Uncensored, unedited me!

Archive for February, 2011

Psalm 56 NTV

This morning I gave my final sermon for Preaching Practicum, my final sermon that will be given for a grade. In that sermon I gave my own version of Psalm 56. One of my fellow students suggested that I call it the NTV: New Tammy Version. It was a cute idea so I thought I would go with it.

During my sermon I discussed trust and how if we remember what God has done in the past we will remember that God is trustworthy.  I think the sermon went okay.  The most memorable part for other people was the Psalm.  So I thought I would post the Psalm so that others could read it too.

Psalm 56 Prayer NTV

Have pity on me, God, for my fear has captured me, and attacks me all day long

The naysayers in my life are pursuing me. They are trying to dissuade me from your dreams and passions

I’m afraid that the lies people tell me are true…but I trust you

I praise the God I trust and because of that I will not be afraid. I trust in you, God, you remove my fear. I know that no one can do anything to harm me because you, God, have my back

God these naysayers are getting louder by the day. They keep telling me that I will never make it and that I cannot do the work you have put before me

God I am so angry at the people in my life who try to dissuade me from your dreams for my life. Can you help me out with them? Can you help me to prove them wrong?

Lord do not let me forget this time so that when I look back I can say without a doubt that, ‘Ah yes, you God were here. You are trustworthy. You have helped me get through some rough times and I have an account to remember that.’

God you I praise, Lord your word is worthy of praise, you do not go back on it. I trust  you God and I will not be afraid.  No one can touch me when I trust you

God thank you so much for being there for me when I was certain my enemies would triumph.  Thank you for catching me when I fall and for allowing me to walk in your light.  Thank you for being trustworthy time and time again.

Amen

William Shakespeare said it. Does that make it okay to feel it?

”Don’t trust the person who has broken faith once.” William Shakespeare.

I found this and other things quoted here after on www.famous-quotes.com

I went to Google to find quotes about trust. This past week has been a roller coaster of emotion.  I have been up and I have been down. My downs have not gotten to the point that they were 6 years ago when I was in the deepest depression of my life but still they have been note worthy.  I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what has got me so upset. I have been trying to do it silently because even though I am an outward processor I also like to process things inwardly when I feel like outward processing could hurt other people or be more damaging than helpful.

I will continue to be vague about my week but let’s just say for the sake of trying to come off clear that actions precipitated by other people left me feeling rejected, uninvited, and alone this week.  The other people in question have constantly, through e-mail and some unfortunate face-to-face time, tried to convince me that they had my best interests at heart.  Now outside of this event I may have been willing to believe that.  So as I was sitting in church this morning trying desperately to leave my hurt feelings alone, because I was there to learn something and not to think more about this situation that I have been thinking about all week, I kept asking myself why am I so upset? I mean I look at these people who hurt me and even if I try to believe what they have told me I am still upset.  Am I upset by what they said, by the actions behind what they said or is it not so much what they said or the situation itself that has me upset but the feelings that I have about the situation? Most of that is double talk.  Yes I am upset with them. I think what has me upset with them, the part that is really about them, is the fact that their reasoning is a bit off for me.  Which is why we will talk about it tomorrow morning even though I know that they are itching to talk about it today.  (As one such person tried to get me to talk about things even though I asked them not to.)

Any who you can probably tell that I am still processing what I am feeling and what that means and how it directly relates to the people who precipitated me feeling this way.  I completely understand and believe that they are in no way responsible for what I am feeling. I am in no way responsible for what they are feeling.  Because no one can make you feel anything.  Truth is that I am a whole person, who has lived a whole life and like it or not, and my past dictates how I relate to situations no matter how hard I try to change that.  We can fully heal from the past but it will always be part of our past.  We can work hard at making it not part of our future but it is still part of our past.

So I’m in a funk.  And what is one way I get out of that funk, I blog about it. So I am blogging in the generals and hoping that it will help me with the specifics.  For now, I would like to set the people who hurt me aside so that I can deal with the actual hurt.  Being mad at them isn’t going to help me see why I reacted this way or why I am feeling what I am feeling. It might help me sit in a room with them but it won’t help me in the long run.  So let’s put them aside and focus on what I was feeling this past week.

