Uncensored, unedited me!

A Conversation with God

I don’t know about your church but mine sometimes forgets that there are two sides to the conversation. I mean they kind of remember but its hard to tell. This past week when they were picking songs to sing I think they forgot.
That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the songs today….I did. We sang one of my favorites “Your Love is Strong” by Jon Foreman

It is an awesome song but it is all about our side of the conversation. I needed to hear God’s voice. I needed to hear what he had to say. I felt a little lost today and needed to hear God. So I sat down and wrote out a conversation with God. I wrote my side and paused to think about what God would say to me as well as what he has already said to me.

I did this same exercise/prayer idea a couple of weeks ago when my back was killing me. God and I talked it out. I actually wrote it down in my sketch pad and then I drew over it. I did the same thing a few days later and painted over it. The second was full of my doubts but in the end it was covered in the words Love and Beauty (once I get some batteries for my camera I will post a picture of it). It was actually a great exercise.

So today in church I had a conversation with God. I am going to share it with you because I want to. As I had this conversation with God I felt it in my heart, in my soul, in my entire being. At the beginning I was crying and by the end I was filled with peace.

Lord I am tired. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m upset.
Why is my back still hurting? Is it true that these adult men abused me too? Is it true?
I believe in you. I want to believe that you love me. I want to believe that you will provide for me. I want to believe that you love me and are trustworthy.
I do believe.
I believe that you care. I believe that you wipe away my tears and that you count them.
I believe you have a plan. I believe that you know what you are doing here.
I’m not sure I can stand. I want to know. I need to know. So that I can heal that place. So that I can feel the pain of it and move on so that it becomes part of my past. Will you hold me when I cannot stand?
Will you be the person who takes care of me? The lover of my soul? Will you, God, be my boyfriend? Will you bring the intimacy I long for? Will you hold me, hug me, and love me as I try to figure out my past? As I delve into the dark places in my mind will you throw me the life-preserver?
Will you wipe away my tears as I learn the truth? Will you do that?
Will you show me what a husband is supposed to be like? Will you love me as I long to be loved?

Tammy. My child. YES!!! Yes! I will do all these things. I will!
I love you my child.
Thank you for asking me!
Thank you for reaching out and asking me!
I will happily wipe away your tears.
I do have a plan.
I want to do these things. I want to hold your hand. I want to hug you and love you and give you the intimacy you desire and deserve. I promise to speak truth into your heart. I promise to hold you up when you cannot stand.
I promise to sit with you as you cry and try to get a handle on your past.
I promise to sit with you in the pain.
I promise to help you. I promise to be better than you can imagine. I promise to heal you. I promise to love you. I promise to be strong and I promise to save you.

Lord. Thank you!
I promise to try to remember you are there.
I promise to try harder.

Tammy my sweet child.
Not harder.
Do what you can.
That’s all I ask.

Lord. Thank you!
Thank you for reminding me I am human.
I promise to show up and do what I can and to trust that you will take care of it.

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