I had dinner with a good friend and we talked about loss of relationship and money troubles. I came home from a great Yarn Night at 10pm. A bit earlier than normal but oh well.
I came home and for the last 3 hours I have been online looking for things I need. I’ve been to amazon and target and fashion bug.
I’ve looked at swim suits because mine is okay but could use some improvement (I’ve had it for years!!)
I’ve looked at comforters because mine is falling apart.
I’ve looked at crops and capris because my roommate wears them a lot and I just like the idea of having some.
I’ve looked at skirts in hopes that I might find some I actually like.
I’ve filled up carts
I’ve deleted carts
I’ve looked at full carts and prices and decided to close off.
I’ve found some good deals: comforter and sheets for $30, swimsuits for $30, capris for $10 and crops for $8.
I’ve talked myself in and out of buying a lot of things tonight.
In the end I did not buy anything.
So after 3 hours of online shopping and nothing being delivered I had to ask myself what was I doing before I started that? What in my life has me turning towards shopping instead of turning towards my problems?
If I had bought anything in those bags I would have regretted it later. I would have returned everything and been sorry that I bought them. My troubles would have returned.
I’m an addict. I’m an addict because I turn towards shopping and away from my problems or troubles or actual life.
I’m alone. I’m sitting in my apartment, wondering what the cat has gotten into and wondering when my next date will come. Is my loneliness just another way of running?
What am I running away from? There is plenty to run from:
My future and the questions that it holds
The uncertainties of life and the weight that that holds in my heart
The unknown and the way that that feels so unsafe
I spent hours looking for someway to feel better about myself, my situation, and my future
In the end I feel just as empty as I began
I did make progress though
Years ago I would have bought everything in that cart and when the guilty feelings began I would have run to the liquor store and bought margaritas and drank my sorrows away and in the morning when the headache subsided and the guilty feelings returned I would have escaped into love fantasy and so on and so on until I felt retched and guilty and shamed so much so that I would have fallen into a deep depression with no way out.
I have made progress. It took a lot of strength and courage to close out those bags and not to run to the liquor store and to process what I’ve been thinking and what has driven me to spend my evening like this.
I haven’t solved any of my problems and I’m still upset about life but I didn’t do anything destructive with my evening. I wasted lots of time but I didn’t spend any money I don’t have and I didn’t destroy anything. And for tonight that is enough.
In the famous words of Shrek “That’ll do Donkey, that’ll do”