Uncensored, unedited me!

Archive for September, 2011

L-O-V-E ???

Do you love yourself?

Do you hate yourself?

How many voices in your head are dying to be heard? I had my last session with my summer therapist today and met the new one. It was a very emotional experience.

I have gone through the saying of good-bye to a therapist before and never had an issue but this time was different. It was different because the experience was different. I’m different.

The stuff we were talking about was different. For 3 years I sat in the office with 3 different people and talked about tough stuff. That stuff was on the level. The world could see it if they asked. But this stuff, the stuff I have been working on lately, is closer to my core. It is closer to my soul, my heart, me.

As the tears rolled down my face today I realized how much I was going to miss this therapist. This man who saw me. This man who got me to see me. This man who saw more of me than I was willing to see.

I believe that we all have good and bad inside us but the bad voice inside of me is louder than the good voice. The good voice is drowned out by the more powerful bad.

The bad believes that she is protecting me by not allowing the good to the surface. By not allowing me to love myself. By not allowing me to be kind to me. Its so strange to talk about.

Today my therapist asked me if I thought he was good and bad. I said yes. I told him he was hurting me by leaving but that he was still a good man. Then he asked me if I thought I was good or bad. I said I was or. I was bad.

My head believes that I have both good and bad attributes but my heart only believes the bad. Isn’t that sad? I sat there crying in that chair, sad for the way I think about myself. It’s like in Pretty Woman when she says that the bad is easier to believe. It is.

Picture a vulnerable little girl. She’s dying to be known. Dying for friendship and dying a little on the inside because her closest friend abuses her. Her abuser tells her that if she tells anyone, no one will believe her. Her “friend” tells her that no one will want to be her friend because she is tainted. She is now ugly.

Picture this little girl growing up believing she is bad. She gets in trouble and understands that everything is her fault. Her family doesn’t give her this message, it comes from inside.

Picture this little girl as a woman. A man comes into her life and tells her that no one will love her. That she has to stay with him because no one else will ever want her. She’s damaged goods. She is bad.

How can this girl ever believe she is good? How can she ever believe that good resides inside of her?

This girl is me. This girl is struggling to believe that she is beauty. She believes that God loves her because he keeps telling her. She believes she is beauty because he says so. But the bad voice. The bad inside of her clouds her hearing sometimes. It clouds her ability to believe that she is good. That she could possibly ever get all she has ever dreamed of. She doubts it.

She is sad. She is tired. Tired of the battle to see the good inside of her. Tired of the fight.

I want to silence the bad voice in my head. I want to give the good a voice. I want her to be heard. I need to let go of control. I need to work to silence the bad.

I need to work to love myself. To show myself kindness, to let go of control, to open myself to the good.

 

I’ve gone back and forth all night about actually posting this. The voice inside my head that says that I am bad says that posting it will be too vulnerable. Everyone will see who you actually are and no one will like it. But the voice inside my head that says I am good says that posting it will make me vulnerable but it will show strength as well. She says its time to let the world in.

So for once I’m going to listen to the good voice and see what happens…..

Dissociation

My heart starts racing and a wall is erected. My mind is numb. I cannot feel and yet the person across from me is saying, “What are you feeling?”

I don’t know

I don’t know what I am feeling. I was feeling just a second ago. There is a residual pain in my chest from the feeling I felt just moments ago. What am I feeling?

Numb

Distant

Not connected

Unknown

Unsure

Unreal

The anxiety is building as the room closes around me. I am numb. I don’t know what I am feeling. I see beauty outside my window. But when he asks me to look at him and tell him what he is feeling I am pulled back in the room.

Is he angry?

Is he listening?

I know his role in the room. I know that he cares for me but I have no idea what he is feeling. He tells me he is sad.

Sad? Really?

He says I look sad. I say I don’t know what I am feeling and he says I look sad.

As he says this my face plasters on it a full on smile. I start to laugh. The situation warrants none of the above.

He ask me if I know what dissociation is. I do in different contexts so he explains that sometimes people dissociate their feelings. Often people say they feel numb.

It’s like in one minute I am feeling the emotion but then in the next moment a wall has been erected and I am safe from the emotion.

I know this is not normal but more than that I know I don’t like it. I want to tell this man sitting across from me what he means to me but I can’t because I am not in touch with it.

It is in that moment that I realize I need to change this. To fix this part of me because what I want more than anything is connection to another person. People deserve my connection to them.

I have written other posts about wanting to feel but this is the first time I have some idea of why I cannot feel. It is the first time I realize that I am keeping my emotions or feelings separate from myself.

I’m sad because the thing I want most is just out of my reach because I am keeping it at bay.  I am pained because there is still more work to do before I can have what I most desire.

And now I am numb because the prospect of feeling those two things in succession seems like too much to feel at once.

God’s still speaking to my soul

Last night a friend of mine invited me to a night of prayer and potluck. I have actually been invited to events like this before but have never gone for fear of not knowing anyone (besides the host). I decided that I needed prayer so I wanted to go. In order to insure that I wouldn’t back out I decided to offer rides to a couple people that needed one. This worked out great and eased some of my social anxiety. Some awkward conversations where I continued to say the wrong thing brought back the anxiety but I was in the door and people were relying on me for rides so there was no leaving early.

