Uncensored, unedited me!

Reunion eh

My high school reunion is coming up GO FALCONS!!! (But said in a dry tone with no excitement what-so-ever). 

I had a dream last night about the reunion and it reminded me of how I felt in high school.  I was a shadow.  No one really knew me.  Teachers would announce that students were to work with “Tammy Waggoner” and people would look around the room and say “Who is that?” And I would raise my hand (I was usually sitting directly behind the person/people I was supposed to work with or I was just a few seats away) and I would say, “I’m right here.” And I would be thinking, “what an asshole!!”

But really I can’t put all the blame on people in my high school.  There are some people who can recognize my face and can say “hey” to me when I see them in public.  There are even the people who can actually remember my name and call it out across a crowded mall (that’s right Nick Proctor I was totally hyped when you called my name out when you were working at that store at the great mall that closed in record time).  I’m even facebook friends with some of my closest friends from high school (and even some people I don’t recognize but since we went to the same high school i figure what the hell, let’s be friends :)).

Like I said I was a shadow.  I went to school, I did the work, and I went home.  On Sundays I went to church and hung out with my “real friends.” It’s actually really funny; I was just trying to think of who I am still friends with (and what I mean by that is we hangout and converse outside of facebook and e-mail) from church and the two friends I have now who I was friends with then are two guys I dated in junior high and high school.  (On a side note I find that really interesting but I will have to explore that at a later date).

I had some friends who I hung out with at school and who gave me rides home after school but that was really it.  We hung out a couple times outside of school but they didn’t even really know me.  But back then I really didn’t want to be known.  In Olathe, KS school district if you didn’t start kindergarten with the people in your class then you were always an outsider. My parents moved us to Olathe when I was just finishing up Elementary school.  I tried my hardest when I started junior high just to blend in with others and that continued into high school.  It didn’t continue so much into college but that was mainly because of large amounts of alcohol.

I don’t blame the kids (now adults with husbands and wives and kids {some of them}) in my high school, I mostly blame me.  I was a shadow who tried desperately to be unknown.  I didn’t want my core group of friends to find out that I didn’t think  ‘Nsync was all that.  I didn’t want anyone to know who I really was or what I was really like for fear that they would no longer like me. (that makes me unbelieveably sad to think about)

I didn’t want people to get to know me for fear that they wouldn’t like the real me.  For those of you that know me now you are probably thinking “for shame.” But I always felt like I did the wrong thing and with the past that I had that can be understandable. 

School was all about how to get through the halls and get to class in the quickest manner so that no one could possibly see and make fun of the real me.  Looking back I don’t think anyone made fun of me but no one tried to get to know me, which back then was really okay with me.

I am not going to my reunion because I 1 can’t afford it, 2 I think I will still be in Hebrew when it happens, and 3 I don’t want to turn into a shadow again.  The only reason I could see for going to my reunion would be to show everyone the real me.  But what do I need to prove to anyone else. 

For the most part Olathe South High School was all about appearances so I am guessing the people that go to the 10 year reunion will be people that 1. are married and have kids, 2. are successful in career, or 3. are successful in other ways (that I can’t think of at this moment).  By their measures of succes I am nothing. I am still a single person and I am no where near to being married or having kids (I’m not knocked up and I am not engaged and I am not dating anyone).  I could say I am successful in my career but I haven’t really started it yet (by their measurements.  I know I have done a lot to get things started but when they ask “where is your non-profit?” all I can do is point to my head).  I don’t own a house, I live off loans and my job is working as a coordinator for OurPrayer on Fuller campus.  I think my biggest success is moving out of Olathe, KS (but that’s just me).

Anyway in my dream I came across someone that didn’t want to go into the reunion because she wasn’t dressed properly.  So I gave her a makeover and a pep talk and we went to the reunion together.

I am not a shadow any more and the only reason I would ever want to go to the reunion would be to show people that I am a real person with real thoughts and real ideas and my biggest concern is no longer whether or not you like me but WHETHER OR NOT I LIKE ME! I LIKE ME so really there is no reason to go to the reunion (so it is a good thing i have no plans to actually go!)

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