When I got the news this week of rejection, I felt rejected. I felt like a little bug on the windshield that gets wiped off. I felt like nothing.  It’s odd how rejection can do that to you. I mean one moment you’re walking along thinking everything is going fine and then bam hit with a bus.  Your life changes. I am no longer the confident woman who knows where she is going in life and has a direct route to get there. Life is different now.  It’s not over in the sense that I am not dying but it is not what I thought it was going to be.  It reminds of a scene from Love Actually where the wife learns that her husband has cheated on her. She says something to the effect, “Would you go on, pretending everything is the same, but knowing that life has been cheapened. That life will always be a bit harder.” Now my situation is hardly the same as a husband cheating on a wife.  But I feel rejected like she did. When confronted with this situation I could have done what I have always done, which consists of finishing out my duties, pissed off as all get out, and then leaving. But I chose a different route. I chose to continue in this hard situation because I don’t want to leave these people, this place I call home.

But home has changed. Home isn’t what it used to be. Home has been cheapened and I feel like I have been uninvited to stay there. Like the people I love have kicked me to the curb. And it sucks! Its like when someone invites you to do something and then says, “Nah, I don’t want you to come.” Or “You shouldn’t come.” Its like rejection on loud-speaker. Life is different. Its been changed and cheapened in a sense. I no longer feel welcome to sit at the table because I have been told no one wants to hear what I have to say.

When you have been uninvited to your home  you feel alone. I feel alone. Like I’m on the island but no one can hear what I am saying. Like I went to the party but no one bothered to say hello. Like the only single person at a party filled with couples. (That last one I actually experienced last night). I feel alone. And it sucks! I mean when things have happened in the past year or so and I have needed people I could just go to them and tell them I needed then and feel enveloped and loved and no longer alone.  But I have been uninvited to the party. There is no one to process with.  I am alone.

Now before I get to the whole Shakespeare quote I feel like I need to let you in on what happened the rest of my week.  So Monday I got this news and immediately felt alone, uninvited and rejected.  But add to that what happened the rest of the week and you can understand why I am in such a funk.  So the creditors are hounding me because I refuse to send them more than $40 a month because that is what I can afford.  When they do this I feel inadequate.  Then my therapist has been having me do writing assignments in where I do my best to remember what happened to me as a kid.  And in those moments of trying to remember I feel violated, unsafe, and alone. 

So the sum total of my emotions this week included: inadequate, violated, unsafe, alone x 2, rejected, and uninvited. Add to that a complete and total lack of trust and you have got one hellish week. The people who precipitated the last three lost my trust, my abuser as a kid walked all over my trust, and creditors just suck. So the situation that happened this week was heightened by everything else going on in my week. I was looking at my abuse as a kid and almost comparing it to the current situation just to see if anything matched up. 

Unsafe check, alone check, violated not so much.  I mean there was a violation of trust but really they just lost my trust. I mean I just look at them differently.  They went back on their word which made them lose my trust.  Maybe they think I should be over this by now and I have lost their trust as well. As I was sitting in church this morning doing my best to soak in as much as I could I kept reminding myself that I am only responsible for my feelings. I cannot be responsible for their feelings. If their feelings are hurt we can discuss it tomorrow but today I need to worry about my feelings and how I can get over them.

Seriously all week/weekend I have been trying to get over these feelings. I have at least moved beyond anger to real feelings and that is progress which I will congratulate myself on later. Right now I am just focusing on how to get over what I am feeling.  Tomorrow I will hear their side and I am hoping that they will be able to hear my side as well. I want to be heard and not just do all the hearing which is why I need to hone in what I am feeling and figure out a way to articulate it so that they do not feel like I am attacking them. Even though I am not responsible for what they are feeling I truly hope that they are not feeling attacked. I am not looking to attack them but instead to really hear them.

One of them asked to speak to me in person outside of the other and I shut that down immediately because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I was going behind their back or to feel out of the loop. But I strongly feel like this person thought I was trying to dismiss them. But alas I am not responsible for how they are feeling I am only responsible for my own feelings.

So I have issues of trust which is what this whole post was going to be about but alas I have been long-winded. Shakespeare said “Don’t trust the person who has broken faith once.” That’s me to a tee. I have only once in my life (outside of necessary relationships i.e. family) trusted someone again who has lost my trust. When trust is gone nothing is left. Which is most likely why I am still so upset. Trust is gone now what? The answer is I have no clue so instead of writing trite answers that I may or may not believe I will just leave you with a few more quotes that sounded kind of good.

“Love all, but trust a few”–William Shakespeare

“It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody”–English Proverb

“Build a little fence of trust around today; Fill the space with loving deeds, And therin stay. Look not through sheltering bars Upon tomorrow; God will help thee bear what comes of joy and sorrow”–Mary F. Butts

“The highest compact we can make with our fellow is –‘Let there be truth between us two forevermore.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson

‘Trust one who has tried.”–Virgil

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