I was reading Betsy’s post
just a second ago and she was talking about love and connection. It reminded me of the little connections I have been having with someone over the past couple of weeks. He lingers and I linger. It is so much fun.
I have been learning how to slow down. How to respond to and respect the little things. I used to skip over the little things or skip to the big part of the relationship. In other words I hate the anxiety of the beginning of something because I am afraid that it will go away. If I miss an opportunity it will not present itself again. I like to be in the driver’s seat of a situation and I do not like being passive and just letting it happen.
I was talking with one of my pastoral supervisors today and I was completely awed at her intuition and care. It was a unique experience. I have never spent so little time talking with someone and wanting more conversation. It was truly interesting. Any who I bring it up now because I wish to explore the importance of our past. My past dictates that the beginnings of relationships are scary. The beginning is more vulnerable because there are more chances to get hurt. The beginning is an open opportunity for others to take advantage of you. I do not like beginnings.
But in the past month or so as I have been letting whatever this is to unfold; I have been uniquely surprised. The little lingers of touch are fun and not at all scary. The sideways glances are thrilling and the conversation is just fun. When you skip the beginning of a relationship it may seem less scary because of the rush of feelings and rush of the relationship but I am pretty sure I have been missing out on something. I have run on adrenaline and pushed relationships before they were ready and I have missed the excitement of relationships.
I have missed the little things that make relationships exciting by skipping forward. And even though in this moment I am excited about the little things there are times when the little things are scary and untrustworthy because I want to skip ahead. But I know that is not wise. The little things will sometimes lead to the big things and sometimes it wont. When it doesn’t it’s not meant to go somewhere else. When it does that does not mean it will lead to forever but the possibility that it could should not drive the relationship where it is not ready to go before it is ready.
I skip ahead. It is what I do. So this waiting and letting things go where they go it is very interesting. It is scary but also a lot of fun. I am enjoying this new possibility of relationship while trying not to make it move forward which is all about fighting my past and living in the present. It is frustrating but also exciting at the same time. It is very interesting…..
So as I continue this journey with this unnamed funny and unique person I am going to continue to try to enjoy the little things and to not let my anxiety lead me to either grab on or run away. I am going to try to live in the middle and enjoy the moment.