Its been a while since I have written. A lot has been happening in my life and the lives around me.
1. I got a job. I am now working for the Fuller Writing Center http://www.fullerwritingcenter.wordpress.com I am an on-call editor. So I read and edit people’s papers. It actually takes me back to my teaching days. When I sit in front of my computer and read someone else’s words I actually try to make changes and give instruction so that I am not only correcting their mistakes but that I am also giving them tools to be better writers. In essence I am teaching them without having to prepare a lesson plan, or give grades, or assign homework, or meet with parents.
2. I have been working on remembering. Most of my life I have chosen not to remember so I am, for 5 minutes a day trying to remember. I am working on remembering both the good and the bad things in my life. Particularly my childhood. I have been pushing those memories away so hard that my hands are starting to hurt.
I have been speaking with my therapist about trying to remember for a year or so now. She has been pushing me or gently guiding me but wanting me to go further. She asked me this week why I am so against remembering and I told her that after the rape I was so depressed. I was taking maximum doses of depression meds. I said I never want to feel like that again. She said I wasn’t really feeling then. Depression happens when you don’t allow yourself to feel. I am so worried that I won’t be able to hold the weight of it all. But then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine, Becky. We were talking about her son, who is a few months old and already 20 lbs. I said something to the effect that she must be really strong. She said that babies grow gradually and as they grow you build muscles. God and I have together been building my muscles to hold the weight of my memories. It is now time for me to try to remember.
So for the next few months I will be remembering for 5 minutes per day (so it doesn’t get too overwhelming) the good and the bad. Because I might finally be ready to remember and I might be strong enough to hold them without falling apart.
3. I am opening my heart. Earlier today I sat with my supervisor Gwen and we discussed a specific lie I believed about myself for so long. That I am untrustworthy. As we asked God to remove it and to replace it with truth. I got this picture (because God often gives me pictures) of God opening my heart to allow me to see the good inside. Last year (or maybe longer) one of my good friend’s Laura was praying for me and got a picture of God holding my heart in a bag for me. It wasn’t as damaged as I pictured it but it was instead being held for me because I could not hold it. Now God has taken my heart out of the bag and is showing me the goodness inside of it. As I learn more about the good person I am I can see the good that lives inside me.
4. I am seeking truth in my life. I mentioned a few seconds ago that I met with my supervisor and she prayed for me. While she was praying for me God planted in me a tree. A tree of truth. Each new leaf that grows on my maple leaf tree is a leaf of truth. Today the leaf that grew is red and contains the words “You are Trustworthy.”
5. My friend Laura, who I mentioned above, is getting married. She got engaged last month and this month we went dress shopping. It was so much fun. She seems utterly happy and ready to be married and I am very happy for her. As I journey through my healing I pray for the day I will be ready for marriage. I pray for the day I will be ready to date again.
6. I joined another dating site. But this one I really like. It is completely free (www.okcupid.com) and it is a lot of fun. I think I am ready to start dating I just have met anyone worth meeting/dating yet. Well that’s not true I have a crush or two in my real life but I want to be pursued. Even on this online dating thing I want to be pursued. I don’t want the guy that wants my number after reading my profile or looking at my picture but instead I want the guy that wants to say hello through an e-mail and wants to woo me into meeting him. I want the guy I like in my real life to ask me out. To notice the smile that is just for him and to notice that look that lingers a little longer than normal. I want him to notice me as I notice him and to ask me out. I want to be pursued and if that means waiting a little while longer to go on a date then I am willing to wait.
I’ve grown so much over the past few months and years. I have learned that I like listening to people and leading the group I am leading at church. I like meeting one-on-one and giving girls rides home after the meeting so that I can be a service to someone else. I like using the gifts God has given me. I like praying in church for real needs and speaking in church. I like giving my testimony or giving a sermon in front of people. I have a gift for public speaking and I want to use it.
I am growing like my tree of truth and God is continuing to form the beautiful person I am.