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Archive for January, 2011

I am a promise with a capital P

Have you ever heard of the song “I am a Promise”? My mom used to teach us this song in Youth Club.  For some reason today I have that song stuck in my head.

I have been going through some stuff lately and most of it is related to my self-doubt. I am so close to finishing my degree and I am scared to death of actually finishing it.  Because I might actually have to become somebody and what if that somebody isn’t enough? But who gets to decide if we are ever enough?

Is it society? If that’s the case I’m pretty much screwed. I will never own a house and at this rate I may never get married and have kids.

Is it the church? Again I am totally screwed. I cuss, I don’t pretend to be something I am not and sometimes I find it easier to leave God behind than follow him.

Is it my family? Totally and utterly screwed! Sure they love me but my life’s work is going to be about airing my dirty laundry and my little sister has already told me that that is unacceptable.

Is it me? Could not get any more screwed! I am my worst critic! I think I suck on so many levels…that I am actually drowning in my own suckyness or filth as it were.

My friends? Now that might be okay. Some of them actual have high praise for me.

God? That one is harder. My sinful mind says I am screwed. But then I am reminded that maybe that is just my screwed up mind. Maybe God isn’t as hard on me as I am on myself. Does God care when I bounce a check? I care. I hate it. I punish myself for weeks after it is done.

So am I a promise?

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital “P”
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin’ to hear God’s voice
And I am tryin’ to make the right choice
I am a promise to be anything God wants me to be.

I can go anywhere that He wants me to go
I can be anything He wants me to be
I can climb the high mountains
I can cross the wide sea
I’m a great big promise you see!

I am a promise
I am a possibility
I am a promise with a capital “P”
I am a great big bundle of potentiality
And I am learnin’ to hear God’s voice
And I am tryin’ to make the right choice
I’m a promise to be anything God wants me to be
Anything God wants me to be!
Lyrics found on http://www.biblestudycharts.com/CH_I_Am_A_Promise.html

 

Do I have potentiality? Or have I used it all up?

I am so scared of my own future/reality. What if I screw it all up?

 I was at an Oasis staff meeting tonight. And we were spending some time in worship/prayer like we always do and these are a few of the things I wrote down:

An inner turmoil abounds

Fear of drowning again

What if I take the wrong road?

Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, Because I am prone to wander

Insecurity turned into glory

 

What if I make the wrong choice? I truly believe that God is bigger than me and that if I make the wrong choice he can correct it. But wouldn’t it be easier on me if I just make the right choice out of the gate?

Am I strong enough to make it through if I make the wrong choice? Would making the wrong choice destroy me?

Can I go anywhere God wants me to be? I want to say absolutely but what if God asked me to stay in Los Angeles? I mean I love it here but it is so expensive…although I am pretty sure I would be broke anywhere. What if God wants me to go to Kansas? I mean I like some of the people there but Kansas is suburb city and I cannot stand the suburbs.

I am scared to death of my future, of failure. The possibility of multiple failures completely and utterly freaks me out!

 

I am meeting with some awesome friends this weekend to pray for the next step in my life and I am just hoping that I can hold on that long. I feel so lost right now. I just need to hold on for another day. I think I can do that 🙂

Disappointments and Discouragments

I have had a rough time of it lately. I have been passing a kidney stone for a couple weeks which, if you have ever done it, really sucks.

I was hanging out with my friend Laura last Sunday and I was talking about how I know the end goal that God has shown me but I don’t know what the next step is.  She suggested that I talk to one of the career counselors on campus. I actually took this advice to heart and met with the guy and he was completely discouraging. He basically said that there was no way for me to do what I want to do. He said that I should get ordained and do Women’s ministries inside the church. He said that was the only way I could do what I want to do.  This saddened me to my very core. Ever since I understood what God was calling me to do I felt excited. I felt this drive to make it happen.  And in the 15 minutes that I met with this guy he completely crushed me. He crushed my drive. He crushed my excitement. He had no clue what I was talking about or what the next step might be to making my dreams come true. I was completely and utterly crushed.

Then this morning I went to church and my crush showed up with his ex and they are clearly no longer x’s. I was completely crushed. And most of that had absolutely nothing to do with the guy.  I mean he is a great guy and as his friend I want him to be happy in any relationship he chooses and he has chosen this one.  Which kind of sucks but that isn’t what has me so upset. What has me so upset is that I am angry. I am at the end of my rope when it comes to romantic relationships.  I romanticize things. I was reading my journal from my college days and every horrible relationship in there had the horrible in the background and the fantasy in the foreground.  The guy in college that sexually assaulted me, manipulated me, and used my romanticism to basically make me do anything he wanted could do these things because I thought he loved me.  What the hell???? How could he do that to me? How could I let him do that to me?

