Uncensored, unedited me!

Lament of Pain

For my Writings class we had to write a lament this week. I feel like I have been doing this for weeks. I thought I would post it here.

Lament of Pain
Lord, my God how great is your majesty
How joyous your love abounds
You are mighty and loving
Your contradictions are boundless

Today the pain is unbearable
The shooting bursts of fire
Make it difficult to see you, to hear you
All I feel is pain, all I see is tears

You God are great
You God are mighty
Mighty to save

Why God don’t you save me?
Why don’t you save me from this pain?
Why do you let it linger, day after day?

I pray to you
I get prayers of healing
I believe that you God can heal me from this ailment
I believe that only you have this power

But prayer after prayer
Person after person
Nothing happens
I awake with this pain
I sleep with this pain

The fear is building
The fear of not dancing again
The fear of not walking long distances again
The fear of worshipping in pain always

You God could take away this pain
But you don’t
You make a choice not to
I am haunted by this choice

Every time someone prays they say
“Do you feel anything?”
“No”
Every time this happens I lose my trust

I believe you are the creator
You are the God that can bring healing
You are the God that can mend broken bones
You are the God who can settle broken hearts
But yet you choose not to heal me
You choose not to mend my bones
You choose not to straighten my spine

Why?
Why me?
Why my back?
Why leave me in this pain?
Why?
What is the lesson?
What haven’t I learned yet?
Where is your message?

I have been dealt bad hands before
Abuse
Neglect
Heartbreak
But this
This wound
It hurts the most

Just when I felt good about myself
Just when I felt like I could stand tall
Just when things were going my way
My dreams were dashed
My hopes were broken
The vase has been shattered

You are a good God
I believe you are good
You can bring about healing
You can make this happen
Why, in this case, don’t you want to bring healing?

Have I done something wrong?
Have I committed a sin?
Have I broken our covenant?
Am I not chosen?

What can I do to make this right?
I believe we have a relationship
One built upon faith, understanding, and authenticity

I come to you, humbled before you
Asking you to grant me this one wish
Yet you keep saying no
You have answered my prayer

Your answer is
No
I don’t like this answer
I don’t understand this answer
Why God?
Why have you turned you back on me?
Why have you left your daughter?

Am I no longer in your favor?
Am I no longer worthy of your grace?
Have I done something to offend you?

I don’t believe this is how it works
I don’t believe you are punishing me
But I feel punished
My feelings are a jumble of misinterpretation

You are a mystery
I love your mysterious ways
But just this once
I was hoping for healing
Just this once I wanted something more

I hear your no, I respect that no
But I want you to know I am not happy about it
Right now
Today
In this moment
I am not happy with you

But I believe in you
I am not walking away from my faith
I am not leaving you because I know that you never leave me

You have been upset with me before
And you have never left
So now it is my turn
It is my turn to be upset with you

I will give you thanks for the moments
The moments when the pain is less
The moments when there is joy in my heart
The moments when I see beauty
The moments when your creation meets me
The moments when I seek you out and you are there

I will be angry for a spell
But this is part of relationship
I do not understand your plan
But I believe you have one
I do not understand what the big idea is
But I believe that you have my best interests at heart

Oh God, my God
You have not left me
I will not leave you
But please if you can
See to it that this pain does not last forever
Please see to it that the pain does end

I believe you can heal me
I will continue to ask
I will continue to believe that you will do it this time
I will continue to seek prayer

The only thing I ask, beyond healing
Is that you help me to keep my faith
That you don’t allow your not healing me to end our relationship
That you keep me strong
Help me to hold on

Thank you Lord
For my life
For my friends
You are the creator, the healer, and my friend.
Amen

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