My therapist asked me to feel this week. When she asked me to feel I gave her the Waggoner eyes that say, “What you talking bout Willis?” or “Are you out of your ever lovin’ mind?” When I gave her this look she pointed out that when she asks me how I feel about something I always say, “I don’t know.” I mean I will sit there for a few seconds and contemplate what I could possibly have been feeling then and I honestly have no idea. I mean I can’t even come up with, “I suppose I was feeling…..”
So she asked me to spend 5 minutes feeling whatever I am feeling. Now surprise surprise there have been many incidents this week where I had to feel something and what I was feeling was uncomfortable. I don’t like to feel. It’s why I have so many addictions. When one isn’t working anymore I will turn to another to see if it will work for a while. I don’t like to feel.
So when my cousin basically ordered me to help out when my grandpa comes to visit in November I spent a day and a half yelling in my apartment. Now that may not make sense to you. So what if you cousin ordered you to help out with grandpa? Its family right? Wrong. I hate to be ordered around. So when I was sitting in my apartment trying to figure out what in the heck I was feeling and how best to convey that to my cousin I had to work hard to get beyond the “pissed” feeling. Being ordered around makes me feel like I no longer have a free will. I feel violated when someone takes away my free will. When someone’s actions cause me to feel violated it reminds me of the other times in my life when I have been violated and I want to escape that feeling.
So I felt violated when my cousin ordered me to help out with gramps but that wasn’t the end of what I was feeling. My grandpa creeps me out. He is my only grandpa (by blood) and he creeps me out. Maybe because I only have the one but most likely because he touches me without asking. And when I say touching I mean rubbing my leg, rubbing my back, holding my hand and kissing me on the lips. ICK!! EEK!!! When he came to visit us at Christmas I spent the entire time trying to get away from him and trying to get him to stop touching me!
So the idea of spending any amount of time with him in November completely creeps me out! So in November when I spend one day in Riverside with him I will make sure it is one day at the most! So I was pissed when I got this order/e-mail from my cousin because of the double violation I was feeling. Now for the next couple months I have to worry about this encounter. Yay go me! (said with sarcasm dripping from it)
I have had other encounters with feelings this week but those other times I could not name exactly what it was. Why do have such a hard time feeling? Or even naming what I am feeling? Probably because I avoid it like the plague. I don’t like to feel and will do anything to avoid it. But after feeling this week for 5 minutes at a time it isn’t as scary as I thought it would be. But after I was done feeling for those 5 minutes I wanted to use. I wanted to escape immediately and for the most part I did okay. Not great but I didn’t drown my sorrows in a bottle of Captain Morgan rum and I didn’t spend money that I don’t have. I did spend some time fantasizing about finding someone who will love me but it didn’t consume my entire life. And for that I am grateful!
Feeling isn’t too bad as long as it doesn’t last more than 5 minutes 🙂