Uncensored, unedited me!

Archive for June, 2010

Language: Off-putting or Freedom Inspiring?

My last post “Holy Spirit, Holy Crap” got some very good responses and some other responses as well.  Through an e-mail conversation someone mentioned that they did not appreciate my langauge.

I am taking it under advisement and really just wondering how others felt.  So if you read my last post please answer this question: What did you think about my language? In that post I said f*#k once and c*#p once and h*ll once (I really don’t think censoring makes it better but that is just my point of view).

Did you find the language took away from the story? Did it keep you from reading more? In conversation with me do you find my language to be “bad” or inappropriate? (I really have no censor but I can try to work on it if necessary..I just haven’t found it necesary)

Did you find the language refreshing and real? Did you keep reading because nothing was hidden? In conversation with me are you not put-off by my use of langauge?

I personally have no problems with language: curse, cuss, proper, or whatever. I like when people are real but I can see the validity to what this person said so I want to know what you think.

Please leave a comment so I can further think about and explore this subject.

Does my language detract from hearing my message?

I’m not looking for validation or contempt just honest response. I’m not saying whether or not I will change I’m just wondering what affect my language or use of language has on others.

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Holy Spirit, holy crap

Okay so if you have been talking to me this week you know that my internship has gone topsy-turvy and that i have been FREAKING OUT!

I mean let’s go back a few months/weeks when I found out that my perfect internship had come into being. I was super excited and thrilled and I was telling people about the great work I was going to be doing.  I mean I thought that my internship was going to be about the church but I was also picturing who I was going to be doing that work with.

And then this past Monday and Tuesday happened and it all kind of went to shit.  I mean the people who I thought I would be working with are not going to be the same people I will be working with.  I spent most of my week FREAKING OUT. Because God had put all these things into place.

1. I had e-mailed the pastor and we had met a few times and he was totally excited about the ministry and what the ministry would mean for Oasis (that should have been my first clue: retrospective kind of cool…but in the moment I never noticed that he didn’t mention a relationship with him…it was all about Oasis…which is how it should be but still sitting here today I can see the significance of that….)

2. My discernment group affirmed that this church was the church I was going to partner with (I guess I totally missed about it not being about these pastors or these friends that I would be working with…when I was thinking about the internship I was thinking about both really but i kept telling myself if these people aren’t here it will still work….that totally must have been God)

3. My family started backing me when I told them about it (I have never felt so much support!).

So I spent most of my week asking God: WHAT THE FUCK!! (I totally cuss when I talk to God…he knows that is who I am and he embraces me wholeheartedly)? I mean why did all of this totally align if it was going to fall apart?  Now all week I had wonderful people telling me it was going to work out: Stacey and Dawn.  They kept saying it could still work and I kept thinking I DON’T SEE HOW (If they heard that they never told me)! I mean my pastor is leaving how is that going to work out!! (If you go to Oasis and you didn’t find this out until today and you are  thinking how did she know…the answer is I went to my FIRST staff meeting as an intern on TUESDAY and that’s when the pastor told us….it was like God was saying: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.  I totally feel like God laughs at us when we get it wrong.)

Even today when I went to church I felt exhausted. My 2nd supervisor (who my pastor urged me to get) even said if Oasis doesn’t work you could always switch.  And even when she was saying it I was thinking THAT IS AN OPTION I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE.  I mean I like my female supervisor and she is totally cool but she is totally PENTECOSTAL which totally freaks me out.  And an internship at her church would mean something I don’t want to do which is learn how to do her ministry and I really want this internship to be about figuring out the kinks in the ministry God wants me to do.

Today after church, after the pastor announced what I have been trying to figure out ON MY OWN all week to the church some people were really hurting and some people were really just okay.  I was still FREAKING OUT!! I spoke to my direct supervisor Ryan who said it will work out if I choose that I want it to.  In that moment sitting right there talking to Ryan I was like HELL YEAH I WANT IT TO WORK OUT!!! But I knew I really had to think about it and ask God what was up.

So after church on the walk home I was really just reflective and trying to figure out what God was trying to say to me. I got home I ate some Life cereal and took a nap and towards the end of my nap when I was between awake and asleep I was asking God what he wanted to say to me and what all of this meant.  And I wasn’t hearing anything and I wasn’t seeing anything and I basically wasn’t getting anything but mainly because I couldn’t get my mind to shut up. 

So any way I was laying there wondering what God could possibly say and I heard this weird sound come from my kitchen and it sounded like a bag of rice falling on the floor.  My kitchen has absolutely no air flow so i just kind of figured I was losing my mind and went back to sleep. 

