Uncensored, unedited me!

Feeling Sentimental

Today was Church Outside the Walls where Oasis Church has a service with a few songs and then goes and does community type service all over Pasadena, CA and then meets back up for a potluck lunch at the park afterwards.  It was such a good day.  The weather was beautiful (it was even a little bit chilly) and lots of people came out for lunch. I helped set up the lunch part…I may not have done much but it is still a wonderful thing to watch so many people do so many different things as service for God.

As many of you know this is my last year at Fuller. I have enough classes for 2 quarters and then I can do my CPE and graduate.  But that also means soon I will have to step outside the safety of Fuller and do things “on my own.” I mean I won’t be on my own but still there will be no professors guiding my way.  These past 3 years (going on 4) have been amazing.  I have learned so much about myself and my faith and I have been challenged in really amazing ways.  It has been wonderful. 

I am so excited for the next chapter of my life.  God has set before me the end goal and together we will figure out how to get there.  It will be scary and people may not like me as much in the process but I really feel like God is leading the process.  For instance, there are people in my life that wish my secrets could stay secrets but I really don’t live a secretive life anymore because it is destructive.  I started this blog because I needed a venue where I could express myself and strengthen my writing skills.  See, if people read my stuff on here, and heard my voice then there is a great possibility that I will be a good writer and when people read my book they will want to talk with me.

God has been lifting my thoughts about me in this process. What does that mean? Well, it means that before the past couple years I thought I was a crappy, good for nothing, waste of space but now I know that isn’t true.  I am pretty sure that I have insightful ideas and that I have a gift for public speaking.  I am pretty sure that I am a likeable person that is also relatable and easy to talk to. I am pretty sure that God is going to use all of these gifts in the work I will do for him and that excites me.  This whole time I have been at Fuller God has been preparing me for the work I am going to do.  He has been building me up.  One of my friend’s Laura has this gift when praying.  She asks God to write on people’s heart and then God writes something and then Laura shares that with the person she is praying for.  She has done this several times with me.  She said once that God was holding my heart for me in a bag.  I thought my heart was broken and beyond repair and she said that God was holding it for me.  And that I thought that was pretty cool.  I couldn’t hold my own heart because I would have destroyed it with bad thoughts about myself but God was holding it for me and taking good care of it.  Now I think I am ready for him to give it back to me…but maybe not just yet.  As the new school year begins I hope God will continue to show me how worthy I am to be doing his work.

So this post is called Feeling Sentimental and I really haven’t gotten to why I named it that.  I am Facebook friends with almost all of my family members and the only ones I am not Facebook friends with are the ones that aren’t on there.  This summer I was fortunate enough to visit my grandmas (dad’s mom and mom’s mom) and cousins from one side of the family (my mom’s side) and that was really great! I got to spend time with some people I haven’t seen in three years.  But then there is this other side of the family.  My dad’s side (he has one brother) and I haven’t seen my aunt and uncle on that side in years. I saw them one day about 2 or 3 years ago when my step-grandma died.  But that was for the briefest period of time and not even the whole family was there.

Any-who they have been posting pictures of their summer and as I look at their photos I really want to go and visit them.  I’m not really sure why…. I just feel like I need to see them.  It could be because of a secret that I let out when I was doing a project for a class but that doesn’t feel like the entire reason.  I’m a little confused by it.  I mean its been years since I have spent any amount of time with these people and only now do I feel like I want to spend any amount of time with them.  I think it has something to do with how much I have changed in the past 3 years.  But it feels like so much more than that. 

Last week when I spoke in church I talked about needing to be loved.  I have all my life felt like I needed to be loved and somehow I think if I make a connection with them I would get those needs met.  But part of me thinks that I might be let down by their reactions.  Maybe it is just that as I have grown up and become the person I am now I really want a connection to the family and to really know these cousins/aunts/uncles as they really are.  Does that make sense?

I have a need to be known and as I grow I really want to know these people not as I perceive them but as they truly are. 

Anyway the day after my 10 year high school reunion (that I didn’t go to) I am feeling sentimental and thinking about my life and how things around me are changing and how soon I will be leaving this cocoon I have been living in and its both exciting and scary.

Comments on: "Feeling Sentimental" (2)

  1. dawnrosalie said:

    This is a great post, Tammy. You are an amazing person and have overcome so much, and yet remained authentic and real in the process. I am going to see if someone will loan me the video recording from last week, since I missed hearing you.

    I really think you are brave and wonderful. I will be bringing over a stack of books for you to look at when your final is over. 🙂

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