Yesterday I was supposed to get answers, I was supposed to have a test done that would provide for me answers to a long hard battle. No answers were had, no test was done.
Yesterday I was supposed to have a colonoscopy. I did the horrible prep the night before. The prep that has you praying to the porcelain god and asking the heavenly Father to just take you now. The prep that has you running to the bathroom every few minutes and drinking the worst tasting crap you could ever drink. I did this prep hoping to get some answers to a sickness that has been plaguing me all summer. I did this prep praying that God would finally tell me what is wrong so that I can get back to a normal life.
I sat in my friend’s car on the way to the hospital praying that everything would be alright. I sat there telling her how much pain I was in and how I needed relief. She told me that she and another friend wholeheartedly conferred. She told me how I have been suffering for a long time and deserve answers and a break. I love this friend. I love that she saw how much I needed this. We prayed together that I would finally get some answers.
No answers. No test.
When I got to the hospital I paid my $250 for the test (which I got back). I sat in the waiting room. I walked back to the holding room. I changed into a gown. Talked with a nurse. Was wheeled down to the procedure room. They put the heart monitoring stuff on me and then said, “Its only been a few weeks since your surgery you can’t have this done.” WHAT?!?!?!?
When the doctor said this my heart starting doing somersaults in my chest. I started saying to God, “Please tell me I did not do that prep for nothing!” But it turned out I did the prep for nothing!
The doctor said that I couldn’t have the test this soon after my surgery. So I said, “Why didn’t anyone tell me this before today!” She said, “Who should have told you?” So I said, “SOMEONE!” She called the surgeon to make sure that she was right while I talked with the nurse. She was nice and trying to console me but I just kept repeating, “I did the prep. I did the prep. I’m here. I did the prep.” The nurse kept asking me questions about my life and I just kept saying, “I need answers. My summer has been shit and I need answers.” I started to cry and the doctor came back over.
She explained that she couldn’t do the procedure because it could cause some internal stuff to go ape-shit (my word).If she did the test I could end up back in the hospital. To which I said, “Fine, I understand the reasoning behind the fact that you cannot do this today but why didn’t someone notice this earlier? Before I did the prep?” To which the doctor said, “Who would have noticed?” “Anyone!”
But since I had a captive audience I decided to get some help. I asked her what to do since I drank the whole jug again and my stool was not clear? She said you can take some dulcolax. Okay. She said I would need the test at the end of next month.
I said, “Okay but I’m in pain now! So what do I do for the next month!”
She said, “What are your symptoms again?”
I said, “Diarrhea and cramping morning and night.”
She said, “You had this test before and what did they do.”
“They told me it was colitis and gave me some antibiotics.”
“Well, I can prescribe some Pepto-Bismol.”
I didn’t say anything to that. But I was thinking “How is that going to help me?”
They wheeled me out of the procedure room and back to the holding room where nurse after nurse told me how sorry they were and that they believed that someone should have caught this and that that someone was not me. I loved these nurses for this reason and hated my doctor that she couldn’t see that. I hated my surgeon that he scheduled it so soon and that his office and the GI office didn’t catch this stupid mistake before this hour. I hated myself for not asking anyone if it was too soon and I hated my life because I knew I would be living in this pain for a while longer.
Its not just the day or the pain that has me so down today. Its the fact that I still don’t have answers. Its the fact that I am wondering around aimlessly hoping to find some relief. Its the fact that I have to again pay attention to what I am eating and how each morsel of food is causing me trouble. Its the fact that I can’t do anything before 11am for fear that I might be too far from the bathroom. Its the fact that this whole being sick thing has me down in the dumps.
I usually like life. I can usually find a way to pick myself up off the floor and get on with it. I can usually do this. My life has not been easy and each person I meet and tell my story to wonders how I can go on. They wonder how it is possible that I’m not laying in my bed each day and struggling to survive. I don’t know how I usually do it. I think I usually do it because my health is good or at least one aspect of my life is good.
Right now the one aspect of my life that is good/worry free is my friendships. They’re keeping me going. The good friends in my life that keep checking up on me and family that keeps checking up on me. My Grandma Summers texts me at least once a week to tell me that she is praying for me and that she loves me. Its moments like that that keep me going.
But today I’m having trouble seeing that. I’m having trouble seeing that because every part of my body aches. I’m having trouble seeing that because my body is cramping in places it has no business cramping. I’m having trouble seeing that because I need to run to the bathroom right now….I’m so over this!
I can’t see the silver-lining that is hiding behind every dark corner. I can’t see it. I’ve got stuff to do today and I can’t see the point. All I want to do is curl up on the sofa and watch movies and TV that will make me laugh and forget what happened yesterday.
I hate leaving things this sad but that’s what I’m feeling. So for this post there is no happy upswing. For this post there is no “But I’ll be okay.” For this post there is none of that because right now in this moment I’m not feeling it. So for now, maybe just the next few minutes, maybe just the next few hours, I’m gonna be sad. I’m gonna be angry at the situation and I’m gonna be sad that I have no answers to my questions.