Uncensored, unedited me!

Loneliness

Today was the second retreat for my class this summer. We spent the day in solitude. When I got to class in the morning I was certain I was going to be writing about some of the prophetic words I have received in the last week but as the morning went on I realized that wasn’t going to happen. Below you will find some of what I wrote throughout my day.

Loneliness
A cute kid bends over his mother’s arm begging to touch the flowers
He wants to feel the pretty purple flower
He wants to touch it
To feel how it feels and how it is different from everything he has seen before
He is longing to touch it and probably taste it
I feel that way with love
I’ve seen glimpses of what it can be
I’m not so romantic to believe the fairy tales of my childhood
I’m not searching for my prince charming
I have no desire to be rescued
I’m instead looking for something real
I’m searching for someone real
With flaws
With annoying habits
Who will make me aggravated as many times as he makes me laugh
Who will forget important dates but make up for it later
Someone who wants to hear about my day, good or bad
And who is dying to tell me about their day

A little girl leans against her mother
She’s just playing
I want someone to play with
Someone to ride roller coasters with
Someone to play games with
Someone to go to parties with
Someone who views me as their best friend
Someone who is excited to see me just because I am me
Someone who kisses me just to say hello or goodbye or I love you
I’m looking for someone as enamored with me as I am with them

Friends are good but they are no substitute for the loving relationship you have with the man you love

I feel like the boy begging to touch the flowers
God holds me in his arms just out of reach of love
I’m leaning out of his arms and trying to capture love in my hands
To feel it in my heart and soul
I want to grasp it to see how it is different from what I already know

A kid trails behind his mother
He’s thinking “from back here I can touch anything I want”
I sometimes feel this way with God
If I trail behind him promising not to touch anyone and wishing that maybe just maybe
While God’s back is turned
I can touch love
I can find someone to love who will love me in return

God asked me to play and I did
The first steps I took, took me to a bunny hiding under a bush
Then a fountain that was a frog
Beautiful flowers and streams
My fun or play time led me to a bench under a tree
This song started playing on my mp3 and I felt God talking to me
I sat with God under this tree and played with him
I let his breeze kiss my skin
Listened to the water in the stream
And I knew I had to let go
Let go of control
Of dating pretenses
Of finding answers in books
Written by people who tried something that worked for them and after the fact wrote theology to fit it

You, God have the plan
You, God know my desires and my frustrations
You know the ache that is still growing
You know it all
You know the man I will meet
Or have already met
You won’t let him be afraid to ask me out
You won’t let him pass by me
You won’t leave me behind
And you won’t let us miss each other
You will hit him by a 2 by 4 if you have to
And when we meet you won’t allow me to dismiss him
You won’t allow my preconceived notions get in the way of something real
You won’t allow the questions in my mind stop us
You will make it happen

I’m content to play
I’m content to believe that God will care for me
That I won’t be left behind
And when the guy that will love me comes along, God won’t let me miss out
He won’t let me get in my own way
He will take care of and love me
I may get restless
But God will remind me that he has this
That he is taking care of me
And there is no need to worry
I just need to play now
Get back in the groove
And God will make sure I don’t miss the man for me when he comes around

After I was done writing I noticed this quote in my journal
“God often takes a course for accomplishing His purposes directly contrary to what our narrow views would prescribe. He brings a death upon our feelings, wishes, and prospects when He is about to give us the desire of our hearts.” –John Newton

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