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Archive for October, 2011

Happy Birthday Dad!

My mom just sent me a picture from the church’s Trunk or Treat where my dad was wearing a clown nose. It reminded me of the goofy fun side of my dad and tomorrow is his birthday. I don’t know if he reads my blog or not but I thought I would write a blog about the things I love about my dad [and maybe my mom or grandma who actually read my blog will pass it along to him :)].

Things I love about my dad:

1. The goofy things he does. He has always had a goofy vibe. When we drive in the car he a) waves at everyone [especially people we don’t know] and b) he dances in the car. Not the no-one-can-see kind of dancing but the moving your arms and making a spectacle of yourself kind of dancing. He also dances goofy at weddings. He makes fun of himself when he is dancing so when you dance with him you can’t help but laugh.

2. He gives amazing hugs. Have you ever been hugged by someone and could immediately feel how much they love you. That’s how my dad gives hugs. You cannot help but cry when he gives you a hug. Whether I have just landed in KC or I am upset or I’m leaving to return to CA he just envelops me in those big arms of his and holds me while I cry. He loves me so much and I always feel loved when he hugs me.

3. He interacts with the TV. I love it. It is so funny. Whether he’s watching the Broncos or the Chiefs and he’s yelling at the screen [no dad they can’t hear you…they have no idea how much that fumble meant to you] or he’s moving his head around and his feet watching a crime show he is in to it. He is fully into the TV and there is no tearing him away from it. You literally have to say his name [either dad or Tim] to get his attention and sometimes even that doesn’t work. From a young age I can remember asking my dad a question and him not answering me. Mom would say, “wait honey he’s not listening to you.” Gotta love dad 😉

4. He is funny when we play games. He doesn’t like to play games. This is probably because he’s not very good at them (but I’m not that good either). It’s funny because we always seem to be on the same team and we always lose but we have a good time doing it. I have fond memories of playing Catch Phrase and both of us stammering to come up with clues. Good times, good times!

5. He prays with me when I need it. Just this summer when I was in the emergency room I called him and he calmed me down [I was freaking out about he cost] and he prayed with me before the surgery. My mom told me later that she was up worrying about me and he had gone to bed. Apparently I was in God’s hands, there was nothing he could do [Dad in KC] so he was going to bed. This made mom very angry. Dad has always been one to pray through a problem with me. When I call mom with an issue she wants to talk it out and come up with tangible answers but when I call dad with a problem he won’t let me hang up until we have prayed. I love it 😉

6. He was my valentine until a few years ago. Ever since I can remember my dad would buy myself and my sisters a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day. He said he was our valentine. I loved that. He doesn’t do it any more but I still have fond memories of my dad being my valentine.

7. He’s funny. He tells great stories and he does funny things. I remember a while back he did a skit at church and he had to say Mufasa several times. It was great. We made him do it at home too. My dad is a great story teller.

8. He takes the time to get to know me. In the past few years my dad has really taken the time to get to know me. Maybe that’s because he’s getting older or maybe its because I am in seminary but he has really taken the time to get to know me. We have real conversations and real discussions. My sisters have said that we are the most alike and I think they are right.

9. He’s a feeler. Recently I have begun to delve into what it means to feel and what that looks like. Its not often that my dad shows or shares his feelings but every once in a while you can see it. I have fond memories of watching movies and looking over to see my dad crying at a sad part. I don’t know why but I think its because it showed the softer side of my dad. In the last few years he has become even more feeler friendly. He has been sharing his feelings and I like this because it proves to me that its okay to share your feelings. He has become one of my feeler mentors. 🙂

10. He’s a good example of love. He loves my mom and sometimes it even has that ick factor 😉 [which after 35 years of marriage is good]. He also loves me and my sisters. He loves his mom and his dad and his brother and step siblings. He is a love-er [not in the gross way]. He has lots of love to share and he is not stingy when giving it out. He also loves my mom’s mom and her siblings. He just has a lot of love to give. Again this is an inspiration to me. He is a model of how intimacy should look. That’s pretty cool especially as I try to traverse all the rules of relationships and boundaries.

