I have had a rough time of it lately. I have been passing a kidney stone for a couple weeks which, if you have ever done it, really sucks.
I was hanging out with my friend Laura last Sunday and I was talking about how I know the end goal that God has shown me but I don’t know what the next step is. She suggested that I talk to one of the career counselors on campus. I actually took this advice to heart and met with the guy and he was completely discouraging. He basically said that there was no way for me to do what I want to do. He said that I should get ordained and do Women’s ministries inside the church. He said that was the only way I could do what I want to do. This saddened me to my very core. Ever since I understood what God was calling me to do I felt excited. I felt this drive to make it happen. And in the 15 minutes that I met with this guy he completely crushed me. He crushed my drive. He crushed my excitement. He had no clue what I was talking about or what the next step might be to making my dreams come true. I was completely and utterly crushed.
Then this morning I went to church and my crush showed up with his ex and they are clearly no longer x’s. I was completely crushed. And most of that had absolutely nothing to do with the guy. I mean he is a great guy and as his friend I want him to be happy in any relationship he chooses and he has chosen this one. Which kind of sucks but that isn’t what has me so upset. What has me so upset is that I am angry. I am at the end of my rope when it comes to romantic relationships. I romanticize things. I was reading my journal from my college days and every horrible relationship in there had the horrible in the background and the fantasy in the foreground. The guy in college that sexually assaulted me, manipulated me, and used my romanticism to basically make me do anything he wanted could do these things because I thought he loved me. What the hell???? How could he do that to me? How could I let him do that to me?
Today I am not asking about the romanticism that I do. I mean that is just my deal. I have no clue why I do it but it must feed some sort of need and when I meet with my therapist this week we will have much to talk about. I want to stop it so that when my next crush happens I don’t berate myself for the mistakes I made. I want to stop my romanticism so that when this happens again I will get to the “I want him to be happy” place much faster. Because truth is I want him to be happy. I ALSO WANT TO BE HAPPY
That’s the part that has me most upset today. My friends have affirmed me and said that God will bring someone into my life eventually. And most other days I would believe them but today I am having a hard time believing it. Does God have someone out there for me? I mean I stood next to my crush and his girlfriend today (which completely proves to me that he had no clue how I felt because he is not a cruel man) in worship. I stood next to them and asked God to remove my desire to be in relationship if it was never going to happen. I just can’t keep having these disappointments. I am sure there is some lesson to learn from all of this and I am sure later this week or this month when I realize what that is I will be grateful for another lesson learned but right now this just SUCKS!!!!
Does God have someone for me? Or should he just remove that desire from my heart? What need do I have that I think could be met by being in relationship?