When I finally got up I was processing the morning.  Thinking about how I saw in the church service this white bright light around the two pastors (husband and wife) that are leaving and I was just wondering what that was about. In church I kept saying OKAY GOD I SEE IT BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Usually it means that someone is telling the truth and believe me I already knew what they were saying was the truth. So this afternoon as I was processing what they were saying I was blown away by what they kept saying “We are not the church.” My internship and Oasis as a church community does not hinge or stand upon these two people.  That was totally crazy.

So after I figured this out I walked into my kitchen to make some tea and looked on the floor and found my soul box.  Which is totally crazy because it was sitting on top of my table and there is no way it could have landed on the floor because there is absolutely not enough air flow in the kitchen to make that happen.  So I am standing in the kitchen looking down at this soul box that I made before graduating Living Waters (a healing ministry) and I am weirded out accepting what God has to say.  So I look around the room and back at the box and it is sitting on its side with one side facing up that reads “LISTEN; JOYFUL JOURNEY; GOD LOVES ME and I LOVE TO LAUGH.” Hunh So I flip it over to read the others sides that say: “I AM BEAUTIFUL; I AM HAPPY; DREAM VACATIONS; I AM WORTHY; SONG; I AM FULL; I AM ENOUGH; I AM LOVED; GOD LOVES ME; HE HAS BROUGH ME INTO THE LIGHT; CREATING WOMEN REVELATION; PRAYER ENCOURAGEMENT POWER; I LOVE MY SMILE; I HAVE VALUE; SPIRITUAL RENEWAL; I LOVE GOD; WORLD.” This box is bright and shining and I am looking at it thinking OKAY I GET IT

This internship was never about this pastor and his wife. It was never about them it was about the church.  It was about being in and part of this church and helping the women in this church become whole people again.  Helping the women in this church to live full lives and to be full was what this internship was all about.  It wasn’t about me or about them it was about helping people.  I look back over my freakouts of the week and I remember the moments of peace when I was close that realization.  When I was close to understanding that it wasn’t about Jon and Kate but it was really about doing God’s work.  When I look at the leaders at the church that were calm today I see this realization on there faces.  GOD IS THE CHURCH.  It is his church it is not Jon and Kate’s but God’s. 
I really wish this realization would have happened earlier this week because it would have made for a better week but God works in his time and not my own.

I LISTENED wholeheartedly when God told me that Oasis was where I was going to do my internship.  But I guess I didn’t get the whole message or the whole story because this internship is going to look different than I thought.  But it will be a JOYFUL JOURNEY where I know that GOD LOVES ME and hopefully there will be times when I can appreciate and LOVE MY LAUGH.  Maybe I am trying to wrap it up all nice and tight but I really feel like God loves me and that even though I have been freaking out God knew it was going to look like this from the beginning and even though it may not be the easy ride I was thinking it was going to be it will be TOTALLY AMAZING!!!

I was just thinking most of my problem this week was feeling alone and if I had listened to Stacey, and Dawn and Ryan and all the other people earlier and blocked out those people and voices that said it wasn’t going to work I could have seen that I AM NOT ALONE!! I have an amazing support system that will support me if I let them.

GOD TAUGHT ME SO MUCH THIS WEEK!!!

Uniquely surprised :)

I was reading Betsy’s post

http://betsysthoughts.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/enter-someone-significant-how-do-you-know/

  just a second ago and she was talking about love and connection. It reminded me of the little connections I have been having with someone over the past couple of weeks.  He lingers and I linger. It is so much fun.

I have been learning how to slow down.  How to respond to and respect the little things.  I used to skip over the little things or skip to the big part of the relationship.  In other words I hate the anxiety of the beginning of something because I am afraid that it will go away.  If I miss an opportunity it will not present itself again.  I like to be in the driver’s seat of a situation and I do not like being passive and just letting it happen.

I was talking with one of my pastoral supervisors today and I was completely awed at her intuition and care. It was a unique experience. I have never spent so little time talking with someone and wanting more conversation.  It was truly interesting.  Any who I bring it up now because I wish to explore the importance of our past.  My past dictates that the beginnings of relationships are scary.  The beginning is more vulnerable because there are more chances to get hurt.  The beginning is an open opportunity for others to take advantage of you.  I do not like beginnings. 

