Uncensored, unedited me!

Archive for January, 2012

The Line is Blurry

I wrote a post just a few days ago about my upsetting time with the doctor. I’ve been sick for 6 months. Some parts of this sickness are more easily dealt with than others.

Some are time sensitive and at a certain time of day I know I will be out of commission but other parts of the day will be fine but the all day nausea and the headaches and low energy things are where the line is blurry.

I’m talking of the line between its okay to rest and you really need to get your ass out of bed. The line has been blurred today for instance. I have spent a good amount of time resting today. But I have quite a lot to do. Some of what I have to do is prayer related and some is class related. I have a paper due tomorrow afternoon that I really need to work on and I have to do some discernment prayer for my friends. I made a commitment to them and I haven’t been able to do it.

My head is killing me. I just took one of my very large pain pills which is good because it will take away the pain but is bad because it makes me sleepy. I already took a nap today and yet my body says it needs another one.

I guess the line is blurred today because I can’t do. Do you know how absolutely annoying that is? I know that if I push myself to complete these tasks with this massive headache that my paper will suck and my discernment will suffer. Just a few minutes ago I tried to pray for one of my friends. I kept asking God to show me something and at the same time I kept thinking maybe it will be better if I just lay down or if I just sleep for a little while. Or man my head is killing me.

It still is. I am laying down with my laptop propped up on my legs and I am thinking about how much my head hurts. It hurts so much I can’t even concentrate enough to write this post.

The line today is blurry. Am I doing the right thing by resting or am I just being lazy? I know that if I push myself today, tomorrow will be worse but I also know that by resting today tomorrow could be just as bad. That is what is so annoying with this sickness. There is no guarantee that if I rest today tomorrow will be better.

So I rest. I’m going to watch one of my favorite shows and hope that this headache goes away in an hour so that I can either work on the paper or work on the discernment because I know both aren’t going to get done today. It’s sad ¬†but true.

I can only do so much and I hope that each day I land somewhere between getting the right amount of rest and not being lazy.

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Time for a haircut

Ulta sent me a 20% off coupon for a haircut and I want to use it soon. I need a haircut. I am hoping to go on many interviews in the next few months. Getting my haircut is one way I can ensure that I present the best me there is. Right now my hair is maybe an inch or so from my shoulders and when it gets this length it has a tendency to do its own thing which is really very annoying.

So I’m asking you all to help me pick the best style for me. I know I will have the final say but I would like to know what you all think. I used to have my hair cut really short. The last time I did was when I was in college and shortly there after.

As a kid I used to always keep my hair short but then some guy called me a dude and I stopped doing that.

These are some of my favorite choices:

Rhianna

I like this because it is messy and it is sassy

I really like this. I think this is the grown out version of the one below. Lots of sass ūüôā

I really love this but is it too boyish? Too much sass?

I like this but I might have to add highlights or something to make this work.

I've done this before minus the purple and I liked it but it grows out badly.

I've also done the stacked bob. Again color would have to probably be changed for this to work.

So what do you think? Any other ideas? Can you think of something you would like to see me try? I like sass and easy.

Grr doctor! Grrr!

Hey all,
If you’ve been following me on facebook at all or have run into me on campus or sent me a text lately you will know that I have been sick.

I have been sick for 6 months (I did the math yesterday) and I am annoyed!

I went to the doctor today expecting something different. I went to the doctor expecting someone to hear me. Someone to care. I didn’t get that. I got more frustration, more reason for frustration and a ride home crying.

I really did cry most of the way home. It was a sad sight to see and I was quite honestly sad. I hate living like this!

I hate it! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You get it right? Well you will when I am done! ūüôā

So 6 months ago I decided to go to the doctor because I was having¬†diarrhea every day. This is horrible diarrhea. Imagine running to the bathroom without certainty that you will make it. Imagine sitting there praying for it to be over. Imagine the night before lying in bed trying to get comfortable but dealing with pain and horrible cramping. Imagine being in the bathroom, having diarrhea and chills and pain. It is painful. Imagine that when you get up in the morning from 8am or so until 11am you can’t go anywhere or plan anything because you can’t be away from the bathroom for too long. ¬†Some days you are lucky and you only have to do this once but most days you have to repeat the running to the bathroom at least 5 times.

IT SUCKS! It’s painful and I literally cry some mornings asking God to help me. And this has been going on for 6 months! 6 months! I AM FRUSTRATED!

So I spent $20 today to see the doctor. I told her about the cramping and the low energy and the aches and the pains. I told her about my ear ache and everything and she said, “You need to go back to the GI.”

And I said, “The guy that didn’t do anything? The one that told me to add fiber to my diet and never told me about the CT.”

She said, “Well you can request someone else.”

