I mentioned a couple of times that I have been doing some art. So these are the pictures of some of the things I have been working on.
The first is a piece that God has been giving me for a while. I am not an artist by any means and this does not even come close to what is in my head but it is the best I can do with the sub-par skills I have.
The second piece is a conversation I had with God. It was back when my back was killing me.
The third piece is the piece I spoke about in my last post. I had plenty of questions and doubts that I wrote about in permanent marker and then I painted over them. First noticing how the brush made strokes and the second noticing how the colors were layering. Then I painted beauty and love on top of it. You can’t see the love but neither can I. The difference is I know it is there 🙂
I don’t know about your church but mine sometimes forgets that there are two sides to the conversation. I mean they kind of remember but its hard to tell. This past week when they were picking songs to sing I think they forgot.
That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the songs today….I did. We sang one of my favorites “Your Love is Strong” by Jon Foreman
It is an awesome song but it is all about our side of the conversation. I needed to hear God’s voice. I needed to hear what he had to say. I felt a little lost today and needed to hear God. So I sat down and wrote out a conversation with God. I wrote my side and paused to think about what God would say to me as well as what he has already said to me.
I did this same exercise/prayer idea a couple of weeks ago when my back was killing me. God and I talked it out. I actually wrote it down in my sketch pad and then I drew over it. I did the same thing a few days later and painted over it. The second was full of my doubts but in the end it was covered in the words Love and Beauty (once I get some batteries for my camera I will post a picture of it). It was actually a great exercise.
So today in church I had a conversation with God. I am going to share it with you because I want to. As I had this conversation with God I felt it in my heart, in my soul, in my entire being. At the beginning I was crying and by the end I was filled with peace.
Lord I am tired. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m upset.
Why is my back still hurting? Is it true that these adult men abused me too? Is it true?
I believe in you. I want to believe that you love me. I want to believe that you will provide for me. I want to believe that you love me and are trustworthy.
I do believe.
I believe that you care. I believe that you wipe away my tears and that you count them.
I believe you have a plan. I believe that you know what you are doing here.
I’m not sure I can stand. I want to know. I need to know. So that I can heal that place. So that I can feel the pain of it and move on so that it becomes part of my past. Will you hold me when I cannot stand?
Will you be the person who takes care of me? The lover of my soul? Will you, God, be my boyfriend? Will you bring the intimacy I long for? Will you hold me, hug me, and love me as I try to figure out my past? As I delve into the dark places in my mind will you throw me the life-preserver?
Will you wipe away my tears as I learn the truth? Will you do that?
Will you show me what a husband is supposed to be like? Will you love me as I long to be loved?
Tammy. My child. YES!!! Yes! I will do all these things. I will!
I love you my child.
Thank you for asking me!
Thank you for reaching out and asking me!
I will happily wipe away your tears.
I do have a plan.
I want to do these things. I want to hold your hand. I want to hug you and love you and give you the intimacy you desire and deserve. I promise to speak truth into your heart. I promise to hold you up when you cannot stand.
I promise to sit with you as you cry and try to get a handle on your past.
I promise to sit with you in the pain.
I promise to help you. I promise to be better than you can imagine. I promise to heal you. I promise to love you. I promise to be strong and I promise to save you.
Lord. Thank you!
I promise to try to remember you are there.
I promise to try harder.
Tammy my sweet child.
Do what you can.
That’s all I ask.
Lord. Thank you!
Thank you for reminding me I am human.
I promise to show up and do what I can and to trust that you will take care of it.
It has been a week of ups and downs. Of harried work and laziness. I finished Sizzling Sixteen and it was awesome. Definitely a good one although I keep hoping Stephanie will pick a man to be in her life. Even if it is complete failure I would like to see what happens when she picks Ranger over Morelli or Morelli over Ranger.
I watched Letters to God and it was a tear-jerker, cheesy-barf-er, good movie. The cheesy moments in the middle made the movie bearable. Don’t get me wrong I loved it but I cried for over 2/3rds of the movie.
