Uncensored, unedited me!

The Human Condition

I was discussing with a friend tonight how stagnate I feel my life is as of late. She was discussing how her life feels unstable. She wishes her life was more boring like mine and I wish my life was more exciting like hers.

This friend of mine, I am jealous of her. I wish I was in a complicated relationship that takes time, thought and energy. I wish I had a job that was close to my goals/ministry/dreams. I wish I had her confidence. I wish I had her style. I look at her and see what I want. And she looks at me and sees what she wants. Neither one happy with what we have, at least at this moment. Isn’t that what all the Freaky Friday movies are about. People trade lives and in the end decide that what they have isn’t that bad.

Why is it that I am never satisfied with what I have for very long? I’m always searching for more.

I have straight hair but I’d rather have curly.
I have brown hair but I’d rather have red.

I have long hair but I’d rather have short.

These human conditions are easily fixed. I can curl my hair, I can dye my hair and I can cut my hair.

But what about the more central conditions; the heart of the matter.

I am always anxious and I wish I was more laid back. I can work to get rid of my anxiety but to my core I am shy and it takes a lot of hard work to pretend I’m not.

I’m not satisfied with my style. I wish I had the figure of a girl who could wear cute dresses and I wish my style was more feminine. I wish I had the confidence to wear the style I want to wear. My style can be changed by either buying clothes (which I cannot afford to do at this time) or I can lose weight which is much more difficult than it seems.

I’m not satisfied with my singleness. In Joshua Harris’ oppressive book I Kissed Dating Goodbye he spoke of how we should relish in our singleness because it is a time to do the work of God. Well no offense to Josh but I’ve been single for several years now and I am pretty sure I could do the work I have been doing while in relationship. I have many issues with this book but now is not the time to go into that.

I’ve actually asked God to remove my desire to be in relationship and I still have this desire so I have to believe that I am supposed to be in intimate, loving relationship with a man. But if that is true than why am I still single? I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past years but a girl can only go so far by herself. So I look to the heavens and ask God WHEN? I still haven’t received an answer so I am dissatisfied with my single condition.

I’m not satisfied with my job. I wish I was working with women who have been abused. I wish I was more active in ministry.

I’m not satisfied with most of the things in my life at this moment.

Is this the human condition or am I more unsatisfied than normal?

Are we meant to be unsatisfied until that moment when we are not? When will that moment be? Is that moment only realized in heaven? Is that moment only realized when all your dreams are realized? What’s the deal? Will I be satisfied when I am married and have 2.5 kids? Will I be satisfied when I am in ministry doing the work I am called to do? Will I be satisfied when ……?

I have a loving relationship with God and I am still not satisfied with what I have. Maybe tomorrow I will be satisfied for a while but that satisfaction never lasts for very long. So you tell me: Are you satisfied with your life? What did it take to be satisfied? Or what will it take for you to be satisfied with what you have?

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