Today I am not asking about the romanticism that I do. I mean that is just my deal. I have no clue why I do it but it must feed some sort of need and when I meet with my therapist this week we will have much to talk about.  I want to stop it so that when my next crush happens I don’t berate myself for the mistakes I made.  I want to stop my romanticism so that when this happens again I will get to the “I want him to be happy” place much faster.  Because truth is I want him to be happy. I ALSO WANT TO BE HAPPY

That’s the part that has me most upset today.  My friends have affirmed me and said that God will bring someone into my life eventually.  And most other days I would believe them but today I am having a hard time believing it.  Does God have someone out there for me? I mean I stood next to my crush and his girlfriend today (which completely proves to me that he had no clue how I felt because he is not a cruel man) in worship. I stood next to them and asked God to remove my desire to be in relationship if it was never going to happen. I just can’t keep having these disappointments. I am sure there is some lesson to learn from all of this and I am sure later this week or this month when I realize what that is I will be grateful for another lesson learned but right now this just SUCKS!!!!

Does God have someone for me? Or should he just remove that desire from my heart? What need do I have that I think could be met by being in relationship?

A Friend’s Kindness Can Open You Up

My friend Stacey sent me a CD today (well I recieved it today) and that simple act opened me up to feelings that I didn’t realize I was feeling.

I have been sick for a full week at least now. I have a kidney infection and I am passing a kidney stone.  The meds aren’t really helping and I don’t feel real awesome yet. When I lay down for a real long time I feel good for an hour or so but sitting or driving in a car or movement of any kind really just wipes me out.

I did not realize how frustrated I was until I was thinking about what I was going to write as a thank you on Stacey’s wall. I was writing about how I loved the first three songs on the CD, “A Little Too Much,” “All I need,” and “Strip Me” all from Natasha Bedingfield’s CD Strip Me.  These first three songs are great (as well as the rest of the CD) because of the message and the beat.  The words really spoke to me.

I am really frustrated that I am not feeling well yet. Sitting here I am really nauseous which happens pretty much anytime I am sitting up for longer than 10 minutes. Also it feels like my brain cannot focus on a single task.  Which is so annoying. It’s like I am trying to focus on reading something but instead of being able to my mind is cluttered and not with information but with white noise. It’s kind of like when you take a decongestant and you feel like your head weighs a ton but this is more like a clouding of thought. It is this that reminds me that I am sick.

I am in pain most of the time unless I take the drugs that make me high/drunk and unable to focus.  It is frustrating that I am not feeling better yet.  Last week when I was getting a diagnosis and telling people about it my dad sent me a text, “I am glad that you got a diagnosis; I am just sorry it turned out to be these issues again.” I had just sent him a text letting him know what the doctor had said.  After reading that text I remember I wanted to cry but I didn’t allow myself to do it.  If you know anything about me you know that I hate to cry. If I feel myself ready to cry in public I push it back by either biting my lip or thinking of other things. Sometimes I think that if I cry I won’t be able to stop.

6 years ago I was in a really deep depression and I was not able to get free of it until a few years ago. I know now that depression happens because you don’t allow yourself to feel but I still don’t allow myself to cry.  Even if I am by myself I won’t let myself cry.

I was sad in that parking lot because I was having the same problems again. It wasn’t something simple and the doctor had/has no clue how to treat me.  It is frustrating to deal with that. To have a doctor who doesn’t know what he is doing is frustrating. I know doctors learn with practice but can’t they practice on someone else?

Anyway right now I am frustrated because the meds don’t seem to be working and I haven’t passed the stone yet. Its annoying. I just want to be one of those people that never have to see a doctor or who have no idea what it is like to pee in front of other people while they take x-rays. Or someone who doesn’t know what it is like to have surgery or who has never been admitted to the hospital. Someone who has no idea which arm is better to take blood and how to hold their breath when getting a CT.

But I am the person I am and getting upset that I am not someone else is pointless. I am who I am. I am sometimes sick and when I get sick I get really sick. It just happens. There is nothing I can do and the things I can do I am already doing them. This is my life. I cannot wait until I feel 100% again and this sickness is just a distant memory.  I do worry that I might have to go to the hosiptal but hopefully that won’t happen this time.

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