If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I am an alcoholic, compulsive spender and a love addict.
Most of the time my addictions only get me into trouble when I am in a bad situation. These situations are any situation where I would like to escape my life. I could be trying to escape my financial troubles or I could be wanting to escape my own feelings or anything related.
Basically if it requires coping or feeling you can bet that I am going to try to escape. And one of the means I use to escape is to turn to my addictions. I have been sober from alcohol for 3 years now and sober from spending for about a year. Since my addictions are linked to the therapy I am doing I usually don’t have much trouble trying to stay away from my addictions. The only time I might have trouble staying away from my addictions is when things feel too out of control.
Well right now in my life everything seems to be out of control.
Last night I wrote this post. It details some of how my addictions can be a real pain in the butt.
All week I have felt the need to drink or escape but today has been the worst. As I look back over the week I try to see what has me so upset. I know the need to drink or buy stuff is rooted in my need to escape. In my years of recovery from addictions and abuse I have learned to cope by escaping what is bothering me. I watch TV for hours upon hours. I read books for 8 hours straight. I spend money I don’t have. So when the feeling or need to escape comes upon me I try to discern what is going on. I try to search my mind and my feelings to help me figure out what is going on.
So as the need or desire to escape touches me tonight I try to figure out what is going on so that I won’t actually escape. I have learned that in order to not act on my addictions I have to process and deal with the feelings. I actually feel better about things when I do this instead of getting into the cycle of addiction that always includes shame and guilt. When I delve into the issue I avoid the whole cycle. At least that is the hope and usually it actually happens like that.
So what has me wanting to escape today? Money could be it but money is always an issue so that doesn’t feel like enough.
CPE is n the back of my mind. I really need to do this chaplaincy to finish my degree but it’s not in the forefront of my mind. That said, it is on the forefront of everyone else’s mind. My father, mother, and friends have been asking me about it constantly. I know it will work out and I will do it when I can so I am trying not to completely stress out about it but the people in my life keep bringing it up. I have come up with every possible idea or possible scenario that will allow me to do the CPE and I just don’t see it happening right now. SO my first goal is to find a place to work.
Finding full time employment is next on my mind. It is actually freaking me out a little bit. I have been searching for work all year and have not been successful so how do I expect to be able to find employment in the next several months?
Where will I find employment? I have been looking on idealist.org and other sites that I know about and haven’t been able to find much. I have about 12 jobs that I am looking to apply for but I have to write in my cover letters that I won’t be able to start until after my classes are completed. Does that make me seen responsible or do they automatically put me in the decline pile? Most of the jobs I am applying for are on the east coast which is totally tripping me out. How in the heck am I going to interview with them? Let’s say I actually get a job with one of these east coast or middle of the country or northern California non-profits then I have until I finish my classes to get out wherever it is located. That is stressful just thinking about it. Finding a place to live, a place to worship, a place to meet people…one thing I have learned from all my friends that have moved across the country is that setting up a community immediately is vitally important. Now I know I shouldn’t stress myself out by thinking about things that have not happened yet but it’s hard not to.
What’s even harder not to think about is what do I do if I don’t find employment by the time my classes are done? What do I do then? Do I move home? Who do I get to help me move?
This whole moving thing brings up the question of my roommate. I love my roommate. She is awesome so when do I start getting her ready for my maybe departure? I don’t know where I will be in 3 months. I may be here but what if I am not? Should I get here ready for that possibility now?
Beyond the moving and employment thing is my internship. This Sunday we are starting the class that I wrote. Talk about scary. What if it sucks? What if instead of helping people I hurt them? That is a lot of pressure.
On top of that is trying to decide what to do about internet and cable. I like to watch TV and not just as a means of escape. I like not having to think and just watch a show built upon characters and ideals that I share. Some places want contracts and with my life and future up in the air I just don’t know what to do about that.
Everything feels so completely out of control right now which is why I want to escape so very much. It is taking all of my strength not to reach for a fantasy book or not run out to buy a bottle of my favorite liquor.
So that is the insanity of my addiction. Surprising enough just writing it or processing about what I am feeling does take away some of the need to escape.
I’m not searching for someone to solve my problems I just needed to have someone listen. So thank you for reading.