Very personal but on my mind

I am feeling much better. In the last few hours I have been able to sit up without becoming dizzy and I have little to no pain in my ear. YAY!!! Praise God!! If this lasted a few more days I was going to have to go back to the doctor and I would do anything to avoid that.

As I was sitting in the doctor’s office last week I was wondering why I hate doctors so much.  After I had spoken to the doctor and was waiting for lab results I remembered why: they never believe me.

I have lived in this body for 29 years and I know it well.  I know when I have an ear infection or sinus infection, I know when I have a kidney infection. I know that if I take anything with antihistamine (day or night medicine) I will be out or in a fog for the duration of taking such medicine.  I know that my head is still spinning as I write this (although I don’t really know why).  I know how odd my body is: it never tells me when I have a bladder or urinary tract infection, it never responds very well to antibiotics no matter how many new ones come on the market, and even though I am only 29 my body has hot flashes before and during my period.  I know how quirky my body is and I know how unlikely people are to believe me.

I also hate going to the doctor because they are constantly asking me if I have ever had a PAP and because I am a uniquely honest person I always say no.  Then I get looks and questions and I have to explain that I was sexually abused and raped.  Although this time I got this wonderful nurse who listened to me talk and because she listened I continued to talk.  She gave me a great idea that I just might use.  She told me to set up the first appointment and to explain my situation to the doctor.  She said to continue setting up appointments to she that doctor and that eventually if the doctor took care and if the doctor was nice about it and explained things that I might be able to go through it.  I really liked her idea and it made absolute sense to me.

I was talking with a lady last week at church (whose name I will not reveal) who told me she had an abuse problem and never enjoyed sex with her first husband but just complied because she thought that was her duty.  But then after a divorce she met a great man who showed her kindness, who taught her that sex could be good.  Who refused her sex when she wasn’t into it.  Who taught her that sex was not her duty but something that she should enjoy, that was an act of giving and receiving love.  I was honestly taken aback and given hope in her story.  She was able to move on because of this man (who is her second husband).

This kind of story I have only read in fiction books and never seen with my two eyes, or heard with my two ears, or believed with my whole heart.  This story of truth gave me  hope, hope enough to talk and open up with that nurse this week about something I hate to discuss.  I wish I had been well enough to go to church this morning.  I missed worship and seeing the faces of people I have, in a few short weeks come to see as my church family, and I missed talking to this woman.

It is so funny and amazing how God works. Over the past few weeks I have always rushed out of church because I didn’t know many people there. I would say quick hello to people I had seen before and then rush off so I didn’t have to feel so awkward.  But last week I sat down next to this woman. I think it was because she looked me in the eye.  We spent a few minutes feeling awkward and then somehow we got on the topic of abuse. I think because we were talking about how I came to the church and how she came to the church.  Anyway we both equally opened up and I am truly grateful for the story she told me.

I have more to say but it has nothing to do with what I have shared here so I will post another post and leave this one be


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