Oh well Thank You (sarcasm and I didn’t actually say thank you).

Then I mentioned in the past 2 weeks I have had the lovely addition of an ear ache and the feeling like it is draining which has added nausea to the fun game I have been playing.

She said I need an ear wash and its probably just the wax build up. Oh please! My ears don’t hurt because of wax build up. I always have wax build up ever since my doctor in Kansas said I wasn’t allowed to use Q-Tips. (Something about pushing the wax deeper in instead of actually getting it out. He did too many washes himself which is why I know its not the build up. Been there. Done that.)

Maybe if I said I only get an ear ache when I am sitting up and a killer headache as well. And that I only feel nauseated when I bend over? Then maybe she would listen to me. I did try that but she assumed all of my symptoms were related to  the GI crap. So until they figure out what I have going on in my GI I will never know what else is wrong with me! I HATE THIS!

She did the exact same thing 6 months ago. She wouldn’t look at anything until the GI made me have 3 colonoscopys because they couldn’t get their head out of their asses. (Sorry I’m supremely pissed off right now.)

She did however tell me about the CT I had in August. That no one bother to tell me about. That was the CT that sent me to surgery. The CT also showed that I have another kidney stone and scaring in my kidney. Why didn’t anyone tell me about that before today? They send me emails about blood tests that proved nothing but another kidney stone. Who cares right? I CARE! It’s my ongoing issue. And if I don’t do something about them early they get bigger and get stuck on the way out. Kidney stones I know. Kidney stones I am used to. This no one listening to me, this no one doing anything is what I don’t know. This is something I am not used to.

It’s like they are passing me around. Each doctor saying they don’t know what’s going on and dropping the ball. “OH this isn’t my area. Go see this person.” No one’s doing anything. No one’s helping me get better. Each one dropping me. I’m the ball. Does no one care? It feels like no one cares! And that sucks! ¬†This sucks!

So I spent $20 today for nothing. I got another sample to do and get my blood drawn tomorrow. They are checking for infection. Why didn’t they check for that 6 months ago?! Will my ear infection show up on the blood test? Maybe then I can get some drugs!!!

I have to call the GI place tomorrow and request a second opinion. I’m so upset by this annoying day that I was short with my roommate earlier. I’m rarely so short with her or anyone else but I was so upset I knew I needed to call my parents and take a nap.

I hate feeling like this! I hate been inattentive to my friends because I feel so sick. It annoys the hell out of me! I hate this! I hate this! I’ve missed a couple days of work and a couple classes! And I’ve missed several fun things with friends because of this ongoing hell!

I’m so sick of this!

I need an advocate. I need someone to speak for me because no one is listening to me!

Grr doctor! Grr!

A lesson from a great RomCom

I just got done watching PS: I love you. An awesome, truly heart wrenching movie about moving beyond loss and the fear of  pain and finding yourself again as well as love.

I laughed, I cried, I wept. I love this movie even though it moves me to emotions I would rather not touch and forces me to ask myself questions I would rather not answer. I love this movie in-spite of what it does to me.

I just finished watching it and knew that I had to write something. Its 11:36pm here which means my friends on the West Coast are snuggled in their beds getting ready for the day ahead and my East Coast friends are in their beds asleep before the sun begins a brand new day.

I’m choosing not to text my friends to remind them what a great movie this is because I feel like that would be such a mean thing to do to them so instead I am writing a post here. Now it won’t be published until tomorrow morning because my internet is out but none-the-less I am writing it now.

I love it when movies teach us something about ourselves. They move beyond pure entertainment into educational and informational but on a completely personal level. I love watching a RomCom for purely entertainment purposes and learning something about myself in the process.

PS: I love you is such a film for me. The grief of losing someone you love comes bubbling to the surface every time I watch this film. Would it be better to see death coming and have a year or so to say good-bye or would it be better to get hit by a truck and never see it coming?

Is death planned better than death unexpected? I’m not contemplating death because of a brush with my own mortality but because of this movie. I have had friends and family members die and the idea of losing someone you love so dearly crushes my heart.

I have been used and abused and left and the fear within my soul is so great that it keeps me sitting on the sidelines. My fear of love and pain has kept me in the same state for 7 long years.

I can say that I have been healing and that is true but some part of me, the part of me that is weeping right now realizes that that’s not the complete truth. The truth is I am terrified. I am scared of feeling pain. I am scared of falling love. I am scared of trusting someone so deeply. I am scared of being truly happy again.

I am scared to feel such pain again or to feel worse pain and so I sit on the sidelines of my life watching opportunities pass me by.

So what did this movie teach me tonight: I can’t be scared of my own life. I can’t be scared to feel great joy. I can’t be scared to feel great pain. I can’t be scared to reach for my dreams. I can’t be scared to move on.

