my low carbohydrates colleague and got on and read about IBS. Some of the symptoms fit but not all. The most disheartening thing is that I’ll have to change and limit my diet all over again. “Keep pushing back the dark.”
I’m disheartened, I’m scared, I’m feeling alone, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and I’m sad. I don’t have a diagnosis yet but what else makes sense. “Oh, oh don’t underestimate the God you follow.”
She did say that my X-Ray showed lots of bowel in my colon and lots of gas in my other intestine. No impaction, no nothing. “He is the light that burns inside your soul.”
So that’s where I am this Friday. I have the day off to get some stuff done in town and I’m excited for the day off but not the day to sit in my head and keep thinking about all of this. “So keep shining until the whole world knows.”
The song that is throughout my post has been in my head all week long, Pushing Back the Dark by Josh Wilson. I’ve heard it in the car each day to and from work, from the doctor, etc. I’ve heard it in my head when I’ve woken up each day. It has made me cry, it has given me hope and it has reminded me that the diagnosis is not yet here and that this doctor seems determined to give me an answer and hopefully she won’t give up until she has an answer.
That’s been my week. Ups and downs for sure. The ups were talking with my mom and her never ending encouragement. Sharing with friends who pray for me and send me hugs from DC, Texas and CA. Sharing with co-workers who give you cookbooks, share in your frustration and those that simply say, “That pretty much sucks.” My friends, family and co-workers are awesome.
“Pushing back the dark” of my downs. I’ll let you know the endgame when I do.