So those are just 10 reasons or attributes of my dad that I love. Happy Birthday dad!

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My changing view on politics

1,000 Paper Cuts.

My cousin and his family have moved to China. He does something for the Marines which had him taking language classes in Southern California for a few years before making this move to China. I’m a bad cousin because I’m unclear exactly what he is doing there.

Anyway his family is writing about their journey in China. Its been interesting to read some of the culture shock he has encountered while over there.

This particular post is about the difference in money transactions China vs the US. What struck me most about this post was the last sentence, “You have to live in a place for long enough to be uncomfortable before you can understand it.”

How true is that?

How many missionaries, pastors and churches have alienated those they are trying to reach because they came in with preconcieved notions and assumptions about people and culture?

How many missionaries, pastors, and churches have succeeded in bringing the word and making change in areas where injustices were occurring because they chose to first immerse themselves in the culture?

I’m currently taking a Politics and Faith class (no matter how ass-backwards that may seem). I have to be honest I hate politics. I have spent most of my life trying to run from senate races and the hot-button issues that get everyone fired up because everyone believes they have the right answer. But I like this class. I like how we look at politics.

Some people in the class are staunch Republicans (which to my democrat nature is annoying) and their ideas on the hot-button issues make me cringe in my seat but they are not what the class is about.

We don’t sit in class and debate who has the right answers. When my ideas differ from those in the room I try not to get hung-up on that fact. I try to ignore what is the “right” way to vote because again that’s not what the class is about.

The class is more about movement within the system. How can we use a more-often-than-not corrupt system to make change?

Ever since the voting debacle (I think it was one of Clinton’s elections) of some year (when I was voting) and the popular vote was not even close to the electoral vote and the electoral won it I have believed that my vote does not matter.

I looked at that election and saw that people more important than myself were going to vote how they wanted to and that their vote really mattered. I saw that unless I made $$$$$$$$$$$$ my vote would never matter.

This class hasn’t really changed that for me. It has more or less changed how I view politics though.

It has changed how I view what my senators actually do and what people more important than I are doing.

It has made me more aware of my duty as a citizen. Voting in my mind has not changed. Whether I do it or not, my vote is of zero consequence (and if you believe I have it backwards feel free to let me know in a calm manner. Tell me how you think voting makes an impact. I’m eager to learn on this subject but so far no one has convinced me that my vote matters.) what does matter is checks and balances.

Injustices are occurring daily. Whether that be taxes or health care or laws, injustices are happening all around us and whether or not we choose to see that is on us.

I have every plan to create a non-profit for women that are sexually abused and part of that plan, that I just realized, will have me in political arenas. I may be standing behind people far more politically savvy than myself but some political savvy may be needed.

The point to all of  this is, and yes there is a point, is in the political arena, I have become “uncomfortable enough to understand it.” I have become uncomfortable enough to move and change and to be more than someone sitting on the sidelines hoping for change.

I can pray for change all I want but I need to be more active. I need to be more serious about my beliefs. I need to push the issues that I believe are “kingdom issues.” I need to push the issues that are injustices covered in “laws” and “policies.”

I need to be more involved.

I feel a challenge rising up in me. I feel like making a challenge to you. Chap Clark would say I can make this challenge because as you have seen, I’m already challenging myself. So I’m gonna go with it even though I usually don’t do this sort of thing.

How in your life are you becoming uncomfortable enough with something to truly understand it and begin to make change?

The Human Condition

I was discussing with a friend tonight how stagnate I feel my life is as of late. She was discussing how her life feels unstable. She wishes her life was more boring like mine and I wish my life was more exciting like hers.

This friend of mine, I am jealous of her. I wish I was in a complicated relationship that takes time, thought and energy. I wish I had a job that was close to my goals/ministry/dreams. I wish I had her confidence. I wish I had her style. I look at her and see what I want. And she looks at me and sees what she wants. Neither one happy with what we have, at least at this moment. Isn’t that what all the Freaky Friday movies are about. People trade lives and in the end decide that what they have isn’t that bad.

