So I am sitting here trying read Ezra and Nehemiah for my online class and I just got this wave of sadness. Yesterday Laura, one of my closest friends, who feels like a sister to me got married. And I had the honor being a bridesmaid (for the first time) and it was great. I loved being a part of all of that even though it was a little stressful.
My back is killing me today and it has me a bit worried. To be absolutely honest it has me a lot worried. I have scoliosis and back when I was in high school I had full body x-rays to see how bad it was. Today in church when my back was killing me I was thinking about that. I was thinking about how before this year, my 29th year of life, I have never felt the difference. I have never noticed that one hip is higher than the other or that one shoulder is higher than the other. But this year I have started to notice that. Some times of the month I notice it more often than others. So I’m sitting in church, trying desperately to listen but all I can think about is how much my back is killing me. So I reach under my shirt in the back and see if I can feel where my spine is and see if I can feel how it curves. But of course I couldn’t. I don’t remember where it curves anyway. I mean it feels weird to touch my lower back but I cannot tell where it curves or where your spine is supposed to be. As I am feeling my back the pain is getting worse and when I touch my spine in the middle of my back all sorts of pains erupt and things get numb. Anyway I am sitting in church, trying desperately to pay attention to the words that are being spoken but find it awfully difficult to hear anything. All of the sudden I get this urge to lay down on the floor. God is telling me to lay down. I do not want to lay down because the floor is gross. We meet in the Icehouse a famous comedy club in Pasadena and the floor is disgusting. But I keep hearing God telling me to lay down on the floor. So when it comes time for the prayer time I go up to Brian and I ask him to pray over me as I lay down on the floor. As he is praying J.D. joins us and I feel a peace enter my body as Brian is praying. Now I didn’t feel any heat and I had no healing but when I got up I was a bit more relaxed and there was definite tingling in my feet. I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what is going on with my back but I did feel more peace when I got up off that floor. Maybe I am freaking out about nothing or maybe it is something but there was a peacefulness that came over me and as I was retelling that story to you I got a rush of peace.
When I began this blog it was going to be about my rush of sadness. My rush of frustration that my back hurts so much that I cannot focus on my homework for my online course. That my back hurts so much that I am exhausted and I won’t be able to get everything done that I meant to today. That my back is killing me.
Sadness that yet another of my friends is married and I am still not. For this online class you have to introduce yourself to the other people in the class and in almost everyone’s introduction they wrote about how long they have been married or how long they have been with their significant other and I was saddened by that.
Last week I began dating God which just sounds silly to me but it does help with some of the loneliness I have been feeling. The other physical stuff that God cannot do, like physical hugs, I will have to get from my friends. Even though I am dating God I am still sad that I am not dating an actual physical man. But I think I have to love myself a little more before I can begin to love a man.