Uncensored, unedited me!

L-O-V-E ???

Do you love yourself?

Do you hate yourself?

How many voices in your head are dying to be heard? I had my last session with my summer therapist today and met the new one. It was a very emotional experience.

I have gone through the saying of good-bye to a therapist before and never had an issue but this time was different. It was different because the experience was different. I’m different.

The stuff we were talking about was different. For 3 years I sat in the office with 3 different people and talked about tough stuff. That stuff was on the level. The world could see it if they asked. But this stuff, the stuff I have been working on lately, is closer to my core. It is closer to my soul, my heart, me.

As the tears rolled down my face today I realized how much I was going to miss this therapist. This man who saw me. This man who got me to see me. This man who saw more of me than I was willing to see.

I believe that we all have good and bad inside us but the bad voice inside of me is louder than the good voice. The good voice is drowned out by the more powerful bad.

The bad believes that she is protecting me by not allowing the good to the surface. By not allowing me to love myself. By not allowing me to be kind to me. Its so strange to talk about.

Today my therapist asked me if I thought he was good and bad. I said yes. I told him he was hurting me by leaving but that he was still a good man. Then he asked me if I thought I was good or bad. I said I was or. I was bad.

My head believes that I have both good and bad attributes but my heart only believes the bad. Isn’t that sad? I sat there crying in that chair, sad for the way I think about myself. It’s like in Pretty Woman when she says that the bad is easier to believe. It is.

Picture a vulnerable little girl. She’s dying to be known. Dying for friendship and dying a little on the inside because her closest friend abuses her. Her abuser tells her that if she tells anyone, no one will believe her. Her “friend” tells her that no one will want to be her friend because she is tainted. She is now ugly.

Picture this little girl growing up believing she is bad. She gets in trouble and understands that everything is her fault. Her family doesn’t give her this message, it comes from inside.

Picture this little girl as a woman. A man comes into her life and tells her that no one will love her. That she has to stay with him because no one else will ever want her. She’s damaged goods. She is bad.

How can this girl ever believe she is good? How can she ever believe that good resides inside of her?

This girl is me. This girl is struggling to believe that she is beauty. She believes that God loves her because he keeps telling her. She believes she is beauty because he says so. But the bad voice. The bad inside of her clouds her hearing sometimes. It clouds her ability to believe that she is good. That she could possibly ever get all she has ever dreamed of. She doubts it.

She is sad. She is tired. Tired of the battle to see the good inside of her. Tired of the fight.

I want to silence the bad voice in my head. I want to give the good a voice. I want her to be heard. I need to let go of control. I need to work to silence the bad.

I need to work to love myself. To show myself kindness, to let go of control, to open myself to the good.

 

I’ve gone back and forth all night about actually posting this. The voice inside my head that says that I am bad says that posting it will be too vulnerable. Everyone will see who you actually are and no one will like it. But the voice inside my head that says I am good says that posting it will make me vulnerable but it will show strength as well. She says its time to let the world in.

So for once I’m going to listen to the good voice and see what happens…..

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Comments on: "L-O-V-E ???" (4)

  1. Carol Williams said:

    I have learned the importance of choosing my words carefully when someone has shared such deep intimacies. I feel so honored and humble to be invited into this place. Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable. Thank you for trusting me with your story and thank you for being the beautiful woman that you are. Your emotions echo some of mine and your blog touched me deeply. I know how hard it is to share the emotions, I am so proud of you. xo

  2. Tammy- you are one of the bravest women I have ever met. (I have felt this for quite some time.) Today, I am especially humbled by your courage. I am so proud of your taking the bold step to share this. The good voice within you is right. It IS a sign of strength – the greatest strength. Thank you for letting me in. My prayers are with you – as you continue down this path towards freedom.

    You are beautiful. You are created well. You are loved. You are valuable and cherished.
    I am blessed to count you as my friend.
    With gratitude,
    Allison

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