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Posts tagged ‘CPE’

Nonexistent Plan B

About 2 months ago I moved home, it feels like so much longer than that but alas it has only been 2 months. I moved home because I had to, I was poor and my parents were paying my bills and I couldn’t get a job so I had to move home and back in with the folks.

I had conflicting feelings about it and I continue to have conflicting feelings about it. I like living rent free but I know I cannot live here forever.

Plan A when I moved home was to live here while working part time and doing CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education, Chaplaincy in a hospital). I’ve only interviewed with 2 CPE sites. One was St. Joe and the other was St. Luke’s. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get St. Joe because they told me to look elsewhere. I received confirmation of this just a few days ago. I still haven’t heard from St. Luke’s.

I did get a job, that might conflict with these two CPE sites because they have classes on Mondays and I have been told that for this job I would have to work a Monday but I have also been told that you can trade shifts with people so I’m sure I could make it work if St. Luke’s takes me.

The thing is I never thought I wouldn’t get a placement. I never thought it might not happen so I have no Plan B.

St Joe has provided a Plan B. They have asked me if I would like to be considered for their year-long extended CPE that would start in January 2013 and end December 2013. I have asked for more information because I might need a Plan B.

Have you ever heard of “leap of faith?” A leap of faith is when you jump into something with faith and hopefully God will catch you. Hopefully what you hope for will happen. I jumped without a net and it turns out that God isn’t in the pool. 🙂

I know, no matter what happens (CPE in the fall or not) that God is there but maybe he isn’t in my pool, he’s in the pool next to it. Maybe I’ve made a leap into the deep end and God wanted me in the shallow end. I don’t know (I know I’m stretching the metaphor but just go with me).

God has plans for all of us. I believe that when we get off track God can just maneuver us back onto the plan. It’s like we have taken an unnecessary detour but God will get us back to where we are supposed to be. In the end we still get to the same place but it may have taken us longer to get there, than originally planned.

If I don’t get a CPE does that mean I’m on an unnecessary detour? Probably not. I’m sure God will have some reason for me not getting a CPE, even if I have no idea what that is.

I don’t have a Plan B but as I wait for St Luke’s to tell me, yay or nay, I will begin to think about what that Plan might be.

My Plan A included possibly volunteering at one of the non-profits in the area so maybe Plan B will just include a more active role in volunteering than I originally thought. Maybe Plan B will include searching out churches in the area that would welcome a healing group like the one I have developed. Maybe Plan B will include joining a group or two at Knox.

Plan B’s options are endless. Isn’t there some quote that says when we make plans God laughs. Apparently what Woody Allen said was, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” 

I’m not really laughing but when your plan fails, when God is in the shallow end, you swim to the surface and move on. You make new plans and swim to the shallow end to meet God.

Time to find a Plan B.

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The Decision to Move

People have been asking me for days what has triggered my decision to move to Kansas. Do I have a job lined up? No but I’m looking. What is my plan? My plan is to do CPE, try to do some ministry either part-time or on a volunteer basis, and work part-time.

I am moving home, to my parents’ house. With that comes the stigma that all 30 somethings have to deal with when moving back in with their parents. Am I a failure? No, I’ve tried really hard to find a job with no luck so that lie will not reign in me.

In essence my parents are my new roommates. It’s funny to think of it like that but they are. I’m not the same girl who was living there ages ago. I’m different. They’re different.

I’m returning home, but it’s different. I’m not returning to a child’s room nor am I returning as a child. I will always be their daughter but I’m not in my 20s or my teens any more.

When I think about moving back in with my parents I think about how I will decorate my room. I think about how I will add my art and where I will put my things. When I lived with my parents before they owned all the things that were in that room. They paid for each piece of it but now I will be bringing things I made or purchased. I don’t know if I am explaining this correctly but it will be different.

I asked my father if I could move in with them and he said yes. My mom has been offering for months but I needed to ask, I needed to make the decision. I needed to let them know that I wanted this and that I am not coming back with shame in my heart but with thanksgiving for all the things they have done for me.

I’m actually looking forward to that return as well. I’m looking forward to rediscovering what Kansas City has to offer. I’m looking forward to seeing things there with new eyes. I’m no longer a tourist or someone visiting on vacation but a resident, even if it is just for a little while.

When I left Kansas, I left to go to Seminary and to really figure out who I was. I know who I am now. I know what I like and what I don’t like. I know how strong I am. I know my insides and my outsides. I know how amazing I am and what a trailblazer I am in my field. I know that I am unique and I know that I still have lots of growing to do. I am returning as a strong woman who desires to get closer to her family and to explore what Kansas City has to offer me.

When I made this decision I had to think about everything I would have to give up and everything I would gain. I had to consider the friends I would leave behind.

I was having dinner with my friend Betsy the other day and I told her that I couldn’t choose to stay because of the friendships I have made. Some of my friends are married and some are single but my friends are not going to choose to stay in a city because I’m there and I can’t do that either.

I have loved living in Pasadena and I will surely miss all my friends and the amazing weather. I think this year we have had more rain than ever (it’s even raining now) and we have had more storms this year than ever and I have loved every minute of it. I love storms. I love listening to rain and hearing thunder. I know some people hate storms but I love them. I’m not a fan of snow but you live with what you have to.

I’m not saying that Kansas will be my permanent residence, it may be my home base or it may not. If I’m willing to follow God wherever he leads I have to be willing to leave my comfort zone, I have to be willing to leave the safety of my home and go somewhere new, somewhere different.

I’m excited to go and see what life will be like for a while. The future is wide open and I don’t know what is out there but I am excited to give it a try. I want to try to see what ministry opportunites are available in my old church or churches in the Kansas City area. I want to see what kind of fun things I can do.

I have felt God saying for a long time that I’m not meant to stay in one church. I’m meant to reach the lost and they are located everywhere. I’ve done two internships in two different churches and I loved both of them.

I’m excited to see what God will do with me in Kansas. I am sad to leave my roommate and my friends but I’m looking forward to the unknown.

I’m truly at peace with this decision. It feels like the right thing to do and the right moment to do it.

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