Sex, kissing, and the church

I was just reading Kevin Gonzaga’s post about the passionate kissing of Christians.  It was an interesting look at how the Penners view passionate kissing before marriage. 

Anyway I was gonna comment on his post but then decided anything I had to say would be best expressed in my own blog. 

Kevin has been writing about gender and sexuality and the class he is taking titled, Pastoral Care and Sexuality.  I took this class a couple of summers ago and it has been interesting to read his blog and talk to him about what the class is covering.

Usher’s song “Yeah” has a line in it that says, “lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” I feel like this is the message that is sent to women everywhere.  We are supposed to be soft and dumure in life but freaky in the sheets.  Some how we are supposed to be able to turn into a animal sexually without training or explanation of what that might mean.

The church teaches us nothing about sex except that when you are single you are not supposed to do it.  Somehow we are supposed to learn everything we need to know from awkward conversations in school and with our parents.  If your parents’ don’t teach you anything about sex except that, “the bible says don’t do it  before marriage (which it doesn’t)” then how are you supposed to deal with your own desires and urges.

What I remember most about the Pastoral Care and Sexuality class is that we talked about masturbation every single day.  There was one guy in the class that asked every guest speaker what they thought of it. (I think he was probably dealing with something at the time).  We spent almost every single day talking about male masturabation. But we never talked about female masturbation.  Probably because it is taboo and most women “don’t do it” (well at least that is what they say). 

When masturbation is talked about in church it is declared an evil act and that you should abstain from it.  My question is how do you embrace your sexuality or sexual desires in singleness? I mean I really want to know.  I struggle with this all the time.  (If you have any ideas I would love to hear them).

Anyone that knows me knows my abusive past and how that past sent me into my sexuality way to early and has since heightened my sexual desires (this occurs in almost all child abuse cases).

The church says in essence that singles are to ignore their sexual side until marriage.  How do you do that? How do you ignore a major need in your body and then turn it on when you get married?  How is that healthy? Or even possible? 

Sex is not talked about in the church to singles or married people across the board. I visited a church last summer that was having a Sex month and every sermon discussed sex and the pastor before he began the sermon series said that sex was for married people and that singles should ignore their desires.  In fact one week he asked that the married couples engage in sexual activities every day and told the single people to each chocolate.  WHAT!!!! I was outraged by this…how can a church do that????

If we want to talk about sex in the church we should talk with the whole church. 

Kissing before marriage is a must! I recommend it wholeheartedly.  Do you know how much you can learn from a kiss?  The way a couple connects in a kiss directly relates to how they will connect sexually.  If the kiss is a no go then the sex won’t be that great either.

I think each couple has to discuss and decide on their own boundairies and what they think is “morally” right.  Each couple and each relationship is unique.  I have to wonder what is a relationship without kissing?  Where’s the fun?  How do you know you have chemistry. I cannot tell you how many relationships I ended because the kissing was blah. I mean one guy even did this thing with his tongue where it kept poking my lip.  WHAT IS THAT!!!.  I kissed him a couple times after that trying to teach him that that was no good but he couldn’t take the hint so I broke up with him.  Some people would say that is wrong but if he was that bad at kissing and couldn’t be taught, how bad was he gonna be at other things? 

I joke and laugh but really how can a relationship be a relationship without the fun of kissing? I can understand why some people might be against it because it could lead to other things but kissing doesn’t have to be a precursor to other things. Kissing just to kiss is fun.  Why would you want to keep yourself from the fun of kissing?

Sex should be taught in the church and not just “true love waits” but what that waiting means and how to deal with urges and desires and once in a marriage what to do if the sex is bad.  Kissing (face on face action) should happen in dating relationships. 

Boundary setting should also happen in dating relationships.  When a couple gets to the kissing portion of their dating relationship then they should sit down and discuss how far sexually they are willing/wanting to go.  That means defining what sex is: for me this means anything dealing with the gentials but for you that might mean something different.  If you cannot discuss this with your partner/boyfriend/guy then maybe  you shouldn’t be kissing. 

Just some of my thoughts about sex, kissing, and the church.

Sex is a gift from God to all of us and it should be treasured and nutured like any other gift.


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