Uncensored, unedited me!

I’ll protect your heart and you’ll protect mine. I was sitting here awake at 6:30 am and wondering why am I awake? It could be the mounting Christmas present projects but I kind of doubt that.  I’m guessing it was the fun but vague encounter with my crush last night. If you want to know more e-mail me and I will let you know :).

I am of course doing the analyzing thing because that’s what we girls do.  We look at an innocuous situation and turn it into something. We analyze what he said, what I said, and we ask questions. What did that mean? Did it mean anything? Should I do something about it? What if I do something and he rejects me? What if I don’t and I miss out on something great? And so on and so forth. 

In general both guys and girls are very vague when it comes to signals that we like each other.  For me, I don’t in general hug single men unless I like them.  I am very intentional with my touch. If I touch a dude I and he’s single I like him.  It’s that simple. If you see me touch a married dude I’m not hitting on him but in my mind this makes him safe in the touch department. In other words I can get a touch need met by hugging a dude (guy) that is married because I know he doesn’t think I “like-like” him and I don’t think that he “like-like’s” me.  If I touch the arm or knee or back of a guy that is not married that means I like him.  Its subtle and you have to be watching for it.  But for me that feels like a really safe way to let a guy know I’m interested in him.  But it is also really vague. I know what I do with touch but the guy I like would have to be paying attention to know that. I also tend to smile more at the guy I like and I look him in the eye. These are just a few of the things I do that are really subtle to let a guy know I like him without throwing myself at his feet and kissing the ground he walks on. 

Why don’t we just come on out and say it? Why don’t we just say, “I like you”? I think the answer to this is simple: We are all afraid of rejection.  I’m afraid he will reject me and it will get weird. He’s afraid I’ll reject him and it will get weird (I”m guessing, I have no crystal ball into the male psyche).

Anyway all that to say that that is probably why I am up this early (and I am hoping by writing this so early this morning I might be able to get back to sleep soon). 

So what does “I’ll protect your heart and you’ll protect mine” mean? What could it mean for dating relationships? It seems like (from my end) that most relationships (dating relationships) out there are about getting your needs met.  I’m lonely so I jump into relationship. This is not how I live out relationships but it is how I often get hurt in them.

I often put myself out there (at least in the past) and I give for the other person. I like to meet other people’s needs in relationship and do my best to protect them.  To keep their heart safe. But who is keeping my heart safe?

I was thinking about my crush this morning (and let’s face it if he reads this he probably already knows I am talking about him but oh well sometimes you just have to say what you mean and damn the consequences) and how he might have a heart that needs protecting right now.  He recently got out of a pretty serious relationship so he might not even be ready to date.  Could I wait for him to be ready? I can, could, would. But could I wait in this limbo without knowing if he really likes me? I could but that wouldn’t me fun for me.  So what if (and it probably won’t happen right now because I am leaving for Kansas on Wednesday) we mentioned to each other that we liked each other but that we wanted to take things über slow and protect each other’s hearts?

I would protect his heart by letting him have this grieving time and letting him say goodbye to a long-lasting relationship and he would protect my heart by being intentional with the way we interact until he is ready.  Once in relationship we could continue to protect each other’s hearts by being intentional and clear and by thinking about what actions might mean to each other.  In other words we would drop the vague and really be there for each other.

I would speak truth into his life and he would speak truth into mine.  I was talking with my roommate last night and we were discussing this vagueness at the beginning of relationships.  I am not this vague with my friends. If I have a friend I want to spend time with I mention it and we spend time together. We were also discussing that romantic relationships bring an intimacy that other relationships don’t have.  It is because of this intimacy that we need to be more careful with one another.

“Be careful with me I’m sensitive” should be our labels. We should each protect each other’s hearts. Even if nothing happens with this crush of mine and he becomes another really good guy friend that’s okay. I mean I will grieve what never was but he would make a great guy friend.  But I think he would make an even greater boyfriend. But nonetheless I will survive.  I think this idea of “I’ll protect your heart and you’ll protect mine” will continue.  In every relationship where we are vulnerable to hurt and pain we should each be willing to protect each other’s hearts and hold them dear. In some ways we are already doing this but what if we made it more intentional? Maybe then we could drop the vague and pick up the intentional.

Okay I’m off my soapbox maybe now I can get some sleep 🙂

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