I had an epiphany last night and this morning that wouldn’t formulate so I thought I would try blogging about it.
It had to do with dating and how God has been getting me ready for it. I was really thinking about how long it has been since I have had a date. 7 years is a long time to go without a date! So why have I been dateless? Maybe I wasn’t ready to date. Maybe God still had other calisthenics he wanted me to do before I would be ready to date. I still needed to lift weights or run more miles or walk longer distances or do more jazzercise :). All of these things were getting me ready for the person I am supposed to be with.
Now all of you know I have a crush on a guy, a specific, particular guy and even though I am hundreds of miles away from him for the next 14 days I can’t get him out of my head. He has been in a serious relationship for quite some time and if I was to date him I would need to give him ample time to get over his last girlfriend. So I was thinking about him and thinking about these past 7 years and wondering what is going on. Not that God has spoken and said “He is Yours” or anything like that but he did give me a message in this form of epiphany and I know it means something. So right here and now I will try to formulate it so that it makes some sense to me if no one else.
Perhaps God has been building me up for a particular person, a particular relationship these past 7 years. Perhaps God has chosen a specific person for me and he knew I wasn’t ready yet so he benched me. He told me to stay there and learn, watch the game and make some serious decisions about myself and my life and when I was ready he would put me in the game. There were times when I was itching to get off the bench and would have lost the game if God put me in. It’s like that song “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play” but God knew I wasn’t ready (not that I’m sure I am ready right now but I can feel that God is getting ready to put me in the game). It’s a different feeling when God knows your ready. When I thought I was ready it was an anxiety that was leading me on. An anxiety that made me want to get in the game because I was afraid I would never get off the bench. When God is ready to put me in the game the anxiety will be different. I will look back at God as I get in the game to ask him if he is sure because even though I know I have the tools and I am actually ready I am scared that I will lose the game.
Maybe I took the game reference too far. Maybe I stretched it a bit. But you get the idea. If I date too soon I might get hurt. But if I date when God is ready for me to date I might find something real and that might be just as scary as finding something hurtful and unreal. I feel in my heart that God is getting ready to put me back in the dating game. That he is getting ready to show me that I am ready. That the lifting weights were the figuring out what I like to do without a man telling me what he likes to do. The running a mile was the opening of my heart. The walking long distances was the character building where God destroyed the lies and allowed me to see the tree of truth. All the calisthenics we were doing together were building me up and getting me ready to date again.
Now imagine that God was doing the same thing with someone else. Only maybe they were in a relationship, or dating frequently or maybe they weren’t dating at all either. Maybe God has been doing the same work with the person he has chosen for me. Maybe he handpicked a guy that would hold my heart and speak truth into my life. A guy that would look passed my so-called “damages” and see the real, beautiful, trustworthy me. Maybe God has been doing the same work in someone else and perhaps soon God will bring that person into my life. When I am truly ready to be there for someone else without losing myself. When I am truly ready to let someone else hold my heart. When I am truly ready not to run in the opposite direction of commitment but ready to run open armed into it. When I am ready and he is too. Maybe God is doing this work with my crush right now or maybe God is preparing him for someone else. Either way I’m pretty excited for the continued work God is doing in both of us whether or not we will be together. Soon God will put me back in the game and the person he has chosen for me will get back in the game as well.
I feel the butterflies of excitement and the anxiety of finding something and someone real. But I think I might be ready to go back in the game “soon.” And “soon” I will be ready for the person God has been preparing for me. ISN’T THAT EXCITING!!! I’m excited 🙂