Uncensored, unedited me!

Have you ever heard of the song “I am a Promise”? My mom used to teach us this song in Youth Club.  For some reason today I have that song stuck in my head.

I have been going through some stuff lately and most of it is related to my self-doubt. I am so close to finishing my degree and I am scared to death of actually finishing it.  Because I might actually have to become somebody and what if that somebody isn’t enough? But who gets to decide if we are ever enough?

Is it society? If that’s the case I’m pretty much screwed. I will never own a house and at this rate I may never get married and have kids.

Is it the church? Again I am totally screwed. I cuss, I don’t pretend to be something I am not and sometimes I find it easier to leave God behind than follow him.

Is it my family? Totally and utterly screwed! Sure they love me but my life’s work is going to be about airing my dirty laundry and my little sister has already told me that that is unacceptable.

Is it me? Could not get any more screwed! I am my worst critic! I think I suck on so many levels…that I am actually drowning in my own suckyness or filth as it were.

My friends? Now that might be okay. Some of them actual have high praise for me.

God? That one is harder. My sinful mind says I am screwed. But then I am reminded that maybe that is just my screwed up mind. Maybe God isn’t as hard on me as I am on myself. Does God care when I bounce a check? I care. I hate it. I punish myself for weeks after it is done.

So am I a promise?

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital “P”
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin’ to hear God’s voice
And I am tryin’ to make the right choice
I am a promise to be anything God wants me to be.

I can go anywhere that He wants me to go
I can be anything He wants me to be
I can climb the high mountains
I can cross the wide sea
I’m a great big promise you see!

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital “P”
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin’ to hear God’s voice
And I am tryin’ to make the right choice
I’m a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!
Lyrics found on http://www.biblestudycharts.com/CH_I_Am_A_Promise.html

 

Do I have potentiality? Or have I used it all up?

I am so scared of my own future/reality. What if I screw it all up?

 I was at an Oasis staff meeting tonight. And we were spending some time in worship/prayer like we always do and these are a few of the things I wrote down:

An inner turmoil abounds

Fear of drowning again

What if I take the wrong road?

Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, Because I am prone to wander

Insecurity turned into glory

 

What if I make the wrong choice? I truly believe that God is bigger than me and that if I make the wrong choice he can correct it. But wouldn’t it be easier on me if I just make the right choice out of the gate?

Am I strong enough to make it through if I make the wrong choice? Would making the wrong choice destroy me?

Can I go anywhere God wants me to be? I want to say absolutely but what if God asked me to stay in Los Angeles? I mean I love it here but it is so expensive…although I am pretty sure I would be broke anywhere. What if God wants me to go to Kansas? I mean I like some of the people there but Kansas is suburb city and I cannot stand the suburbs.

I am scared to death of my future, of failure. The possibility of multiple failures completely and utterly freaks me out!

 

I am meeting with some awesome friends this weekend to pray for the next step in my life and I am just hoping that I can hold on that long. I feel so lost right now. I just need to hold on for another day. I think I can do that 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: