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Posts tagged ‘faith’

You’d Think I’d Be Thrilled

This week I heard from the doctor that I don’t have Celiac, that I’m not gluten intolerant. WHAT!!??!! How is that possible? I gave up bread and pizza and cake and everything! Now you’re telling me that, that isn’t the answer!?! That when I’ve had horrible migraines, diarrhea, body aches, horrible gas, running to the bathroom hope I make it, etc it hasn’t been because I messed up and had gluten along the way???????????????

So what does this mean? Last night I gave it a try, because I’m already in hell why not go for the gold. I ate a breaded chicken sandwich on bread and a gluten full cookie and the world didn’t end. No headache. No 10 trips to the bathroom in one night. I still had the problems I’ve been having but it was no worse. WHAT THE HELL!!!????!!!!

You’d think I’d be happy about this, and don’t get me wrong I am. I’m not going to go full throttle because when I’ve been eating gluten free I’ve felt the healthiest I’ve ever felt, plus I like the weight I’ve lost and I don’t want to go back to BIG TAMMY :). Plus cooking has become something I excel at and love. But I’m looking forward to eating cake on occasion and when I eat out not having to freak out about what has touched what in the kitchen.

You’d think with this new revelation I’d be happy but the truth is I’m not. I thought I had THE ANSWER! I thought for the last several years that the answer was GLUTEN and if I stayed away from it I could live a happy, healthy, life. I thought that my troubles were behind me and that my change in diet could be the answer….but now they are telling me I never had the answer. That that wasn’t it.

How can that be? I lost lots of weight, and felt better with minor blips along the way where I would have all the tummy troubles but they would only last a day or so not months upon months upon months.

So the blips have been minor flare ups? And the months upon months have been actual flare ups? So you tell me, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!

The minor blips come with diarrhea and the need to run to the bathroom; migraines; body aches, weakness, and tiredness; painful gas; and this all comes on within moments of eating. I mean I remember eating out with my friend Betsy and within a few bites of food I knew I was going to be sick for the rest of the night. I would eat and my body would feel like it ingested poison and around 2 am I’d be running to the bathroom.

The days upon days upon days of this stuff comes with morning, noon and night trips to the bathroom, multiple trips to the bathroom; painful gas, and nausea. Most of my trips to the bathroom happen in the evening but they seem to be related to the time on the clock and not when I eat. In the beginning I thought they were triggered by my eating but I noticed when I skipped a meal I was still having the same problem.

So basically I’ve been living with this for the past 10 years with no solution. I thought I had a solution but I was wrong.

You’d think I’d be happy I can eat gluten again but I’m not. I’m not happy that I don’t have an answer anymore. I’m willing to give up the foods I love, even if it’s the veggies I adore or the fruit I love (though I’m very hopeful I won’t have to give these up) to have the answer I need.

Lord, I’m seeking an answer. It doesn’t have to be today but someday soon please. What is the answer to this question? Please help the doctors that are treating me to find the right answer. I’m sorry I’m not grateful that I can eat gluten again, it just feels like I’ve lost hope again and I’m not happy. I know you are the great big GOD and can do all things, so why God am I still suffering? Healing would be awesome God but if that’s not in the plan an answer would be even better. I just want an answer. I’ve got millions of questions but this is the one problem that I need an answer for. Please give that to me God. Amen.

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Sunday

I posted yesterday (Monday) about my move and how it’s going.

This past Sunday I chose not to go to church for two reasons: 1) I was worried about my car and 2) I was sick. My lovely sister helped me to move on Sunday and she gave me whatever sickness she had that day. This sickness has stuck with me but I’m taking lots of C and sleeping a lot and taking a decongestant in order to get over whatever this is, because my unemployment ends tomorrow. Yay!

Anyway, Sunday I didn’t go to church but I wanted to read some scripture so I would stay grounded for the day and the week.

See I know several things about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be independent in everything and go into myself, 2) if I don’t get to know people soon I will begin to think that I don’t need people, even though I know I need them. 3) I need to be in the Word to get through tough times, and what’s tougher than moving again.

So I picked up my Grandmother’s Bible and began the search for the piece of scripture I knew I needed. I was feeling off because of my encounter with my landlord (that is continuing to eat at me) and my car and this sickness that is hanging on a bit too long for my liking.

When my parents and sister left on Saturday, I was sad. I was sad to be left here alone but I knew God wanted me here. God wants me in this town, in this job for a reason and I am totally leaning on him to sustain me and to show me why here.

So I went looking for my favorite piece of scripture, my favorite piece that reminds me that God is my strength and that I can lean on him when I am troubled. The problem was, I wasn’t sure where it is.

I know what you’re thinking, “You went to Seminary, shouldn’t you know where all the verses are?” I know I should but I’ve never been someone who is awesome at memorization and I often find myself lost in the scriptures. I know where they exist and I know the general location but the actual location is lost on me.

So I knew Paul wrote my favorite verse but I wasn’t sure which book to begin in.  So I started in Philippians and luckily I was right.

My favorite verse is Phil 4:13. Once I found the verse I went seeking for my favorite translation. My Grandmother’s Bible is the New Living Translation but it’s not my fav: “For I can do everything  through Christ, who gives me strength.”

Then I went looking in the New International Version : “I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.” Again not my favorite.

Then I went looking in the New Revised Standard Version: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I know it doesn’t seem like a huge difference but I prefer this translation.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” He gives me strength and because of that I can do whatever it is he wants me to do.

it was a good day. Today has been another day of rest with a scatchy throat but I’m hoping a restful evening will help me to feel better tomorrow.

Shiny Leaves or Real Fruit

I was reading a devotion today in Voices of the Faithful: Inspiring stories of courage from Christians serving around the world compiled by Kim P. Davis with introductions by Beth Moore. I bought the devotion at a Women of Faith Conference many moons ago. I had heard Beth Moore speak and I liked the way that she lived by her calling. She was/is called to work with women only and she doesn’t apologize for it. I like that strength of character.

So anyway, a while ago I was doing that series on God’s Faithfulness and I haven’t quite finished it yet but I will continue to write on that series I just want it to be more natural and not as forced.

Anyway I picked up this devotion merely for the title. It is a devotion throughout the year so I turned to today’s date to see what it had to say and I was surprised by the gem I found there.

The verse for the day was about harvest and the author went into what harvest means and how that relates to the work of ministry. What interested me was the exposition on Mark 11:13-14 and how from far away the fig tree looked good. Its leaves were shiny or showy but it didn’t produce any fruit. Then the author went on to ask a piercing question, “Are we abiding in Christ to produce real fruit, or are we producing showy leaves?” (128).

This question applies to both our own personal walk as well as what the church does. Do our programs produce shiny leaves or do they produce real fruit? Does size matter more than content?

Do we read controversial topics without real depth for our personal walk? Do we instead choose to focus on something that matters for us, that will in the end bring us closer to God?

Are we shiny or do we produce real fruit?

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