Why is it that I am never satisfied with what I have for very long? I’m always searching for more.

I have straight hair but I’d rather have curly.
I have brown hair but I’d rather have red.

I have long hair but I’d rather have short.

These human conditions are easily fixed. I can curl my hair, I can dye my hair and I can cut my hair.

But what about the more central conditions; the heart of the matter.

I am always anxious and I wish I was more laid back. I can work to get rid of my anxiety but to my core I am shy and it takes a lot of hard work to pretend I’m not.

I’m not satisfied with my style. I wish I had the figure of a girl who could wear cute dresses and I wish my style was more feminine. I wish I had the confidence to wear the style I want to wear. My style can be changed by either buying clothes (which I cannot afford to do at this time) or I can lose weight which is much more difficult than it seems.

I’m not satisfied with my singleness. In Joshua Harris’ oppressive book I Kissed Dating Goodbye he spoke of how we should relish in our singleness because it is a time to do the work of God. Well no offense to Josh but I’ve been single for several years now and I am pretty sure I could do the work I have been doing while in relationship. I have many issues with this book but now is not the time to go into that.

I’ve actually asked God to remove my desire to be in relationship and I still have this desire so I have to believe that I am supposed to be in intimate, loving relationship with a man. But if that is true than why am I still single? I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past years but a girl can only go so far by herself. So I look to the heavens and ask God WHEN? I still haven’t received an answer so I am dissatisfied with my single condition.

I’m not satisfied with my job. I wish I was working with women who have been abused. I wish I was more active in ministry.

I’m not satisfied with most of the things in my life at this moment.

Is this the human condition or am I more unsatisfied than normal?

Are we meant to be unsatisfied until that moment when we are not? When will that moment be? Is that moment only realized in heaven? Is that moment only realized when all your dreams are realized? What’s the deal? Will I be satisfied when I am married and have 2.5 kids? Will I be satisfied when I am in ministry doing the work I am called to do? Will I be satisfied when ……?

I have a loving relationship with God and I am still not satisfied with what I have. Maybe tomorrow I will be satisfied for a while but that satisfaction never lasts for very long. So you tell me: Are you satisfied with your life? What did it take to be satisfied? Or what will it take for you to be satisfied with what you have?

Things I have a desire to do this year

Okay its 7am on a Saturday and I am wide awake? What is up with that? Well since I’m not asleep and looking at applications and what I’m not qualified to do is quite depressing I thought I would think about something fun instead. So here is a list of all things I want to do this year. I could put the added pressure of before I turn 31 but seeing how that is in May I’d rather not put that much pressure on myself.

  1. Learn how to play guitar. I have always wanted to learn how to play. Part of this is tied to the attraction I have to men who play this instrument but mostly I just think it would be awesome to know how to play. I do play the flute and I have sang so I can read music and I know my scales not that that means anything but ya know.
  2. Take a trip to San Francisco. I live so close to this dream place that I want to visit it. I wish I had the funds to go now because I’m pretty sure they get Fall and Fall is my favorite time of year.
  3. Date. Those of you who know me intimately know that I haven’t been on a date in a very long time. A very very long time. I know the reasons for not dating so far have been really good but its time to get back in the saddle. I went out with a very good friend of mine last night and the desire to meet and talk with men was very high which tells me its time. I want to go on several dates, with one or several people and get back to the fun of interacting and starting relationship with people.
  4. Ferment my style. I feel like my fashion style is okay but its not what I want it to be. I want outfits that I feel pretty in and sexy in and stylish in. Right now my style is seriously hampered by my lack of funding and I get that. But in the next few months or longer when I get a good job I want to spend some money on getting back a style that works for me  and is not completely dependent upon my money situation.
  5. Go to a college football game. I haven’t been to a college football game in quite a few years. I went to a few college football games back in KC when my team would play at Arrowhead after I graduated so it hasn’t been 7 years but its been at least 4 years and probably closer to 5. I absolutely love football. There is something about sharing the wins and losses with “your” team that is just awesome and college ball seems to be the closest you can get to that feeling.
That’s all I’ve got for now but surely more will come to me in the coming months.

