Uncensored, unedited me!

Archive for September, 2010

Searching for a job grrrrr

Okay so I have been unemployed for about 2 months and have been searching for something since then. When people ask me what kind of job I am looking for I always say anything.  But honestly that isn’t really true. I want a job I won’t dread going to. I want a job where I feel safe. I want a job that can either be fun (writing, being creative, etc) or is in some way pastoral.

What do I mean by pastoral? I mean caring for people. For instance, if I worked in an office I would only want to work in an area where I could help people. Customer service might be really good because I could care for people when they are most vulnerable and needed the most help. As I finish up my degree at Fuller I am awed by how much just helping people is pastoral.

Right now I am looking for freelance writing jobs because that can be done at any time. For the most part my hours at school and church are pretty regular but they are pretty much in the middle of any work week. My classes on most days are from 1-3 which is the end of most working times (education wise) and some are from 11-1 and another is from 8-10. So when am I supposed to work? A freelance writing job would allow me to write from home on my own time. Some of the jobs I have found sound pretty interesting and if I found one that pays pretty well then depending on how much I write a week I could pay my bills with that money and use my loan money to pay for my rent.

Now I just need to find some job that will allow me to do what I want to do and will pay me for it. Is there such a job out there?

Bad Names for your dating profile

Okay so a while ago I wrote that I have been on this site called spark.com.  It’s not a bad site but it’s not very good either.  Anyway they send me e-mails once a week saying could “____ be the one” and most of them have really horrible or hilarious names. These are the best ones:

Name                          What it means (at least this is what I think of when it see it)

RllrCoasterLvr–  “I have a weird attachment to roller coasters”

Geminiey–             “My sign is really important to me”

Singleguy204u– “I’m really optimistic”

Ledzepln86–        “Dude I was totally born in the wrong decade…let’s go get lit”

Once11–                “One date with me will feel like 11”

Departed96–       “Best movie EVER!!!”

Riversongs57–  “I love compilation cds”

Mbear10–             “Everyone says I look like a teddy bear”

Kings–                     “I will rule you any day”

Orgone–                 I really don’t know what to do with this one

Luvducali–           “I really love my state!”

Lonelyheart–     “I miss the 80s”

Passionman4luv– “I’m trolling dating sites because I am old and creepy”

Foreverrad–          “The 90s was the best decade EVER!!”

1000fish–               “I have dated 1000 women”

Ferrari700–          “Man I wish I had that car”

Fried48m–             Totally speaks for itself 🙂

That was just all sorts of fun 😉

Writing

I was cleaning out my apartment this past week or so in process of the move and I found some old poetry so I thought while I am without the internet that I would write some poetry…I am really tired so it might not be any good but I thought I would take just some time to get some words down…even if they suck 🙂

Her dress it flows past her feet to the floor,

The look on her face is one of contemplation

What does she see?
What does she know?

Her eyes never look up to the door,

In her hands is something of importance

What does she hold?

What does she know?

Her wings allow her to soar,

The world cannot hold her back

Where does she go?

What does she know?

Her crown is made of leaves,

There is no power in her stance

What can she hear?

What does she know?

Does she look over what I do?

Does she understand me?

Is she a messenger?

She blesses my home

In her eyes is my future

In her hands is my heart

In her wings is protection

In her crown is power

She is the angel that watches over me

Stacey

My friend Stacey is moving very soon.  I know that people say we will still talk and I really hope that is true. I mean I know it will take more effort on our part for that to happen.  And I am pretty okay with that but I am still really upset that she is leaving. In my previous blog I wrote that she is my sister in heart.  My soul sister.

There is that song on the radio now and right now I can’t remember the name of it but in the chorus it says “hey soul sister” and that is what she is to me.  What makes us so close?

I like to think it is like/difference.  We are alike in some ways and completely different in others.  We share deep conversations and I really like that.  Fakeness and surfaces annoy me. I am not fake. What you see is pretty much what you get. I have a tendency to be private and to sometimes have walls around my heart but I try to be transparent in everything I do.  When people are fake in my presence it drives me insane. Stacey is never fake or surfacy (that’s right I just made up a word).  When people are surfacey they never share what’s beneath the false self. The false self is what we project to outsider, that we have it all together. I don’t have it all together and I don’t pretend to have it all together. 