But in the past month or so as I have been letting whatever this is to unfold; I have been uniquely surprised. The little lingers of touch are fun and not at all scary.  The sideways glances are thrilling and the conversation is just fun.  When you skip the beginning of a relationship it may seem less scary because of the rush of feelings and rush of the relationship but I am pretty sure I have been missing out on something.  I have run on adrenaline and pushed relationships before they were ready and I have missed the excitement of relationships. 

I have missed the little things that make relationships exciting by skipping forward.  And even though in this moment I am excited about the little things there are times when the little things are scary and untrustworthy because I want to skip ahead.  But I know that is not wise.  The little things will sometimes lead to the big things and sometimes it wont.  When it doesn’t it’s not meant to go somewhere else.  When it does that does not mean it will lead to forever but the possibility that it could should not drive the relationship where it is not ready to go before it is ready. 

I skip ahead. It is what I do.  So this waiting and letting things go where they go it is very interesting.  It is scary but also a lot of fun.  I am enjoying this new possibility of relationship while trying not to make it move forward which is all about fighting my past and living in the present.  It is frustrating but also exciting at the same time.  It is very interesting…..

So as I continue this journey with this unnamed funny and unique person I am going to continue to try to enjoy the little things and to not let my anxiety lead me to either grab on or run away.  I am going to try to live in the middle and enjoy the moment.

Feelings

Something major happened today and I do not know how I feel about it because I cannot name it.  So this post is devoted to feelings.  What are feelings?

The way I understand things is to learn about them first.  I feel things but cannot name them because I never learned how.

Free: to feel free is to feel unchained.  To feel beyond chains to feel as if you are your own person in your own space doing your own things.  To feel free is in some ways to feel separate but in other ways to also feel connected.   

Satisfied: to feel good.  Satisfied is to feel as if you have eaten your full.  You have a full belly and are enjoying life.  I wonder if anyone is ever fully satisfied in every area of life.  Is there a way to feel satisfied in every aspect of your being or is full satisfaction found in heaven? Although I feel the “found in heaven” answer is a cop-out in every sense of the word.  To say something is a mystery or will only be fullfilled when you see Jesus face to face feels empty.  It feels like a non-answer.  So what is complete satisfaction and who has it?

Kind this is so cute 🙂

Lucky 

Delighted

Happy

Love

Confused

There are too many feelings to put in one post so I will continue to post feelings and fun videos for the rest of the week.

In Denver

So I have been in Denver since Wednesday and I have not had access to a computer until now.  It is amazing how people and Denver itself has not changed much in 3 years. I feel like I have changed so much but yet the relatives here have not changed at all.  Isn’t it funny how that works or how that seems to work. I just assumed that when I changed other people would change as well.  That as I have moved on that others would also.

Tomorrow is Fuller’s graduation.  Which means some of my friends will be leaving while others will be staying in the Pasadena area to work.  I am so excited for my friends that are done and I am sincere in saying so.  I am thrilled that my friends are moving on and that they are starting a new chapter in their lives.  Am I sad that some of them will no longer be here? Absolutely.  Am I a little jealous that I am not also graduating? Absolutely.  But part of me knows that I still need training and that soon enough that will be me. I will be done and I will be freaking out about the next step. 

The weather here in Denver has been crazy.  Not hot but actually kind of cold and tomorrow the high is supposed to be 56.  How is that the high in June?  It makes me think it is winter (at least a CA winter).  Oh well I am glad I brought my favorite cream colored sweater and a pair of jeans.

I got to play with a cute baby today.  He is my cousin’s kid.  It is funny how holding and watching a baby who does nothing but lay there, slobber, roll over and smile can be so much fun.  I love watching kids explore the world around them.  It is so much fun to see their little personalities form.  It is so very cute. 

I have been away from a computer since Wednesday and in some ways it has been freeing but as I was getting ready for my trip I made sure to bring some stuff that had to get done in the next few days and without computer access it worries me that I won’t get them done.  But oh well.  Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have.

I have been going to bed so early and sleeping so late and it has been wonderful!!! I can’t believe how much fun it is to go to bed early and get 10 hours each night.

I am on a David Crowder kick so I have added some videos from them tonight.  This band kicks some serious butt!!! They are truly amazing. I cannot help dancing and singing out loud with this amazing band!!! God does amazing things through this band.

I am like this guy.  I stand on corners and tap my toes and bob my head and sing along to songs all the time!! You gotta love it!!

God never lets us go!!! Isn’t that amazing!!! We may walk away from God or we may turn our back on him but he never lets go of us!!! THAT IS AWESOME!!!

I love the David Crowder Band they rock my socks off 😉

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