Likes

If I’m going to start listening to the good voice in my head I need to figure out what I like. I had dinner last week with a great friend and she asked me to think about things that I like. So this is a growing list of the things that I like.

  1. Country Music. It reminds me of home and my college days. I love the way Country Music tells a story. I love old school Shania and new country that is making crossing genres look like an everyday activity.
  2. Old school signage. I have an old sign in my bedroom that reads, “There will be a $5.00 charge for whining” and I love it. I also have a movie poster from “Pillow Talk.” If I had more money or more rooms I would decorate my rooms with old school signage.
  3. I love inspirational plaques and such. I have an angel in my room that watches over my stuff. She’s from Hallmark. I also have a “God is Love” plaque in the living room and faith coasters. Inspirational stuff reminds me of my roots.
  4. I love bowling. I suck at it but I love it.
  5. I’m competitive at some things. For instance, on Facebook my favorite game is Monopoly Millionaires and it drives me nuts that some of my friends are passing me by. Brian I am coming for you!
  6. I love watching football. My favorite teams are the Chiefs and the Steelers but I really would watch any team for the love of the sport. There is just something about rooting for a team and sharing their wins and their losses. It’s fun.
  7. I love to read. Novels are totally fun to read and my favorite types have loads of mystery and action. I love me some action and fighting in a novel. Theology books bore me. If I want to fall asleep I pour over a theology book :). I love reading books about spirituality and sexuality. I love reading books in my field of interest. Dating books frustrate me.
  8. I love to write poetry. My favorite kind to write is free verse but every once in a while I will try to challenge myself by writing a poem that rhymes.
  9. I love canoeing but it has to be in river not in the ocean.
  10. I love river rafting.
  11. I love hiking.
  12. I love walking both long and short distances.
  13. I love to sing. Turn on some great tunes in the car, at a restaurant, church, in a movie and I am singing. I love it.
  14. I love playing with my hair and would love it if someone would play with mine.
  15. I love “Sons of Anarchy” and make sure I am home to watch it every time it is on 🙂
  16. I love dancing. I have no idea if I am good or bad at it but I love doing it. Country western, salsa, booty. Love it all.
  17. I love wearing slippers when its cold.
  18. I love watching and listening to rain.
  19. I love cuddling under the covers (either alone or with someone I love)
  20. I love being creative. I can tell when I need to get creative in a new way because I get cranky.
  21. I love playing games with my family.
  22. I love to drive with the windows down even when its cold.
  23. I love swings of every variety.
  24. I love roller coasters even if the last time I rode one I threw up.
  25. I love being stylish.
  26. I love fashion.
  27. I love pink.
This is just the beginning of things that I love and like.  Look for more to come later 🙂

Crazy Dream

“Restoring something that had been lost and making new wine-skins.”

So this morning I woke up from quite possibly one of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had. I was at some sort of center and I was waiting for my colonoscopy. Which was weird because I was drinking a Pepsi but when weird things happen in dreams you just change them. No need to freak out about drinking a Pepsi because it turned out I was there on the wrong day.  🙂

So I was about to leave when some sort of crisis came upon us which linked to the dream I had moments ago where I was stuck in a land much like I Know What You Did Last Summer with evil plots and people getting killed.

So I was at this center and my supervisor from my internship was there a long with some women from a few of the groups I have helped out with thus far at the church along with a lot of homeless men. We had to discharge all the patients and for that we needed to print out their paperwork. So I went from a patient to a helper. In the end we couldn’t print everyone’s paperwork so they informed us that we would all leave and be patted down on the way out and we would have to return tomorrow to get our paperwork.

So just before we were about to leave this older woman comes forward and says that she would like to announce what I am. She says some word that escapes me at the moment and then says its sometimes hard to spot people like me because we are like the blind leading the blind. Then she says that I am special and that I am “restoring something that has been lost and making new wine-skins.”

It was so weird and powerful that I woke up and knew that I had to write it down. I think I know what it means but I am going to wait until I am more awake to interpret it. 😉

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