With Stacey I can be who I really am and my walls come crashing down.  In some ways she has been a mentor to me.  Our backgrounds are somewhat similar. They are in no way a mirror of each other but there are some similarities that allow us to relate well to one another.  Families are organic changing beings and her family has changed since I have known her and it has been interesting to see that come to being.  I love her and I am going to miss her dearly.

I think she said last year that being here (at Fuller) a third year is really hard and I am beginning to see why that would be.  It is really hard to watch your friends leave.  I mean a good portion of my friends are still here but most of them are just as busy as I am.  Even Fuller is changing the way they do things. 

Stacey is the person I go to when I need to spend time with people.  We can laugh together which is awesome. I don’t think I have ever cried with her. But I hate crying with people.  I can’t do it. I was sitting at a meeting tonight and I could feel myself starting to cry and I was trying really hard not to do it. I mean biting my lip and trying anything to keep myself from crying.

She is who I watch movies at the $2 theater with and who I watch TBBT with and who I love spending time with. Don’t get me wrong I have lots of amazing friends but this amazing friend is leaving.

Change is upon us ready or not

So yesterday I moved all my stuff into the new place. I am exhausted and out of steam and upset and emotionally drained.  There is so much change happening that I am headed for a breakdown and fast.

So today is Sunday. Wednesday I had a party at my old place and Thursday and Friday I packed.  Friday night after I packed, had dinner with my aunt Cindy and Rebecca (my sister) and her boyfriend Jeff I cried in my apartment.  I was weeping in my closet because I was so sad. While I was in there I crying (and then crying in my bed) I kept asking myself why I was crying.  I mean its not like I was leaving people. I will still hangout with all those people it will just take more effort on my part to get together and hangout.  I also took all my stuff with me when I moved. So why was I so sad and why am I still so sad?

My guess is change. I mean I can take change in very small doses.  But so much change is happening over the next couple of weeks and I don’t know if I can take it.  I mean I know I can but I don’t know if I will be able to deal with all of it.  My best friend/sister in heart is leaving California next week and I feel like my own heart is being ripped from my chest.  She is my soul sister. She has been my rock and my family.  I have learned so much from her and have enjoyed building a relationship with her and the fact that she is leaving really sucks!!! If I could underline sucks about 10 times it would not cover how much it sucks. 

My guess would be that I will miss the place that I have called home for the past 3 years.  And I will miss living alone.  But I think most of my crying has to do with changes coming. 

One thought I had last week when I was looking around my apartment not wanting to leave was that I might become a different person when I leave.  I know that’s not true. I did not become the person I am now because of that place that I lived in and my personhood does not rest in that place but still it sucks to leave the home I made there.  I never thought I could become so attached to a place I lived. I mean I was a little attached to my room at my parents’ house but I get to visit that room (that hasn’t changed much except for the fact that it is now empty) every Christmas.  I was never attached to the places I lived in undergrad because they were so temporary. 

I thought maybe I was really upset to leave the community but like I said I still have that community. It hasn’t left and they still welcome me to events so that is not a problem.  I am just having a hard time.  I made a home there and I am just hoping that I can make a home here as well. I think it is possible. I mean I am looking around my room here at the new place and I am thinking that won’t be a problem.  All the things I love are here and all the knickknacks that have made my place feel home are here.  I can’t pinpoint what made my old place a home.  I think it wasn’t the stuff in the rooms but something else.  I hope this place will soon feel like home.

TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!

I am totally freaking out!!! Because:

1. I NEED A JOB!!! I need a job immediately. I would never ask someone to find me a job but if you hear about a part-time job with flexible hours let me know.

2. I NEED A PLACE TO LIVE!!! They have already rented out my place so I need to be out by the 20th and I still don’t have a place to live.

3. I HAVE NO CLUE HOW I AM GOING TO PAY TWO RENTS!! I was thinking I would only have to pay one rent this month but I am realizing I am going to have to pay two!!

I have mentioned before that I don’t like to feel. When I get really stressed out (like I am now) I no longer have the option of not feeling and I start to feel everything at once.  Which sucks!! I supress my feeling so much that now they are crashing down on me and I am just hoping I can withstand the weight!

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