Uncensored, unedited me!

Holy Spirit, holy crap

Okay so if you have been talking to me this week you know that my internship has gone topsy-turvy and that i have been FREAKING OUT!

I mean let’s go back a few months/weeks when I found out that my perfect internship had come into being. I was super excited and thrilled and I was telling people about the great work I was going to be doing.  I mean I thought that my internship was going to be about the church but I was also picturing who I was going to be doing that work with.

And then this past Monday and Tuesday happened and it all kind of went to shit.  I mean the people who I thought I would be working with are not going to be the same people I will be working with.  I spent most of my week FREAKING OUT. Because God had put all these things into place.

1. I had e-mailed the pastor and we had met a few times and he was totally excited about the ministry and what the ministry would mean for Oasis (that should have been my first clue: retrospective kind of cool…but in the moment I never noticed that he didn’t mention a relationship with him…it was all about Oasis…which is how it should be but still sitting here today I can see the significance of that….)

2. My discernment group affirmed that this church was the church I was going to partner with (I guess I totally missed about it not being about these pastors or these friends that I would be working with…when I was thinking about the internship I was thinking about both really but i kept telling myself if these people aren’t here it will still work….that totally must have been God)

3. My family started backing me when I told them about it (I have never felt so much support!).

So I spent most of my week asking God: WHAT THE FUCK!! (I totally cuss when I talk to God…he knows that is who I am and he embraces me wholeheartedly)? I mean why did all of this totally align if it was going to fall apart?  Now all week I had wonderful people telling me it was going to work out: Stacey and Dawn.  They kept saying it could still work and I kept thinking I DON’T SEE HOW (If they heard that they never told me)! I mean my pastor is leaving how is that going to work out!! (If you go to Oasis and you didn’t find this out until today and you are  thinking how did she know…the answer is I went to my FIRST staff meeting as an intern on TUESDAY and that’s when the pastor told us….it was like God was saying: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  I totally feel like God laughs at us when we get it wrong.)

Even today when I went to church I felt exhausted. My 2nd supervisor (who my pastor urged me to get) even said if Oasis doesn’t work you could always switch.  And even when she was saying it I was thinking THAT IS AN OPTION I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE.  I mean I like my female supervisor and she is totally cool but she is totally PENTECOSTAL which totally freaks me out.  And an internship at her church would mean something I don’t want to do which is learn how to do her ministry and I really want this internship to be about figuring out the kinks in the ministry God wants me to do.

Today after church, after the pastor announced what I have been trying to figure out ON MY OWN all week to the church some people were really hurting and some people were really just okay.  I was still FREAKING OUT!! I spoke to my direct supervisor Ryan who said it will work out if I choose that I want it to.  In that moment sitting right there talking to Ryan I was like HELL YEAH I WANT IT TO WORK OUT!!! But I knew I really had to think about it and ask God what was up.

So after church on the walk home I was really just reflective and trying to figure out what God was trying to say to me. I got home I ate some Life cereal and took a nap and towards the end of my nap when I was between awake and asleep I was asking God what he wanted to say to me and what all of this meant.  And I wasn’t hearing anything and I wasn’t seeing anything and I basically wasn’t getting anything but mainly because I couldn’t get my mind to shut up. 

So any way I was laying there wondering what God could possibly say and I heard this weird sound come from my kitchen and it sounded like a bag of rice falling on the floor.  My kitchen has absolutely no air flow so i just kind of figured I was losing my mind and went back to sleep. 

When I finally got up I was processing the morning.  Thinking about how I saw in the church service this white bright light around the two pastors (husband and wife) that are leaving and I was just wondering what that was about. In church I kept saying OKAY GOD I SEE IT BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Usually it means that someone is telling the truth and believe me I already knew what they were saying was the truth. So this afternoon as I was processing what they were saying I was blown away by what they kept saying “We are not the church.” My internship and Oasis as a church community does not hinge or stand upon these two people.  That was totally crazy.

So after I figured this out I walked into my kitchen to make some tea and looked on the floor and found my soul box.  Which is totally crazy because it was sitting on top of my table and there is no way it could have landed on the floor because there is absolutely not enough air flow in the kitchen to make that happen.  So I am standing in the kitchen looking down at this soul box that I made before graduating Living Waters (a healing ministry) and I am weirded out accepting what God has to say.  So I look around the room and back at the box and it is sitting on its side with one side facing up that reads “LISTEN; JOYFUL JOURNEY; GOD LOVES ME and I LOVE TO LAUGH.” Hunh So I flip it over to read the others sides that say: “I AM BEAUTIFUL; I AM HAPPY; DREAM VACATIONS; I AM WORTHY; SONG; I AM FULL; I AM ENOUGH; I AM LOVED; GOD LOVES ME; HE HAS BROUGH ME INTO THE LIGHT; CREATING WOMEN REVELATION; PRAYER ENCOURAGEMENT POWER; I LOVE MY SMILE; I HAVE VALUE; SPIRITUAL RENEWAL; I LOVE GOD; WORLD.” This box is bright and shining and I am looking at it thinking OKAY I GET IT

This internship was never about this pastor and his wife. It was never about them it was about the church.  It was about being in and part of this church and helping the women in this church become whole people again.  Helping the women in this church to live full lives and to be full was what this internship was all about.  It wasn’t about me or about them it was about helping people.  I look back over my freakouts of the week and I remember the moments of peace when I was close that realization.  When I was close to understanding that it wasn’t about Jon and Kate but it was really about doing God’s work.  When I look at the leaders at the church that were calm today I see this realization on there faces.  GOD IS THE CHURCH.  It is his church it is not Jon and Kate’s but God’s. 
I really wish this realization would have happened earlier this week because it would have made for a better week but God works in his time and not my own.

I LISTENED wholeheartedly when God told me that Oasis was where I was going to do my internship.  But I guess I didn’t get the whole message or the whole story because this internship is going to look different than I thought.  But it will be a JOYFUL JOURNEY where I know that GOD LOVES ME and hopefully there will be times when I can appreciate and LOVE MY LAUGH.  Maybe I am trying to wrap it up all nice and tight but I really feel like God loves me and that even though I have been freaking out God knew it was going to look like this from the beginning and even though it may not be the easy ride I was thinking it was going to be it will be TOTALLY AMAZING!!!

I was just thinking most of my problem this week was feeling alone and if I had listened to Stacey, and Dawn and Ryan and all the other people earlier and blocked out those people and voices that said it wasn’t going to work I could have seen that I AM NOT ALONE!! I have an amazing support system that will support me if I let them.

GOD TAUGHT ME SO MUCH THIS WEEK!!!

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Comments on: "Holy Spirit, holy crap" (2)

  1. That’s AWESOME Tammy!! i am so thrilled to hear all that God has been doing in you!

  2. thanks so much for sharing your process, tammy! so encouraging to hear how God is working and speaking in your life =)

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