My heart starts racing and a wall is erected. My mind is numb. I cannot feel and yet the person across from me is saying, “What are you feeling?”
I don’t know
I don’t know what I am feeling. I was feeling just a second ago. There is a residual pain in my chest from the feeling I felt just moments ago. What am I feeling?
The anxiety is building as the room closes around me. I am numb. I don’t know what I am feeling. I see beauty outside my window. But when he asks me to look at him and tell him what he is feeling I am pulled back in the room.
Is he angry?
Is he listening?
I know his role in the room. I know that he cares for me but I have no idea what he is feeling. He tells me he is sad.
He says I look sad. I say I don’t know what I am feeling and he says I look sad.
As he says this my face plasters on it a full on smile. I start to laugh. The situation warrants none of the above.
He ask me if I know what dissociation is. I do in different contexts so he explains that sometimes people dissociate their feelings. Often people say they feel numb.
It’s like in one minute I am feeling the emotion but then in the next moment a wall has been erected and I am safe from the emotion.
I know this is not normal but more than that I know I don’t like it. I want to tell this man sitting across from me what he means to me but I can’t because I am not in touch with it.
It is in that moment that I realize I need to change this. To fix this part of me because what I want more than anything is connection to another person. People deserve my connection to them.
I have written other posts about wanting to feel but this is the first time I have some idea of why I cannot feel. It is the first time I realize that I am keeping my emotions or feelings separate from myself.
I’m sad because the thing I want most is just out of my reach because I am keeping it at bay. I am pained because there is still more work to do before I can have what I most desire.
And now I am numb because the prospect of feeling those two things in succession seems like too much to feel at once.