So yesterday I moved all my stuff into the new place. I am exhausted and out of steam and upset and emotionally drained. There is so much change happening that I am headed for a breakdown and fast.
So today is Sunday. Wednesday I had a party at my old place and Thursday and Friday I packed. Friday night after I packed, had dinner with my aunt Cindy and Rebecca (my sister) and her boyfriend Jeff I cried in my apartment. I was weeping in my closet because I was so sad. While I was in there I crying (and then crying in my bed) I kept asking myself why I was crying. I mean its not like I was leaving people. I will still hangout with all those people it will just take more effort on my part to get together and hangout. I also took all my stuff with me when I moved. So why was I so sad and why am I still so sad?
My guess is change. I mean I can take change in very small doses. But so much change is happening over the next couple of weeks and I don’t know if I can take it. I mean I know I can but I don’t know if I will be able to deal with all of it. My best friend/sister in heart is leaving California next week and I feel like my own heart is being ripped from my chest. She is my soul sister. She has been my rock and my family. I have learned so much from her and have enjoyed building a relationship with her and the fact that she is leaving really sucks!!! If I could underline sucks about 10 times it would not cover how much it sucks.
My guess would be that I will miss the place that I have called home for the past 3 years. And I will miss living alone. But I think most of my crying has to do with changes coming.
One thought I had last week when I was looking around my apartment not wanting to leave was that I might become a different person when I leave. I know that’s not true. I did not become the person I am now because of that place that I lived in and my personhood does not rest in that place but still it sucks to leave the home I made there. I never thought I could become so attached to a place I lived. I mean I was a little attached to my room at my parents’ house but I get to visit that room (that hasn’t changed much except for the fact that it is now empty) every Christmas. I was never attached to the places I lived in undergrad because they were so temporary.
I thought maybe I was really upset to leave the community but like I said I still have that community. It hasn’t left and they still welcome me to events so that is not a problem. I am just having a hard time. I made a home there and I am just hoping that I can make a home here as well. I think it is possible. I mean I am looking around my room here at the new place and I am thinking that won’t be a problem. All the things I love are here and all the knickknacks that have made my place feel home are here. I can’t pinpoint what made my old place a home. I think it wasn’t the stuff in the rooms but something else. I hope this place will soon feel like home.