Uncensored, unedited me!

Posts tagged ‘death’

Jesus’ Healing Culture

I googled “Jesus’ Healing Culture” this morning and found an article which was truly interesting: 37 New Testament Miracles of Jesus Christ.

It lists in a chart all the healing that Jesus did in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. What is most interesting is what stories are repeated in the top three (Matthew, Mark, and Luke). The number is pretty interesting as well. 37 stories of healing in the New Testament.

Two or three and you might think it is fluke but 37, that’s a substantial number. Substantial enough to make me believe that Jesus’ healing culture continues today.

I’ve seen this healing first hand.

In my ministry with women who have been sexually abused, I’ve seen women believe in themselves. I’ve seen strength come from nowhere. I’ve seen courage to continue blossom in women. I’ve seen women come out of their shells and begin to live anew.

During my CPE internship I saw a lot of death. I saw death in the ER when the EMTs had worked on the person on the scene and then they had worked on them all the way to the hospital and then the ER staff had worked on them and the person was declared dead in the ER. I brought several family members to visit a dead loved one over several hours.

I saw death in the ICU when a young man had flipped his car and was declared dead in the ER but then someone heard a heartbeat. I’ve seen the ICU crew bring this man back 3 times and I’ve been praying with the family and praying that God’s will be done and let this young man go when the family was still fighting for him to live.

I saw death on other floors as well.

I also saw unbelievable miracles. A man rear-ended by a SEMI walked a way from the accident. A woman whose car was under a SEMI walked away with minor injuries. A man who had a stroke was talking with me and praying with me later that evening. I’ve seen people walk away from horrible accidents and people die for no reason.

I have always believed that healing comes in many forms including death. Death is not the miracle that we are all hoping for but sometimes it is the answer that we receive.

Sometimes the answer that we really don’t want to hear is “No.” All of our prayers are answered. Sometimes, albeit infrequent times, we receive the answer that we want to hear, “Yes.” But we have to realize that the answer of a no is still an answer.

This has been a rough year/Christmas season for me and mine. My Grandma Summers died this summer. She was battling cancer and decided that she’d rather be with Jesus. I don’t blame her but I miss her. I miss her laugh and sarcasm and whit. I miss her cookies, even though this year I would not have been able to eat them ;). I asked for healing and got an answer. I asked for more time and got an answer. God healed her but I did not have any more time with her.

My Grandma Shirley went into a home this year. Her body and mannerisms are still here but her mind is gone. I asked God for healing and for a miracle. I asked God for more time. I received answers but did not get the ones I wanted.

This Christmas is really sad. My two Grandmothers, whom I loved dearly and they loved me, will not call this Christmas morning to see how my Christmas was. Grandma Shirley did send a check but it made it a little sadder. She would have done that if she was with it and the fact that my aunt sent it in her stead reminded me that all is not as it was a few years ago.

Jesus heals. I’ve seen him heal in ways that I like and I’ve seen him heal in ways that I do not like.

With the ministry that I do, I must believe that God heals and that God does the work, otherwise my ministry would be pointless. I’ve seen it first hand and so I continue to do the work. And I continue to pray for the outcomes I want, at the same time knowing that sometimes the answer is not one I was hoping for.

Antioch Park at Sunset

Advertisements

Roller Coaster of Emotions

I can’t believe that I’ve only been in Denver since Wednesday. I feel like I have been here for years.

One of the most impactful moments was seeing my grandmother’s body in the casket last night. We walked into the room and there was just the shell of the person who was there and all the denial and things I was holding on to went away.

“She really is gone” I said before weeping (loudly) on my dad’s shoulder. She really isn’t here anymore. I’m sleeping in the room that was her office and typing this blog on her computer (where she bookmarked the page) and she’s not here anymore.

She won’t be laughing, drinking scotch, making dinners and cookies, and saying “Sam Hell” any more. I know she’s in a better place and that she isn’t suffering anymore but that leaves me with little comfort. I’m sad.

I want to see her face but seeing her in that coffin really made it real. I’m glad that she provided that for us and that she made it part of the deal (she had 8 pages of instructions for her funeral and viewing because that’s just the kind of person she was).

I’m glad because it made it real. I’m glad because I could see that she wasn’t in that room. I could leave her body behind because she isn’t there anymore. All that was left was the shell.

My dad and uncle kept saying that’s not her. They kept saying that the funeral home botched the job. But really when I think about Grandma and her face I see the life she brought. I see the smile on her face and the jokes and sarcasm that dripped off her tongue. I see the hugs and the love that she freely gave. She’s not her body and when her soul left all that was left was the shell.

She’s really not here anymore. I’m sad and selfish and wish that she was and there’s tons of things I wish I had said and tons of things I wish I had done but regrets are worthless. So I choose instead to focus on the fond memories I have of summers of being with her and in the last year or so the connection that we made through email and texts. She often had encouraging words and she would say that she was proud of me. Which let’s face it is all of our goals in life: to make someone proud of us. I know other people are proud of me to but the love that we shared was special and now she’s gone and it sucks.

It’s so hard for me to get close to people and trust them and it is in times like these with great pain and suffering that I wonder if it is worth it. I mean deep down I know it is but right now I’m in pain, laying down on the floor in the fetal postion, slamming my fists on the floor, crying out to God “why,” kind of pain. And all I know is the pain.

Maybe tomorrow I will remember that getting closer to people has benefits but right now all I see and feel is the pain.

Tag Cloud