My time at fuller is quickly coming to an end. The safety net of school will soon be ripped away and I have to move before then. I cannot be afraid to fall. I cannot be afraid to put myself out there because if I believe all my friends, I am awesome. And the world deserves the honor of knowing me.

I’m not conceited but realistic. The world deserves the honor of knowing all of us and we cannot let our fears get in our own damn way!

Addictions can be a real pain in the butt

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I am an alcoholic, compulsive spender and a love addict.

Most of the time my addictions only get me into trouble when I am in a bad situation. These situations are any situation where I would like to escape my life. I could be trying to escape my financial troubles or I could be wanting to escape my own feelings or anything related.

Basically if it requires coping or feeling you can bet that I am going to try to escape. And one of the means I use to escape is to turn to my addictions. I have been sober from alcohol for 3 years now and sober from spending for about a year. Since my addictions are linked to the therapy I am doing I usually don’t have much trouble trying to stay away from my addictions. The only time I might have trouble staying away from my addictions is when things feel too out of control.

Well right now in my life everything seems to be out of control. 

Last night I wrote this post. It details some of how my addictions can be a real pain in the butt. 

All week I have felt the need to drink or escape but today has been the worst. As I look back over the week I try to see what has me so upset. I know the need to drink or buy stuff is rooted in my need to escape. In my years of recovery from addictions and abuse I have learned to cope by escaping what is bothering me. I watch TV for hours upon hours. I read books for 8 hours straight. I spend money I don’t have. So when the feeling or need to escape comes upon me I try to discern what is going on. I try to search my mind and my feelings to help me figure out what is going on.¬†

So as the need or desire to escape touches me tonight I try to figure out what is going on so that I won’t actually escape. I have learned that in order to not act on my addictions I have to process and deal with the feelings. I actually feel better about things when I do this instead of getting into the cycle of addiction that always includes shame and guilt. When I delve into the issue I avoid the whole cycle. At least that is the hope and usually it actually happens like that.

So what has me wanting to escape today? Money could be it but money is always an issue so that doesn’t feel like enough.

CPE is n the back of my mind. I really need to do this chaplaincy to finish my degree but it’s not in the forefront of my mind. That said, it is on the forefront of everyone else’s mind. My father, mother, and friends have been asking me about it constantly. I know it will work out and I will do it when I can so I am trying not to completely stress out about it but the people in my life keep bringing it up. ¬†I have come up with every possible idea or possible scenario that will allow me to do the CPE and I just don’t see it happening right now. SO my first goal is to find a place to work.¬†

Finding full time employment is next on my mind. It is actually freaking me out a little bit. I have been searching for work all year and have not been successful so how do I expect to be able to find employment in the next several months?

Where will I find employment? I have been looking on idealist.org and other sites that I know about and haven’t been able to find much. I have about 12 jobs that I am looking to apply for but I have to write in my cover letters that I won’t be able to start until after my classes are completed. Does that make me seen responsible or do they automatically put me in the decline pile? Most of the jobs I am applying for are on the east coast which is totally tripping me out. How in the heck am I going to interview with them? Let’s say I actually get a job with one of these east coast or middle of the country or northern California non-profits then I have until I finish my classes to get out wherever it is located. That is stressful just thinking about it. Finding a place to live, a place to worship, a place to meet people…one thing I have learned from all my friends that have moved across the country is that setting up a community immediately is vitally important. Now I know I shouldn’t stress myself out by thinking about things that have not happened yet but it’s hard not to.

What’s even harder not to think about is what do I do if I don’t find employment by the time my classes are done? What do I do then? Do I move home? Who do I get to ¬†help me move?

This whole moving thing brings up the question of my roommate. I love my roommate. She is awesome so when do I start getting her ready for my maybe departure? I don’t know where I will be in 3 months. I may be here but what if I am not? Should I get here ready for that possibility now?

Beyond the moving and employment thing is my internship. This Sunday we are starting the class that I wrote. Talk about scary. What if it sucks? What if instead of helping people I hurt them? That is a lot of pressure.

On top of that is trying to decide what to do about internet and cable. I like to watch TV and not just as a means of escape. I like not having to think and just watch a show built upon characters and ideals that I share. Some places want contracts and with my life and future up in the air I just don’t know what to do about that.

Everything feels so completely out of control right now which is why I want to escape so very much. It is taking all of my strength not to reach for a fantasy book or not run out to buy a bottle of my favorite liquor. 

So that is the insanity of my addiction. Surprising enough just writing it or processing about what I am feeling does take away some of the need to escape. 

I’m not searching for someone to solve my problems I just needed to have someone listen. So thank you for reading.¬†

 

 

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