Uncensored, unedited me!

North & South

I just got done watching “North & South” for the second time.  I love this movie/series. It is a BBC film of the book North & South by Elizabeth Gaskell.  I have never read the book but I absolutely love the movie. 
If you like movies based on books from the 20th Century you will love this movie (it’s on netflix instant right now). 

I have a wonderful group of friends who get together every 3 weeks or so to watch a movie and make dinner and we always pick some British ditty to watch.  This past week we watched “The Young Victoria.” It was a fantastic film and beautiful love story.

“North & South” is also a beautiful love story about a very strong woman who stands up for herself and speaks her mind. I love stories like that. I cannot stand it when the woman is so very passive and allows the man to think for her and make her decisions.  Nothing makes me more angry than when a woman is portrayed as such in film (which I know says a lot about me and my own past decisions but for once I will not go into that).  I love stories where the woman can take care of herself.

Recently I have fallen in love with the Mercy Thompson stories.  I like them because they are fantastical (lots of vampires and werewolves) and because Mercy is a strong woman.  She fights for herself and when the man shows up to rescue her he is always too late (she’s not dead just managed to get herself out of a tight spot).  It reminds me of the end of “Ever After” when the prince comes to save Danielle but she has already saved herself.  I love a story where the woman gets in trouble but I love it more when she saves herself.  When she does not need a man to come rescue her.  Don’t get me wrong I love a good romance novel that depicts a man who saves the woman he loves but I like it better when they are on equal footing and she can save herself.

In the second Mercy Thompson book Mercy is raped and in the third her boyfriend helps her heal from that trauma.  I love that Mercy gets herself out of tough spots but I also love that it is the soft areas of her life that she needs help in.  It is the area of intimacy where she seeks the most encouragement.  It is in giving and receiving love that she is finally able to heal the scarred part of her life. 

In “North & South” Margret is the same.  She needs help in the love department but not in any other department.  I feel like these two women in many ways. I know they are fictional characters but I find it hard to be vulnerable in any area of my life but it is hardest in the love department. I have a hard time being vulnerable with my friends male or female and even harder to be vulnerable with someone I am attracted to.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the guy friends I have. I have a lot of guy friends who when we first met I was attracted to. I was asking my therapist a couple of weeks ago how in the hell that happened.  I wanted to know what I was doing… if I was putting out some sort of vibe and how to stop it.  She gave me no answer (and I expected as much).  Perhaps I was not vulnerable enough or too vulnerable.  She encouraged me to ask them (which is something I have thought about doing a time or two! Trust me I have thought about it) but then I said, “but then they would know I liked them.” 

We all have patterns of behavior that we do in every relationship.  I like to avoid.  When conflict arises I like to say it is my fault so that the conflict will go away (although i have been trying not to do that). I like to either avoid, run or grab on and hold with a death grip.  There is a guy I like at church (no I will not reveal his name).  He is kind and sweet and younger than me (yes I know age is only a number).  And every time I am around him I feel safe.  Even when I thought he had done me wrong somehow I felt at ease with him.  I like when he acknowledges my presence and when we talk in a group I like that he is always looking at me.  It reminds me of the beginnings of relationships in the period pieces I like to watch like “North & South.” 

I have no idea if he likes me or not and I am working hard to sit with that.  There is a deep part of me that is dying to tell him that I like him but there is this other stronger part that says no.  It says “YOU DESERVE TO BE PURSUED!” I do like him a lot and even though I feel it going to the friends zone I still say to myself “let him come to you.”  If he wants to make this sideways glances and smiles and laughter more then he will have to do so because I want to be pursued.  If nothing happens then nothing happens. I will try to be happy with the sideways glances and smiles and laughter.

Change is hard but I do believe it is possible. I feel I have rambled on about nothing (every time I think of “rambled” I think of Friends and the episode where Rachel writes Ross a letter…I have added it here for fun :))

Anyway I am done for now…I don’t know why but I always feel like I have to end the post with some sort of conclusion…it must be the English teacher in me 🙂

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