I never realize how independent I am until I ask for help (or even think about asking for help).
My throat tightens and tears roll down my face just thinking about asking for help, let alone the anxiety I feel when actually asking.
I’m 29 years old and I still ask my parents to help me pay my rent. I feel like such a failure every time I have to ask for help. It’s like I can’t stand on my own two feet so I must have failed somehow. Like somehow everyone else in the world has this manual that someone forgot to give me about asking for help.
It is like I have written my own manual, “How to get through life without anyone else.” I know God did not create us to be individual beings. He created us to be and live in community but still I wish I could get by on my own. I wish I didn’t have to ask my parents for help.
Why is that? I guess I feel like their job should be over. They shouldn’t have to help me financially anymore. I should be able to take care of my own needs. I should be able to pay my bills without their support. My therapist would say “should” is a word I need to remove from my vocabulary.
I guess I’m hurting. The stress of life is getting to me: trying to pass Hebrew (and at this point I am just trying to pass), trying to find a new job (which is stressful enough without my perfectionist mind telling me to hurry up), trying to find a new apartment (which to be honest I have kind of given that job to my new roommate I just haven’t told her that yet), thinking about the future (where to move, applying and getting into CPE), and thinking about relationships. I am so stressed out my sleep is being disrupted…I mean crazy dreams (last week I actually died in my own dream) and it is 1 am and I am still awake and thinking. Now being awake at 1 am is not new for me but being able to still think and process at 1 am is.
I’m 29 years old and asking for help is something I still have to work on. I rarely ask God for help let alone people that I have to look in the face. How weird is that, a seminary student that doesn’t ask God for help? I rarely name when I need help. For instance, I know I have gray hairs, I have a friend (my new roommate) who is willing to help me dye them but I haven’t gotten up the courage to ask her to help me.
When it comes to asking God for help I figure that God has enough on his plate he doesn’t need my tiny concerns. I think the same thing about the people in my life. I know when I have to ask my parents to help me out with my rent, I know at least a month ahead of time but I can’t do it. My throat right now is tightening just thinking about it. I talk myself out of asking at least 3 or 4 times a day because they have their own expenses they don’t need my extra expenses. When asking friends for help I figure they have better things to do than help me.
I fear the rejection and the things people will think of me if I have to ask them for help. A few days ago I wrote a post about family and in it I mentioned the lies we believe. The lie I believe is that to ask for help is to be a failure, to ask for help is to be a drain on those around you, and the people you ask will leave because you are a drain.
These are lies. I can say that they are lies. I can say that the truth is that…well I don’t know what the truth is because I can’t see it.
I have been thinking about my future lately and one of the things I have been thinking about is writing books. One of the books I want to write is how to disprove the lies we believe and to instead believe and hear the truths that are out there for everyone.
I cannot remind myself of the truths but I can see the lies for what they are. If I had said book I could pull it out now, look up the lie I believe and read the truth that is for me. The truth is I am not a failure, I human and imperfect and it is okay to ask for help. God asks us to live in community so that we can care for each other.
I am loveable and asking for help does not change that. I am not alone and everything will work out even if in this moment, at this time I cannot fully believe it.
I know everything will work out but in this interim it is hard to remind myself of that fact.
GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME and he will take care of me. He takes care of me when I cannot ask for help and when I can.
I’m going to bed now…not because I am tired but because I just want to stop thinking.