Uncensored, unedited me!

I had a small break down this weekend.  It was a long time coming. I have been beyond stressed in Hebrew and this past week I found out that my job is ending sooner than I thought and I need to definitely move this summer. For instance, I thought I had a whole month to find a job but actually my job ends this Friday.

We all have the response of FIGHT OR FLIGHT and I lean heavily toward flight.  I am an addict. I have 3 addictions that when stressed I like to use. I love to escape my own problems through an addiction or napping or any means of escape. I like to refer to myself as an escape artist. 

But I digress. All that to say that in the past few weeks when confronted with stress and triggers I have ignored them and said, “I will deal with that when I have more time.”  The only problem with that is that I haven’t had any extra time and if I have extra time I am using that to do more work. So anyway all the stress and emotions in my life were boiling over and on Saturday it all kind of exploded all over me. 

I spent the day shaming myself and crying and basically having my own pity party.  It was a depressing day.  I mean I was dealing with things but I couldn’t see beyond myself. 

But again I digress.  GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME!!

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME…I believe and trust God has everything under control in my professional/calling life. I have the plan…I know the goal and can see the small steps to get there.

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME….I believe and trust that God will take care of my basic needs. I will get fed, I will have a roof over my head.  These things will happen but they do cause me to worry.  I worry I won’t find a job but my whole time here at Fuller God has provided for me.  I mean there are months I look into my bank account and I start to freak out.  10 dollars for a whole month just does not seem possible (it’s not that bad now but by September that might be a different story). How am I going to eat? How am I going to pay my bills? And by the time I need money somehow there is some miracle.  God provides but knee-deep in stress that is hard to remember.

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME…I have a hard time remembering that God has my romantic life under his control.  I mean I have been single (as single as a girl can get) for the past 6 years.  Soon it will be 7 years.  This girl is feeling a little lonely.  We as humans need touch.  I need touch. In relationships there is this unwritten rule that you are able to touch each other.  When you feel lonely you can reach out and touch someone and he welcomes that touch.  If he needs to be touched the same works.  I miss that.  I miss holding someone’s hand. I miss being able to hug a man who is more than a friend.  You know what I mean. You hug your friends differently than you hug your boyfriend.  There is an intimacy that is shared in a hug.  An intimacy shared in holding hands. 

So this weekend I broke down because of stress and because I am lonely.  When I am lonely it is hard to remember that GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME!!! No matter how idiotic I act or how aggressive or passive I am in a relationship God will take care of it.  No matter how I mess something up God can fix it.  I got worried this weekend about a possible missed opportunity with a guy but I forgot that God has it under control.  God is bigger than me and he can work out my romantic issues.

I just pray he works it out soon 😉

I just have to remind myself that GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME!!!

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