Uncensored, unedited me!


You know that feeling when you are really exhausted but you force yourself to stay awake. It’s like that moment that you see on babies faces before they fall asleep. They take their little fist and rub their eyes or rub their noses and do anything they can before succumbing to the sleep or exhaustion that pulls them under.

Right now I’m feeling that. I’m sitting on my couch in my living room watching a favorite movie and my eyes are little slits and my body is sitting but I feel like I’m doing somersaults.  Its a funny feeling…

Fall in other parts of the world has started. Students are returning for school and I am gearing up for finals. Its a funny juxtaposition (I love big words).

People back home have been asking me what my plans are for the coming year. I promised them that I would think about it this summer but I didn’t. They ask what I’ve been doing and my only answer is that I’ve been sick. Even before the surgery I was sick. After the surgery I have been sick. The only summer-like activity I did happened this past week. I went putt-putting with friends and that was the only summer activity I actually did. I meant to go swimming and to drive-ins and Shakespeare in the park but the only summer activity I did was putt-putt and it happened this week.

Where has the summer gone? Where has the time gone to ponder my future? Where has the time gone to figure out jobs and life and school? Its all gone. The new quarter will be starting soon and I haven’t thought about any of it…at all. I felt free from the worry because I was so focused on my ailments. I haven’t had time to wallow in the unknown and I have really enjoyed that. But there are people in my life that keep asking me: What’s next? I have no answers as of yet and I don’t know what to say. “I don’t know” just doesn’t seem like a good enough answer.

The only answer I can think of is to keep searching for non-profit jobs and go where I can find one. If I can find a part-time one then I can finish the chaplaincy and then continue on with life. I’m just not sure what’s gonna happen next. And even though people keep on asking me what’s next, and even though I still have no answers, I’m kind-of okay with that. Does that seem weird?

I’m sure it does. But I’m kind-of okay with that. As “Definitely Maybe” ends and my mind starts flipping my body upside down again and my eyes start to close and my body says its time for bed I’m okay with the fact that I still don’t have answers for what’s next. I shrug my shoulders and get ready for bed and pray that maybe tomorrow I will consider some of these problems but for now they are simply inconsequential.

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