Okay. Before I post about the amazing week I just had I thought I would say that I’m feeling a little lonely today.
I was just about to say that this is the first Christmas I have been the only single person in my immediate family but I just realized that that’s a lie.
My little sister and her boyfriend have been together for a long time now. Sure, last Christmas was the first Christmas he joined us but he’s been there all along. Also I’m just realizing that last Christmas Jessica was also in a relationship or near the beginning of a relationship I just didn’t know it at the time.
So here’s the thing. This Christmas my family is planning activities as gifts. We each have to plan a night together to do some activity. We also get to spend $20 at the most on each person for a gift. These are awesome ideas.
This is the first year that I am buying gifts for their significant others. This is the first year that our Christmas plans include my sisters’ respective boyfriends. This is the first Christmas where I actually feel alone. The first Christmas where I actually feel left out.
This is not the first Christmas where I have been single. I have been single for 7 years. But this is the first Christmas where I feel it. (Yes I know that Christmas isn’t actually here but I’m planning for it. I’m thinking up ideas of things we can all do together and realizing that I’m the only person who won’t have someone’s hand to hold or someone to say “I love you” to and it’s hitting me really hard.)
I know that my family will not want me to feel this way. They are not making me feel alone. I just feel alone. I feel sad that I am alone. I feel sad that no one special to me (outside my family system) will be standing next to me in the family photo. I feel all alone and it hurts.
This is the down side of getting connected to your feelings: you have to actually start feeling them. Dissociation was working for me but not. I wasn’t really connected to any feeling. I would get a bad feeling or really just a feeling and then immediately it would go away. That at this moment is no longer the case. I have to feel it. I have to process what I’m feeling and let the feeling ride out. Part of my process is blogging about it.
I know my Grandma will read this and email me or text me words of encouragement. I know my mom will read it and do something (she varies in her responses). I know that Vicky and Laura will read it and share some insight of how my life intersects with theirs because that’s who they are and how we relate in relationship.
Really I just posted this because I’m feeling it and was hoping that by the end I would feel a little better. And I do.
Loneliness like love and laughter and anger and all the other feelings in the world come in waves. There are days when I feel happy or at least content. And times when I feel sad and lonely. But if I allow myself to feel my feelings they don’t fester and come out somewhere else.
So really this blog was about expressing my feelings and figuring out how to ride them out without trying to escape them.
So for today I feel sad that I won’t have a significant other to share Christmas with and I know that that’s okay.