I also watched Date Night which was hilarious. It was laugh-out-loud funny. I don’t know if I would have to own it but I could watch it again.
I also watched all of Hot in Cleveland Netflix suggested it for me and I thought heck. Why not watch it :). It was actually really good which totally surprised me. You just have to get through the pilot. The pilot was really cheesy which surprised me because the rest of the season wasn’t that bad.
I also started to watch The Riches and Dirt as well as Brotherhood but all of these series left something to be desired. I couldn’t stop watching Trauma and Hot in Cleveland but these other series I could stop watching which told me I didn’t really want to be watching them and when you are on your Spring Break you should stick to watching things you actually want to see.
I have had some difficult moments this week despite the fun of reading novels and watching movies. Turns out even during Spring Break you can’t escape your life. Who knew? Haha
I took an inventory a few weeks ago about how far I have come so I thought I would share that here. I have shared it with a few people and they liked the imagery so I thought I would post it too.
Looking Back How Far Have You Come?
I have come to see that it wasn’t my fault
I may not be able to see it every hour of every day but I remember that it wasn’t my fault
I have come to see that actions I was made to do was abuse and not my fault
I have to be reminded because sometimes my heart has trouble believing it but my mind knows it
I have come to see that there is beauty inside me
I may see the dark and damaged pieces but I know that the flowers are there as well.
God opens my heart and allows me to see the beauty
I have become connected to my feelings not only in connection to the abuse but feelings in life in general
And that connection is not drowning me.
I am not drowning in the pain.
I have become connected to me.
There is beauty inside me.
I am growing a garden within my soul.
I have a desire to be touched not just sexually but also innocently
I have a desire to walk side-by-side people
I have been able to drop my anger to feel other things
I have been able to love and connect more clearly with others.
I have come a long way.
I am no longer that bruised, abused child
I am no longer being raped
I can see that God never left me
I can believe that he is there.
Even though it has been a week my head is still above water. I am drowning and I have come a long way.
I love Janet Evanovich. Her books are amazing! Early this morning I finished Finger Lickin’ Fifteen and tonight I started Sizzling Sixteen. The books are all about Stephanie Plum a bumbling bounty-hunter who has little skill but always seems to get her man. She has two men in her life who she is kind-of involved with. Joe Morelli is the first and in my opinion he should win her heart. Then there is Ranger, all bad boy and hardly any emotion but he does always come to Stephanie’s rescue.
They’re great books (1-15 so far) and they are super easy/fast read. I read Finger Lickin’ Fifteen in a total of seven hours. I definitely recommend Janet Evanovich’s books if you are looking for a great read that doesn’t require much thought.
Most people spend their spring break doing something different. Their ideas of different could include leaving the country, traveling to some place warm, doing something exciting etc. I’m not most people. For my spring break I plan on reading novels, sleeping in, and working. I have a part-time/on-call job that I must do some work for this week. But in the in-between times I plan on sleeping, reading, and watching anything fun. There will be absolutely NO reading ahead for class. Because that’s not a break from the norm.
So far I have read:
“Twilight: The Graphic Novel.” I thought it would be interesting, I thought it might be good. I was wrong. Its awful. I loved Twilight because of the writing and the word pictures that the author created in my head. This took all of that away and the art/drawings were hard to follow. Now granted it only took me an hour or so to read it, it still wasn’t worth that time. I am really glad I got the book from the library and didn’t bother buying it.
What I have watched so far:
“Brothers” Pretty good movie. Ending was a bit of a let down but it wasn’t too bad.
“Surrogates”: Wasn’t too bad. Not something I would have to own or watch again but it was a pretty good movie with lots of twists and turns.
“Trauma Season 1”: I actually really like this show. Of all the things I have watched or read so far it is my favorite.
That’s all I have been able to do since Friday. I am trying to remind myself that it is not a race. Trying to relax is much easier when you aren’t forcing yourself to relax.
Happy Spring Break :P)