Uncensored, unedited me!

My friend Stacey sent me a CD today (well I recieved it today) and that simple act opened me up to feelings that I didn’t realize I was feeling.

I have been sick for a full week at least now. I have a kidney infection and I am passing a kidney stone.  The meds aren’t really helping and I don’t feel real awesome yet. When I lay down for a real long time I feel good for an hour or so but sitting or driving in a car or movement of any kind really just wipes me out.

I did not realize how frustrated I was until I was thinking about what I was going to write as a thank you on Stacey’s wall. I was writing about how I loved the first three songs on the CD, “A Little Too Much,” “All I need,” and “Strip Me” all from Natasha Bedingfield’s CD Strip Me.  These first three songs are great (as well as the rest of the CD) because of the message and the beat.  The words really spoke to me.

I am really frustrated that I am not feeling well yet. Sitting here I am really nauseous which happens pretty much anytime I am sitting up for longer than 10 minutes. Also it feels like my brain cannot focus on a single task.  Which is so annoying. It’s like I am trying to focus on reading something but instead of being able to my mind is cluttered and not with information but with white noise. It’s kind of like when you take a decongestant and you feel like your head weighs a ton but this is more like a clouding of thought. It is this that reminds me that I am sick.

I am in pain most of the time unless I take the drugs that make me high/drunk and unable to focus.  It is frustrating that I am not feeling better yet.  Last week when I was getting a diagnosis and telling people about it my dad sent me a text, “I am glad that you got a diagnosis; I am just sorry it turned out to be these issues again.” I had just sent him a text letting him know what the doctor had said.  After reading that text I remember I wanted to cry but I didn’t allow myself to do it.  If you know anything about me you know that I hate to cry. If I feel myself ready to cry in public I push it back by either biting my lip or thinking of other things. Sometimes I think that if I cry I won’t be able to stop.

6 years ago I was in a really deep depression and I was not able to get free of it until a few years ago. I know now that depression happens because you don’t allow yourself to feel but I still don’t allow myself to cry.  Even if I am by myself I won’t let myself cry.

I was sad in that parking lot because I was having the same problems again. It wasn’t something simple and the doctor had/has no clue how to treat me.  It is frustrating to deal with that. To have a doctor who doesn’t know what he is doing is frustrating. I know doctors learn with practice but can’t they practice on someone else?

Anyway right now I am frustrated because the meds don’t seem to be working and I haven’t passed the stone yet. Its annoying. I just want to be one of those people that never have to see a doctor or who have no idea what it is like to pee in front of other people while they take x-rays. Or someone who doesn’t know what it is like to have surgery or who has never been admitted to the hospital. Someone who has no idea which arm is better to take blood and how to hold their breath when getting a CT.

But I am the person I am and getting upset that I am not someone else is pointless. I am who I am. I am sometimes sick and when I get sick I get really sick. It just happens. There is nothing I can do and the things I can do I am already doing them. This is my life. I cannot wait until I feel 100% again and this sickness is just a distant memory.  I do worry that I might have to go to the hosiptal but hopefully that won’t happen this time.

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