I talked with some new people and soon relaxed enough to be myself. When it came time for prayer I gave an abridged version of what was going in my life. I was seeking prayer for healing but not getting my hopes up because I have been prayed for before for healing and I have never received which can be a little frustrating and sad. When we were praying silently I kept asking God to open my heart to not only healing but what he had to say to me.

My friend who was leading asked for everyone to lay hands on me which is an experience that I love. I love the feel of people holding me in prayer. Which is an odd feeling for me because touch is such an intimate and sometimes awkward thing. It requires trust which is not something that I give freely.

Within seconds one of the people praying said that he heard God telling me that I am beautiful and that God had not forgotten me. I was lost in emotion. For one, God gave me a word a few months ago: Beauty. He said that I am beauty which is just truly awesome so confirmation of that was great. When he said that God had not forgotten me I realized that I felt that God had forgotten me. The turmoil of what has been going on health wise was leaving me feeling forgotten.

I have also felt forgotten when it comes to romantic relationship. Like God just forgot that part of the plan. A repeated concept as people prayed was that God had not forgotten me.

There were other things said but the things that stuck were that I am beautiful and that God had not forgotten me. When they were done praying my friend asked what I was feeling and I responded that I was still in pain but that God was speaking to my soul.

Once we were done praying for me I had the chance to pray others which was just as fun as getting prayed for. I loved using some of the healing techniques or tools that I have picked up and allowing God to show me what he saw in others or wanted to say to people. It was truly an awesome night.

I also realized something that is important to me. I realized that I would like the next man I date to be someone I can do ministry with. Not that this man has to do the ministry that I am doing or that he has to be a minister. But that I like the idea of praying for people with the man I love. I like the idea of doing ministry side-by-side is something new and something I would like to give a try.

All in all it was a great night. I didn’t receive any physical healing but God spoke to me, which is really all I can ask for.

MP3 on Shuffle

I once told someone that I listen to any music except for classical and as my mp3 shuffles the 1,000+ songs I realize that isn’t far off the mark.

The MP3 shuffles from “Bottoms Up” where my foot is tapping, hands are moving and my butt is shaking to some Michael Buble’s “Crazy Love” where he explains how love wrecks him. It is funny mainly because I know all the words to both. I’m excited by the lyrics of bodies shaking as much as lyrics of a man being lost to love.  Music speaks to my soul.

I love to read, to watch TV, to watch movies, to paint, to knit etc. But nothing speaks to my soul like music. When Jeremy Camp sings of the “Healing Hand of God” my heart and soul long to feel that healing hand. I reach my hand to the sky and pray that God will reach his hand out to me.

When Carrie Underwood sings of scratching a guys car with her keys I think of the men who have hurt me in my past by cheating on me and I vow to never let that happen again. I actually smile when she destroys his precious vehicle wishing I could exact vengeance like that on the men that have hurt me.

Music has a way of creeping into places of my soul that I thought were blackened and dead. Music reminds me that I am a pretty amazing person who has survived pretty horrendous things. I rock! 🙂

Its funny to think of yourself as rocking. It has been drilled into me since I was a kid that it is wrong to boast in yourself and that you should always be humble. This idea has sometimes been a detriment to my survival even though I am certain that my teachers, friends, and family did not mean it that way.

I think sometimes its okay to think that you rock. Its okay to believe that you can do something that other’s can’t or haven’t tried yet to do.

TLC, who is currently singing “Creep”, taught through their music that women’s sexuality was something not to be scared of but to take empowerment from. They taught that we should love who we are and protect ourselves. That’s a pretty strong message. They were doing something that no one else had done before and they broke ground on women empowerment.

As we were singing a song in church this morning about giving God our heart I began saying a prayer (under my breath so as not to disturb the other people around me). I began asking God to enter the hearts of every woman in that auditorium so that they would never know pain and loneliness. So that every woman in there would never doubt that God loved them and that they were loved. This simple song about God wanting all of us including our hearts had me praying for those in the church so that they would all know the power of God’s love. Once I was done praying I said a simple sentence that the men in the room would feel the same. In that moment (and previous moments) I was certain that my ministry is to women. Men in this context were an afterthought. I am attracted to men but the ministry in my life is directed at women.

As Taylor Swift sings of “Our Song” I smile at the innocence of her age and the heartache she has yet to fully understand. It reminds me of new and young love. Its fun and sweet. My toe taps to the country beat and my voice sings the lyrics that hold innocence and memories of the first loves in my life.

Music has a way of transforming us and transporting us in to future and past events. We listen to the beats, lyrics and our soul opens up and invites the ideas of others to speak to us.

As Carly Simon sings of “Do the Walls Come Down?” I smile. I think of car rides where my parents blared Carly Simon, Eric Clapton, James Taylor, Chicago, and the dreaded Michael Bolton. I actually love Carly Simon, James Taylor,Chicago,  and Eric Clapton. I don’t love Micheal Bolton. As the song plays I think of trips to Denver, CO to visit family. I think of the games that mom would hand us at the different stops. When we were kids we would get puzzles and other fun games and as we got older we would get magazines. I can remember the smell of the grape game my mom gave me and I can see the pouches that held those games. Our names were embroidered on the fabric and there were pockets for the car ride games where magnets were a huge part. I don’t remember what most of those games were called but I can picture them. As the song plays this memory skates across my mind and it is a happy one.

Songs bring out emotions both positive and negative. I am transported to places and memories and dreams. I love music and I love that I listen to all kinds of music. I am as complicated as my music selections and I love it. 🙂

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