Uncensored, unedited me!

Dissociation

My heart starts racing and a wall is erected. My mind is numb. I cannot feel and yet the person across from me is saying, “What are you feeling?”

I don’t know

I don’t know what I am feeling. I was feeling just a second ago. There is a residual pain in my chest from the feeling I felt just moments ago. What am I feeling?

Numb

Distant

Not connected

Unknown

Unsure

Unreal

The anxiety is building as the room closes around me. I am numb. I don’t know what I am feeling. I see beauty outside my window. But when he asks me to look at him and tell him what he is feeling I am pulled back in the room.

Is he angry?

Is he listening?

I know his role in the room. I know that he cares for me but I have no idea what he is feeling. He tells me he is sad.

Sad? Really?

He says I look sad. I say I don’t know what I am feeling and he says I look sad.

As he says this my face plasters on it a full on smile. I start to laugh. The situation warrants none of the above.

He ask me if I know what dissociation is. I do in different contexts so he explains that sometimes people dissociate their feelings. Often people say they feel numb.

It’s like in one minute I am feeling the emotion but then in the next moment a wall has been erected and I am safe from the emotion.

I know this is not normal but more than that I know I don’t like it. I want to tell this man sitting across from me what he means to me but I can’t because I am not in touch with it.

It is in that moment that I realize I need to change this. To fix this part of me because what I want more than anything is connection to another person. People deserve my connection to them.

I have written other posts about wanting to feel but this is the first time I have some idea of why I cannot feel. It is the first time I realize that I am keeping my emotions or feelings separate from myself.

I’m sad because the thing I want most is just out of my reach because I am keeping it at bay.  I am pained because there is still more work to do before I can have what I most desire.

And now I am numb because the prospect of feeling those two things in succession seems like too much to feel at once.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: